Draft:Beat Cops (TV pilot)

Beat Cops is a half-hour comedy TV pilot produced by Conan O'Brien for FOX. It was originally created in 1999, officially released three years later in 2002 and also aired on the TR!O network as part of Brilliant But Cancelled on September 1st, 2003.

Created by Sam Seder and co-written with Charles Fisher, the show was directed by Dennie Gordon and starred Seder and H. Jon Benjamin as two NYPD desk cops assigned to walk a special Christmas beat. It was filmed on the streets of New York City and featured a cinéma-vérité production approach. The comedic duo is characterized by their cluelessness and obliviousness to the city's dynamics and its volatile citizens. This is highlighted by a series of random interactions on the street over the course of one shift.

Premise

The show follows the misadventures of Stan (Sam Seder) and Hank (H. Jon Benjamin), NYPD desk cops who are assigned to patrol the city during the holiday season.

Plot

"Every year, over 2000 men and women graduate from the New York Police Academy. 1500 of those 2000 cadets will spend at least one year patrolling the city on foot. Of the remaining 500, 450 will be assigned to specialized patrol units throughout the city. And the remaining 50 will receive early pensions as a result of injuries sustained at the academy. But in 1991, to the disgust of their classmates, two cadets eagerly requested and happily received permanent desk duty. Until they were assigned to a one-day Christmas holiday foot patrol... and that day is today."

Stan and Hank bumble out of their precinct building onto the streets on NYC, confused as to which direction they should head. They walk around and get into a conversation about whether or not it's cold out. Stan's mentions that he has sore feet from having to stand on the subway. Hank doesn't want to hear any complaints as he'd like to just enjoy their day outside. Stan remarks that the outside light makes everything appear "super real" and "hyperreal" while Hank maintains that it's just normal, outdoor sunlight. Stan says "this is going to be the longest day."

Hank sees a delivery woman that he's instantly attracted to and ponificates that all package delivery people are really good-looking and perhaps they're a in some sort of master-race cult. Stan sees through these meandering ideas and realizes Hank must have a crush on her, but cannot express his attraction for her because of being repressed. He recommends that Hank get in touch with his feelings lest he become a victim of "Lancelot's Regret". Hank can't admit to liking the delivery woman.

Hank tells Stan that he needs to look like he belongs on the street; he explains that a man's power center is his mouth (not his gun) and that he chews gum to help focus the power. He also has a moustache to help frame his mouth, as it's like "an eyebrow for the mouth." He accuses Stan of looking too boyish and meak.

They do some window shoppping and then Stan suggests that they fish for code violations inside the furniture store. Hank has to relieve himself but reveals that he can't go into a bathroom he's never been in before. Hank wonders how he's ever gone to the bathroom ever then. Hank says he's had the problem since he was 15 and needs a good six months to observe any facilities before using them.

The heroes become unsure what street they're on and decide to ask a doorman which way Sixth Avenue is. The doorman can't believe this and tears him into them for being so ignorant. He asks if they've ever heard of the Empire State Building as his anger intensifies. He throws his jacket to the ground, ready to fight as the cops walk away.

The conversation turns back to Hank's interest in the delivery woman and how he needs to "unsheath the sword" and just go up and approach her. Hank wonders why Stan keeps using Old English expressions and is reluctant to take his advice.

Stan accuses Hank of being too bossy as a post office employee attempts to have an "official" conversation with them. He inquires about the NYPD website and asks if they'll be seeing a lot of each other from now on. The heroes try to leave the conversation as the mailman mentions that he took a civil service test and that he has a Bearcat scanner. He won't let the encounter end and outlines his credentials related to CPR. He continues following them, remarking on how the other cops usually have their clubs on the other side.

Stan complains about only getting three hours of sleep the night before and Hank says they'd be taking naps by now if they were cops in Europe. They bump into a frightened maintenance worker who's convinced that they want to take him and his children away. Stan and Hank reassure him that they have no interest in him, which triggers the man to loudly offer a bribe, which they refuse. Stan also gets rebuffed once again in his efforts to use a bathroom.

Stan can't find anywhere that will work as a bathroom and Hank says maybe Stan can just hold it until the shift ends. Hank remarks upon how there's no people around and no Christmas decorations. Stan says that's the point, they've been put out in the boonies. It's desolate and they're seemingly accosted by a couple of hooligans but it turns out to be a male and female bike cop that are just busting their balls, specifically Stan for his Knights of the Roundtable talk. Stan pulls his club out and says to back off and they leave.

Hank sarcastically thanks Stan for all his "medieval crap" and reveals that people hate him. Stan reveals that the reason they're out on street patrol is because Hank's flappity-flappity mouth pissed off the lieutenant. They both continue blaming each other for their situation and almost part ways in frustration before Hank thinks better of being alone on the streets.

The postman shows up again with three suspicious reasons why he thinks something big is going on with them. He then assumes he just broke the cardinal rule of a stakeout and so the heroes use his guilt to assign him to a new post and ditch him.

Hank says Stan should just go to the bathroom at home and Stan responds that his options are limited. He reveals that his solution in the past was to replace the toilet seat with a new one. This leads to them coming up with a scheme to inspect a restaurant's toilet and put the on the toilet seat that they're carrying around. They get scared thinking that the bike cops are back though and throw the toilet seat into the garbage.

