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Untitled
editlead is very good
Break up History into subsections. Quote from LA Times is too long. Paraphrase and cite source. Also cite source of family history information.
source all quotes
same comment as above, for second quote from LA Times.
paragraph 2 of history needs topic sentence. second part of paragraph belongs elsewhere.
paragraph 3 goes from obituary to discussion of company's political involvement, two different topics. Obituary information not sourced. Make sure all language is not too close to language of source.
products and organic division need to be purged of all promotional sounding language. the link on note 7 is broken. check all language for closeness to source. Dont paraphrase word by word or sentence by sentence. Read and aborb the information in the original and then present it in your own order and words.
Carrot nutrition and benefits doesnt belong here at all.
Generally you're on the right track, but only one source in addition to company promotional material is not sufficient.
Rudolph2007 (talk) 02:48, 14 May 2009 (UTC)
May 16
"After the concept of baby carrots was successfully test-marketed by another company in Los Angeles, 'it quickly turned into a race to see which processors could put in equipment fast enough to serve the emerging market,' Robert Grimm later recalled. He considered the name 'a happy accident' for the baby carrots, while it did nothing to dissuade shoppers from thinking they were buying an immature root vegetable."[1
dont use a quote inside a quote. the reference here doesnt lead to the source of this quote.
past away--passed
"A decade later, [Grimmway Farms] began buying other companies, including two top carrot-packing firms, to become the industry leader. By 2000, they had reportedly grown into a $350-million operation with five plants in the United States and Scotland and products shipped to more than 20 countries."[2] turn into paraphrase--only quote passage where specific wording is relevant.
You havent dealt with the problems noted earlier in the history section.
"Other acres outside of the San Joaquin Valley include..." awkward phrasing
"However, when yielding produce some non-kosher elements can be harvested with the produce. Kosher consumers are careful to eliminate any of these unwelcome elements [8]." This wording doesnt make sense, and the reference doesnt take me to the relevant page
General comment: many of the concerns in earlier version have not been adequately addressed. Check with me in office hours if comments arent clear to you or for suggestions for solutions. These are still serious problems.
C- —Preceding unsigned comment added by Rudolph2007 (talk • contribs) 18:41, 16 May 2009 (UTC)