English: Katherine Gell to Richard Baxter letter 29/4/1657 I received yours dated November 26 on January 24 which was very wellcome I being out of hope of an answer to this question which I have put to so many but could never get an answer till now. I shall next see what I can say to the particulars of your letter & first you have very fully satisfied me as to affections & I am very much convinced that the body is a great helpe or hinderance I have since your last observed some that are very full of affection & have bin ready to take discouragment to my selfe that some new come in have more zeale then I & seeme to have more love to god but I then remember your letter which put me in minde that it was soe with me at first conversion & I see though some are soe high in their affections these are not lasting but somtimes are downe agin which makes me be better content with a constant solid temper that may keepe me in away of obedience waiting for extasies till I come to the full inioyment of Christ whose sight will be ravishing to all Eternity. as to your question I shall give the reall sense of my ♡ as far as I know anything of it & I thinke I may say with confidence that I could part with all estate & be content to live with bread & water if it should come in competition with Christ I have oft put this case to my selfe, & when I have bin in places amongst friends where there hath not bin such order in their families nor the injoyments of which in ordinary I have much rejoyced in my portion & thought I have seene them have what their ♡ could wish in outwards yet I have though I would not live amongst them or in their fine habitations noe not for 100ff a day be tied to continue amongst them in the want of those better things I have bin put to my choise & yet have willingly chosen rather to live here farre from friends & in noe pleasant country because the plentifull injoyment of ordinances makes up all these wants & our good ministry makes me value it more then all the intrest I have here. & for returning to my former estate sure I would not doe it for the whole world noe though I cannot serve god soe well as I would yet I will doe it as well as I can I will not willingly committ any sin or chuse any sinfull way that I know to be soe & doubtles I would be rid of the remnants of sin else they would not be so burthensome to me. where gifts are joyned with grace they make a Christian much more serviceable but I had rather chuse the least sparke of grace then the greatest gifts god ever bestowed with the absence of grace. I conclude my selfe to be guilty of the fault that I looke too much at what I want & to little at what I receive but I take your chiding soe well that I will endeavour to mend I can be very well content with any chiding to chide me out of any thing thats sinfull. I would not gratify the diuell in any thing that would argue me out of many things for I would be sure to avoid anything that pleaseth him for what ever pleaseth him displeaseth god & wrongs my self. for my melancholy temper its more constant then ever as you say that long trouble brings \it/ soe it is by me for I thinke its not my naturall temper, which was from a child serious & akind of even quiet contented frame never much lifted up with any outward thing, in the midst of all my troubles I was never subject to discontent nor am not but all turnes to greefe & those that knew me in my greatest troubles will justify me for that that I never spake a rejoining word aginst god but still acknowledged all to be just & doe still if he should never give me a good looke agayne I would very feigne be rid of my melancholy its a great burthen to me & noe delight I see its noe helpe in religion or any holy duty but a great hinderance & makes those persons fit subject for Satan to tempt & these things will make me hate if I thinke indeed this is a great cause of my want of sensibillity be cause I find it makes me as unfit for any thing of the world that I delight not in any thing not in the company of friends or in any comforts. as for my calling I find busines enough there have a great family many children & these things must be looked after & out of pure conscience I doe very much stir about in this imployment though it would suit better with my nature to set & read all day yet since god hath called me to such affaires as my duty to follow them & in that respect I strive not to neglect my calling though many atime I goe about my house & amongst my servants when I had rather locke my selfe up in a roome alone amongst my bookes. for meditation I never knew it my duty tell I read your Rest: & then setting on it found it very hard wanting inlargments & still in it thinking it nothing if not done in some measare according to your rule which made me leave it of after I was not quiet & resolved to take it up agayne yet still neglected & was as much troubled about this as about admonition mr Charles I told & he pressed me much to it I bid him aske you about it when he was last with you it seemes he forgot, I would as willingly be excused from this duty as any but yet would alsoe performe it too as well as I could if it be my duty for I am for leaving all sin & performing all duty I have of late taken it up agayne but find noe great benefit by it any duty comes of heavily if there be noe inlargments in it. one reason which ...