Draft:The Way I Used to Be

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The Way I Used to Be

The Way I Used to Be is a young adult fiction novel by Amber Smith, published by Rock the Boat on March 22nd, 2016. The novel is the first in a series of two novels: The Way I Used to Be (2016); and The Way I am Now (2023).

The Way I Used to Be was Amber Smith's first published novel. This book brings up themes like bullying, relationships, rebellion and acceptance. The novel is divided into four parts, with each part corresponding to a single year of High School.

Plot

14-year old Eden McCrorey is a freshman in high school who has always been good at being good. But one night when her older brother’s best friend rapes her, her whole world changes. What she once knew, she isn’t sure about anymore. Eden has never been close with her family, except when Caelin, Eden’s brother, was home visiting from college. He was the glue to the family. Without him around, the rest of the family acted like strangers.

Eden’s brother Caelin always brought Kevin, his best friend, home with him when visiting the family. Because, as Eden’s mother always said, Kevin was like family and was always welcome. Eden had always considered him family, he was almost like a brother to her. But one night Eden wakes up with Kevin on top of her, telling her to be quiet. She’s convinced it was just a nightmare, a horrible nightmare. But when she stands up and sees the bruises on her body and feels her sore throat, she realizes what just happened.

Eden tries to tell her mother the next morning, but when she sees the blood, she assumes Eden just got her period before Eden has the chance to tell her what really happened. Having a hard time getting the words out, Eden fails to tell anyone, and instead keeps it a secret. It makes it even harder to tell anyone with Kevin telling her no one will believe her.

Eden has a best friend named Mara, who she’s known since they were kids. Eden and Mara go to school together and have always been bullied by the other kids in school, so Eden and Mara create a Lunch-Break Book Club with their friends Cameron and Stephen to avoid the bullies during lunch break. But avoiding the bullies doesn't change the fact that Eden’s personality has changed. She now smokes, she argues with her parents and with Mara, and she quits the school band. She’s no longer the “band-geek” she once was. Eden systematically distances herself emotionally from her brother, her parents, her best friend Mara and the Lunch-Break Book Club members. Mara, alongside Eden's parents, notices the change in her, but her parents don’t do anything about it, and Mara just tags along with Eden’s new habits.

In sophmore year, the second part of the novel, Eden is approached by popular guy Josh Miller. Not knowing her age, he asks her on a date, which she eventually agrees to. After spending some time together, Eden and Josh become close and spend a lot of their free time together, but Eden has a hard time being vulnerable and expressing her feelings toward him. Josh doesn’t get why Eden acts the way she does, or why she suddenly leaves as soon as they start to get intimate. On Eden’s birthday, Mara writes “Happy 15th birthday” on Eden's locker, which reveals her real age to Josh. Josh asks her, angry and hurt, if she would even care if he were accused of statuary rape. Eden, not wanting to show how that triggered her, tells him that she doesn’t care about him, even though she does, and they break up.

In Junior Year, the third part of the novel, Eden and Mara experiment with drugs and alcohol, resulting in them celebrating Eden’s 16th birthday in a playground with two strange guys they just met, named Troy and Alex, who invite them to parties. Realizing it takes away her troubles, Eden starts sleeping around with guys she’s just met. Eden’s relationship with her parents become worse when she starts coming home late, not telling them where she’s going or what she’s up to. Caelin, Eden’s brother, notices her changed behavior and comments on it, not understanding the change in her. But Caelin’s still being friends with Kevin and bringing him home with him only makes Eden angry at him, and they end up in a situation where they can’t understand each other.

In Senior Year, the fourth part of the novel, Eden’s motivation for life isn’t high. Eden’s set on not going to college, but her current life isn’t a healthy one. She continues to sleep around, while still using drugs and drinking alcohol to escape her troubles. But when she hears that Kevin has been accused of raping a girl in his dorm, she realizes she’s gonna have to confess when a police investigation starts. But Eden feels she needs to tell someone before going to the police, so she calls Josh, who is away at college. Josh is devastated when he hears what happened to her, and feels bad for not understanding why she acted the way she did sometimes. When Eden has gathered the courage to tell Josh, and he is supportive of her, she is ready to tell the police. The novel ends with Eden reporting her own rape to the police.

Major themes in the book

Bullying: A prominent theme in the book is bullying and feeling like an outsider. Eden and her best friend Mara create a Lunch-Break Book Club with their other friends to escape the bullies during lunch, but that doesn’t change the way people treat her. After Eden is raped she starts sleeping around, distracting herself from her own thoughts, but in doing so, a rumor about her starts, saying she’s a slut and whore, and what makes the whole thing worse is that it is Kevin’s younger sister that starts the rumor. Eden being bullied doesn’t help the fact that she’s trying to move on and trying to distract herself. Being bullied only makes Eden feel more isolated, and she finds it hard to find anyone supportive who she can lean on.