Hank once again sees the delivery woman and remarks upon the coincidental nature of it. He decides to follow her but then chickens out when it's time to talk to her. Stan equates it to how the Knights of the Roundtable had wives and children at this point in their lives which inspires Hank to leave and talk to the woman, due to being annoyed.

Hank takes his hat off and fixes his hair before asking her how she's doing. He tells her this is his beat and asks about package delivery. She quickly expresses interest in having a sexual encounter with him but he gets so nervous that he doesn't know what to do. Instead of hooking up with her, he impulsively decides to cite her for obstruction of the sidewalk. She gets very upset for leading her on and calls him a loser. He says to forget the ticket and leaves.

Stan asks what happened and Hank explains that he panicked, but isn't a loser. Stan says it's really sad and just walks away. Hank sees something in the newspaper that causes him to run after Stan, yelling his name. Stan is staring at the La Petite Auberge restaurant across the street and recounts a story of being taken there by his parents when he was 13, where he had a great meal and then... used their bathroom! He walks swiftly towards the entrance, intent on using their bathroom once again. Hank yells out about the headline he's reading on the front page of the newspaper "MAYOR VOWS: X-MAS COPS TO STAY ON STREET"

The busybody postman interacts with random people on the street as a quick epilogue.

Production

The pilot was filmed in 1999 but faced delays in airing due to network scheduling and other unspecified production-related issues. It was executive produced by Conan O'Brien, Jeff Ross, and Sam Seder. O'Brien's company Conanco was largely responsible for getting the pilot re-shot and aired on FOX. The deal with FOX happened after NBC passed on the project.

This unique production features handheld video footage and the subsequent editing style is discontinuous and intentionally repetitive at times, which highlights Stan's reference to hyperreality. This post-production technique also provides an opportunity to show different takes from the comedic actors.

In an interview with Marc Maron on the WTF Podcast, Sam Seder explained that John Cassavetes was part of the inspiration for his TV projects and that Beat Cops had to be produced twice: "...you know, Cassavetes became sort of a model for me in that he would make his money in Hollywood. Like, he did a TV show. I don't know if you ever saw that...he did a TV show that was like a jazz PI...it was clearly something that he may have enjoyed...but he was making his money and then spending his money on his movies and I'm like 'Oh, this is a model for me!'...and then the next thing I did was Beat Cops...based upon Who's the Caboose...we did Beat Cops twice right and the first time it was for Studios USA and then Conan's company basically bought it and we did it again for FOX." Seder also expresses an interest in the aesthetics of Dogme 95, which helps to explain the low-budget style of Beat Cops.

H. Jon Benjamin shared some thoughts on the Beat Cops pilot during an interview with Andy Richter on his podcast, The Three Questions: "...he (Seder) was kind of ahead of his time really, he was starting to make his own projects when it was cheap to shoot video and I think he would self-fund...Sam made it much like an indie film, like he made own pilot. I remember it being funny but I don't remember the second one so much..the premise was there were two cops who were desk jockey cops, like never never went out and then the mayor of New York wanted to put more cops on the street, you know a tough on crime mayor and they sent these two guys there. And so we were just fumbling idiots walking around."

The show appears to utilize real encounters with actual NYC citizens occasionally, which adds an extra level of authenticity to the story. This unique phenomeonon of employing unwitting actors in a narrative, fictional structure can also be found more recently in Bad Trip, Bad Grandpa and even the horror film Under the Skin.

Cast

• Sam Seder as Stan
• H. Jon Benjamin as Hank
• Aasif Mandvi in multiple roles
• Judy Gold as OPS delivery woman
• Nick Di Paolo as Bike Cop #1
• Egypt as Bike Cop #2
• David Earl Waterman as Postman

Critical Reception

Virtually no reviews from the time of the pilot's original airdate exist online.

The pilot was included on the TR!O network's show Brilliant But Cancelled which featured repeats of groundbreaking TV content that they thought deserved more attention. This helped to bring new interest to the project a year after its FOX release.

Entertainment Weekly described the pilot as "howlingly funny" in a tribute article to TR!O.

A review written by Alex Finch in 2019 (from Comedy To Watch) compares the Stan character to Woody Allen and George from Seinfeld but ultimately suggests it was a mis-step in H. Jon Benajmin's career and that the "mixture of dull realism and occasionally over the top characters" simply wasn't that funny.

In 2016, The Couch Pilots Podcast duo reported that they saw room in this series for fun and bizarre things to develop on the streets of NYC but felt that there was little point to the pilot and not many well-written jokes. They thought the series lacked a cohesive story and would've possibly been helped by starting with the protagonists at their desk jobs. They do ultimately give credit to Seder for trying something new and assumed that budgetary restrictions contributed to its failure to be picked up as an ongoing series.

Music

The main theme song for the show is These Boots Are Made for Walkin' by Nancy Sinatra. This fitting tune plays several times throughout the episode, as well as brief instrumental excerpts from Devil's Haircut by Beck, which accompany the quick interstitial montages of NYC between scenes. Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple plays as comedic counterpoint to Hank's approach to the delivery woman.