This is a list of all episodes of The Phil Silvers Show.
Series overview
editEpisodes
editPilot
edit| Title | Directed by | Written by | Original air date |
|---|---|---|---|
| "Audition Show" | Jerome Shaw | Nat Hiken | Unaired |
Season 1 (1955–56)
edit| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original air date | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1 | "New Recruits" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken | September 20, 1955 | |
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It is morning roll call at Fort Baxter in Roseville, Kansas. Sgt. Ernest G. Bilko (Phil Silvers) is in the middle of a poker game. The game breaks up when Bilko runs out of money and he can't get any from the guys in his platoon. Bilko finds out that the others were using a mirror to cheat during the game. The Chaplain suggests to Col. John T. Hall (Paul Ford) that he give Bilko an additional assignment. Bilko runs the motor pool so well that he has extra time to play poker. The Chaplain says Bilko should train the new recruits. The new recruits arrive and Bilko hopes to get money from them so he can play in the next big poker game. Bilko learns that the men gave all their money to Pvt. Higgins to hold. Higgins tells Bilko that holding the money is too much responsibility for him. He would like Bilko to hold the money. Higgins says that the Chaplain said he could trust Bilko. Bilko tells Cpl. Steve Henshaw (Allan Melvin) and Cpl. Rocco Barbella (Harvey Lembeck) that he won't use the money to gamble with. Bilko is tempted so he gives the money back to Higgins. | ||||||
| 2 | 2 | "Empty Store" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken | September 27, 1955 | |
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The men are still talking about how Sgt. Stanley Sowici (Harry Clark), Sgt. Andy Pendleton (Ned Glass) and Sgt. Francis Grover took all of Bilko's money in the poker game. Hoping to get some money for another poker game, Bilko tries to sell tickets to a dance, but no one is interested. Bilko learns that Pvt. Higgins lost the money he was holding for the men in a poker game. Bilko comes up with a plan to get his and the men's money back from the three Sergeants. He rents an empty store in town and people start to wonder why. Figuring Bilko is on to something, Pendleton gives him some money to be a partner. Sowici and Grover soon do the same. Col. Hall gave Bilko the OK to rent the store and is now worried about what's going on. A lot of the soldiers have been hanging around the store trying to find out what will be going in it. The Sergeants learn it really just is an empty store. Bilko gives Pvt. Higgins his share of the money back. Bilko finds out that with his share of the money, Barbella and Henshaw rented 6 more empty stores. Herbie Faye as Cpl. Sam Fender. | ||||||
| 3 | 3 | "The WAC" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Arnold Auerbach | October 4, 1955 | |
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Bilko decides to volunteer for a special duty because it would provide him with his own personal jeep. Bilko makes sure the other sergeants aren't interested in volunteering and find out about the jeep. Bilko finds out that a Sgt. Hogan also volunteered, but he doesn't know who that is. He decides to throw a party for this Hogan and then hopefully talk him out of the special duty. Bilko even gets local girl Mildred (Jane Dulo) to be Hogan's date. Hogan turns out to be Sgt. Joan Hogan (Elisabeth Fraser), a WAC. Everyone at the party finds out about the jeep. Bilko tries several ways to get Hogan to withdraw her name. He tries to make Hogan feel sorry for him, but she turns the tables on him. | ||||||
| 4 | 4 | "The Horse" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | October 11, 1955 | |
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New recruit Pvt. Carter tells Bilko to bet some of the platoon's money on Bell Boy at the horse races. Bell Boy comes in last and Bilko doesn't know what he'll tell the men. Bilko learns the horse is for sale for $100 and Carter discovers that the horse has a leg problem he could fix. Carter says that when the leg is better, the horse will win plenty of races. Bilko buys the horse and they sneak it onto the base that night and put it in the gun shed. Meanwhile, Col. Hall is worried because General Strait (John Alexander) is coming for an inspection. In order to get food for the horse, Bilko has to get some of his men to volunteer to eat just oats for an Army experiment. After a while, Carter has Bell Boy's leg all better, but they need to run him. That night, Col. Hall is awakened by the sound of a horse running. Bilko has Pvt. Palmer (P. Jay Sidney) rig up some lights that the horse can wear at night. Carter tells Bilko that due to a bad tendon, Bell Boy will never be able to race. They hide the horse in the guest house just as General Strait arrives. Bilko can't stop Strait from going in the guest house. Strait is actually happy because the horse reminds him of his cavalry days. Jack Healy as Pvt. Mullen. | ||||||
| 5 | 5 | "AWOL" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | October 18, 1955 | |
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The men are complaining about having to get up so early. Bilko tells them that Pvt. Steve Nagy (Pat Hingle) went AWOL again. Every time there's a family problem, Nagy leaves. Col. Hall sends Bilko to Chicago to retrieve Nagy. If he brings Nagy back by the next day, Hall won't make Nagy serve time. Bilko arrives at the Hungarian home of the Nagys where they are celebrating the engagement of Steve's sister, Magda (Lilia Skala). Bilko wants to leave right away with Steve, but then he sees the beautiful Vilma Nagy. Bilko starts a fight between the two families when he beats the groom's father, Mr. Varga (Hans Schumm), at a card game. The wedding is called off. Despite some confusion, Bilko finds a way for the couple to be married. Col. Hall sends Sgt. Sowici to bring back Bilko. Sowici winds up staying for the celebration. | ||||||
| 6 | 6 | "The Boxer" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | October 25, 1955 | |
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The base will be having a boxing tournament this coming Saturday. Sowici tells the Lieutenant (Frank Marth) that Cpl. Basil Egan (Johnny Seven) was just transferred to his kitchen. Egan is apparently a good boxer. Bilko will be entering Pvt. Dino Papparelli (Billy Sands), who isn't very good. Bilko turns down a bet with Sowici. Bilko then learns that one of his men, Pvt. Claude Dillingham (Walter Cartier), was a Golden Gloves champ. He now makes a bet with Sowici. But then Claude tells Bilko that he promised his fiancé Felicia that he wouldn't box anymore. At a bar, Bilko tries to get Claude to fight a Navy man to defend Felicia's honor. Bilko learns that Claude's hobby is gardening and he gets triggered when someone insults Chrysanthemums. Bilko gets Egan to insult the flower in front of Claude and they're ready to fight. The Chaplain gets Claude and Egan to become friends and they decide not to fight each other. Terry Carter as Grover's Boxer. Dody Goodman as Waitress. | ||||||
| 7 | 7 | "The Hoodlum" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken | November 1, 1955 | |
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Bilko has the men breaking their backs cleaning the barracks. They discover that he's hoping to win Soldier of the Month and get a 3 day pass. