Talk:1757 Hajj caravan raid/GA1
Latest comment: 5 years ago by Gog the Mild in topic GA Review
GA Review
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Reviewer: Gog the Mild (talk · contribs) 23:50, 14 November 2018 (UTC)
Hi Al Ameer son. I will start into this one. Some first thoughts.
- It could do with an image. A map of the route of the hajj?
- Either every book should have a publisher location or none should. The easiest thing would be to delete "London" from Burns.
- Infobox. The attackers side of "Belligerents" won't mean much to most readers. Maybe head with 'Bedouin tribes:' with the tribes then either indented or bullet pointed?
- "Strength" and "Casualties". I think that you need 'Unknown' rather than "N/A".
- It is normal in the lead of a military conflict article to mention the commanders of both sides. Would it be possible to squeeze in the amir al hajj and the advance guard commander?
- I have copy edited a little. Could you check it please?
More to follow. Gog the Mild (talk) 22:03, 20 November 2018 (UTC)
- @Gog the Mild: Sorry for the slow progress. I’ve taken care of the above, with the exception of the map. Couldn’t find one on commons. I might have to make a rudimentary one. I also made some changes to the article other than the ones you’ve proposed. —Al Ameer (talk) 02:54, 22 November 2018 (UTC)
Don't worry about any "slowness". It took me a week to get round to this, and Wikipedia isn't going anywhere.
- Infobox. Joudah states that the attack occurred on 20 Dhu'l-Hijjah, ie September. Are there other sources which give or imply different dates? In addition, could you either cover this in the text (preferable) with appropriate sourcing, or source the date(s) in the infobox.
- "the 1757 raid represented the peak of such attacks". Just checking that you mean "peak" - you may well do - and not 'the 1757 raid represented the worst such attack'.
- "The sarr money came from revenues collected by the amir al-hajj". Do we know who this revenue was collected from? If we do, could we state it?
- "Many times, despite payment of the sarr, the Bedouin tribes would loot the caravan regardless, though to a much lesser extent. The tribes also received additional income from selling transport camels to pilgrims." Suggestion only" consider deleting "much" and "additional".
- "were the Bani Sakhr and the smaller tribes of Bani Aqil, Bani Kulayb and Sardiyah"> "bani Sakhr" has "the" in front; the other tribes don't. Is there a reason for this?
- "This deprived these tribes of a major income source". Replace "these" with 'the former'.
- "The financial hardship of the Bani Sakhr and the lesser tribes were exacerbated" were -> was.
- "After having completed his dawrah (tax collection tour) in April 1757, amir al-hajj and wali (provincial governor) of Damascus" wali has already been parenthetically described, no need to do it again.
- "As the caravan set off for its return to Syria" You give an approximate date in the infobox. It would be appropriate to also do so at this point.
- "As the caravan set off for its return to Syria, the caravan's smaller advance guard under commander Musa Pasha was assaulted by Bani Sakhr tribesmen commanded by Qa'dan al-Fa'iz at al-Qatranah, in central modern-day Jordan." This reads as if at the time the caravan was leaving Mecca the advance guard was in central Jordan, 1400 km away. This seems improbable. If it is the case, a word of explanation would be helpful. Or perhaps the problem is in calling Musa Pasha's force the "advance guard".
- No mention is made of any guards protecting the main caravan. I assume that there were none, as "At the immediate outset of the raid, numerous pilgrims were killed" without any necessity of fighting, however briefly, past any guards. If so I think that should be at least stated, if not explained.
- "Although Bedouin raids on the Hajj caravan were fairly common, the 1757 raid represented the peak of such attacks." See first bullet point above.
- Sources
- Cohen needs an OCLC (638307619).
- Map
- It definitely needs a map. Consider making your own, similar (in design) to that in Battle of Auberoche. (I did it, the first I have ever tried, and it took me perhaps 20 minutes.)
- Hi Al Ameer. There is no rush from my point of view, but I wanted to check that you got the notification of my comments. I look forward to your responses whenever you have the time. Gog the Mild (talk) 16:45, 3 December 2018 (UTC)
- Hi Gog the Mild. You’ve been exceptionally patient here. I’m going to try to make a map tomorrow and take care of the other outstanding issues. —Al Ameer (talk) 02:55, 4 December 2018 (UTC)
- @Al Ameer son: Just to stress that there is no rush. Wikipedia isn't going anywhere. If you have the time and inclination to do some work on this nomination - great. If not, I will give you another nudge after Christmas. Gog the Mild (talk) 17:41, 4 December 2018 (UTC)
- @Gog the Mild: Thank you for giving all of this time. I'd like to have this finished before Christmas, but the map has been a nagging issue for me. I realize how important it is and in fact I wanted one to be created at some point for draft articles I'm writing on the Hajj caravan route and the Syrian Hajj caravan route. Would you be able to guide me on how to create a map using the program you've recommended? Other than that, I'll take care of the other outstanding issues once I find the Joudah book. --Al Ameer (talk) 20:19, 10 December 2018 (UTC)
- @Al Ameer son: Just to stress that there is no rush. Wikipedia isn't going anywhere. If you have the time and inclination to do some work on this nomination - great. If not, I will give you another nudge after Christmas. Gog the Mild (talk) 17:41, 4 December 2018 (UTC)
I am assuming that this is the best map, if not there is a long list here. Look at what I have done for Damascus in edit mode and I think that you will get the idea. Instructions are here. If you look at the Blanchetaque map, especially in edit mode, you will get an idea of what can be done. Note that this map uses the decimal long and lat-itudes, not the arc minutes and seconds given in most Wikipedia articles; either go into edit mode, where they are usually decimal, or just use a calculator. Any problems, give me a ping. Gog the Mild (talk) 21:07, 10 December 2018 (UTC)
Damascus, disappearing off the top of the map!
The location of some places mentioned in the text, shown within modern Hauts-de-France
Hi Al Ameer son. Are you likely to be coming back to this in the near future? Say by the end of the month. If not, it may be best to "fail" it and park it. I would be entirely happy to pick up a re-nomination at some point in the future when you have more time. Gog the Mild (talk) 12:32, 13 January 2019 (UTC)
- @Gog the Mild: I think that may be best. Unfortunately, I’ve neglected this nomination for the time being. Thank you, yet again, for your patience. I hope I have not dissuaded you from future reviews of my nominations. Regards, —Al Ameer (talk) 14:56, 13 January 2019 (UTC)
- @Al Ameer son: Fine. I'll do the necessary. I hope that you come back to it at some stage. There isn't all that much that needs doing to get it to GA.
- And certainly not. If you do do the needed work on this one I will definitely re-review it. If you have any other GANs feel free to ping me, I don't guarantee to pick them up, but I probably would. Gog the Mild (talk) 15:56, 13 January 2019 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
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