Relationships: Edens’s relationship with her family isn’t the best. After the rape, Eden no longer feel safe in her home, and she distances herself from her family, especially her brother since he is in college and isn’t around much anymore. Eden's relationship with her best friend Mara is strained when Eden’s behavior changes, and Mara isn’t sure how much she can trust Eden anymore. Eden's relationship with Josh gets off to a great start. He’s someone she feels she can trust, and she knows he wouldn’t hurt her, but she still can’t be vulnerable with him and doesn’t tell him why, which leads to conflicts and confusion. When Josh discovers Eden’s real age, and she tells him she doesn’t care about him, they break up.

Rebellion: Eden’s behavior changes as she tries to deal with her trauma and the expectations people have for her. After the rape, Eden is angry at everyone and no one understands why. Eden starts sleeping around at parties where she doesn’t know anyone. While trying to escape her own thoughts, and find her identity again, she starts drinking and doing drugs in her free time. Eden wants to take control over her life again, but her new habits affect her relationships. After the rape, Eden made a promise to herself that she would never let anyone take advantage of her the way Kevin did. Through her rebellious phase, Eden is trying to heal what has been broken, and she seeks the feeling of being in control.

Acceptance: Eden struggles to come to terms with the trauma she experienced. But through the book Eden learns to accept the fact that she’s never going to be the girl she used to be. She learns to accept herself and her feelings, the anger and shame she’s felt. At the end of the book Eden confronts her past and realizes that she doesn’t have to feel ashamed over what happened to her, and that it’s time to get help and tell the people around her and accept their help. She even tells the police so the thing that happened to her doesn’t happen again. She learns to accept the fact that she went through something extremely traumatic, but that she is as equally worthy of love and happiness as anyone else.

Genre and Style

Romance, Young Adult, Fiction, Contemporary, Mental health, Audiobook, Realistic Fiction.

Development history

In an interview , Amber Smith describes her motivation to write the book by saying that she wants to raise awareness surrounding themes like assault, and she writes her books to help foster change and start discussions surrounding these issues she writes about. She says that she has more compassion for her inner teenager as the years go by, and that’s why she felt drawn to write this book. In the interview, she says, “For me, the true core of the story is the emotional journey, and for that I really just looked inward, reflecting my own experiences, as well as those of others I’ve known who have been affected by trauma. I think the best way for me to stay true to my characters is by making sure I’m staying honest with myself, first and foremost.” Amber Smith mentions that she felt it was important to write this story because sexual violence is a lived reality for so many people, but there is so much silence surrounding these issues. She saw a chance to explore what that silence meant and felt like, and what it might take to break that silence. In the interview she also says that after reading the book, she wants people to feel empathy and maybe a little anger. She wants people to walk away with new thoughts about what it means to be a survivor and the importance of having compassion for others and for yourself. She also hopes the book says something about self worth, and the importance of standing up for yourself.

The Way I Used to Be was Amber Smith's first published novel. The novel is the first in a series of two novels: The Way I Used to Be (2016); and The Way I am Now (2023).

Literary significance and reception

The author Heidi Dischler recommends this novel on her blog , saying it’s “One of the most powerful, emotional, and heartbreaking books I’ve ever read, The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith will move you in a way that you didn’t think possible”.

Meaning behind the cover

There’s a dandelion reference in the book that marks an important turning event for Eden, when she decides who she will become. Amber Smith says in an interview , that like the dandelion on the cover, Edens world “explodes” after the rape, and she has to figure out how to keep going and how to put the pieces back together. She says she sees her evolution as being parallel to the life cycle of the dandelion, as it goes through its stages of growth and transition. The front cover shows those two vibrant, yellow dandelions in their prime, while the back cover shows the bare stem of the dandelion. Amber Smith says “So, to me, the two dandelions on the front represent the person she used to be, and the person she becomes by the end of the book, the past and the present intertwined, strengthening one another, ready to start anew, to explode, not in destruction this time, but into full bloom. The cover is a great reminder of the amazing resilience of the dandelion—it might get cut down but it’s just going to come back up again—it’s strong, tough, and in my opinion, beautiful, just like Eden.”

Awards and nominations

The Way I Used to Be (2016), was an Eliot Rosewater Award Honor Book that was selected for the American Library Association’s Amelia Bloomer List and Texas Library Association’s TAYSHAS List. It was named a Bank Street Best Book of the year and a Cosmopolitan Best YA Book of all-time. The book was also nominated for a Goodreads Choice Award in YA Fiction, and Conneticut’s Nutmeg Book Award as well. Amber Smith is the New York Times bestselling author of several novels in the genre Young Adults, including the best selling novels The Way I Used to Be (2016) and The Way I am Now (2023).

External links:

https://ambersmithauthor.com/about/

https://www.readmoreco.com/blogs/authors-interviews/q-a-with-amber-smith

https://www.heididischler.com/book-review-the-way-i-used-to-be-by-amber-smith/