Tzar Gidul Banim

Tzar Gidul Banim (Hebrew: צער גידול בנים), translated as "the pain of raising children," is a concept in Jewish thought that encapsulates the challenges inherent in parenting. The term emphasizes the effort required to raise children and frames it as a significant source of merit, grounded in the belief that the pain endured is directly proportional to the reward received.

Jewish parents blessing their children (1740)

Etymology

The phrase Tzar Gidul Banim is composed of two Hebrew words: tzar (Hebrew: צער), meaning "pain" or "suffering," and gidul banim (Hebrew: גידול בנים), meaning "raising children." Together, the phrase refers to the various trials parents experience throughout the process of raising their children, from infancy to adulthood.

In Judaism

The phrase Tzar Gidul Banim appears in multiple sources across Jewish texts. The earliest mention is found in the Talmud, Eruvin 100b, and it is cited by Rashi in his commentary on Genesis 3:16, where G-d tells Eve that she will bear children with pain (b'etzev taldi banim). According to Rashi, this refers to the tzar gidul banim—the ongoing struggles of raising children. The Chizkuni also writes that these difficulties last a lifetime, stating that a mother will live with toil and hardship all her days in the act of raising her children. Jewish tradition equates the difficulties of raising children to physical afflictions, even poverty, as mentioned in the prayer Tefilah Zaka: "Behold, You have already stricken us with foreign rule, with physical afflictions, or poverty, and the pain of raising children" (tzar gidul banim). The Tosefes Bracha elaborates that tzar gidul banim involves great effort (strain), and yet, according to Rabbi Yehuda in Shabbat 90b, even in the Talmudic era, children’s demands created significant challenges.

Despite the pain, Jewish sages emphasize the profound reward associated with this struggle. The Mishna in Avot 5:23 teaches, "According to the pain is the reward" (l’fum tzara agra), reflecting the idea that the greater the difficulty, the greater the merit. Avot D'Rabbi Natan supports this view, stating that it is better to achieve one thing through pain than a thousand things with ease. Eliyahu Dessler, in Michtav Mei'Eliyahu (III, 14), elaborates further: the reward for a mitzvah performed with difficulty can be exponentially greater than the same mitzvah done with ease. Parents may derive immense nachas (joy) from their children’s successes, which may be seen as the ultimate reward for enduring the hardships of parenting

In modern discourse, Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman suggests that some parents experience overwhelming stress in raising their children, a stress that can lead to psychological and even physical ailments. He advises that seeking help, whether through therapy or guidance from a rav (rabbi), can prevent these difficulties from escalating. Rabbi Chaim Morgenstern also addresses the widespread nature of parenting challenges, noting that even expert educators (mechanchim) often face difficulties with their own children. He advises against harsh discipline and suggests instead focusing on love and understanding as the key to overcoming challenges with difficult children. Amy Hirshberg Lederman explains that both parents and children must endure pain to become fully functioning human beings. She emphasizes that attempts to remove all discomfort from children’s lives will ultimately weaken them, as they need to face stress and failure to develop resilience.

See also

• Jewish ethics
• Tzedakah
• Mitzvot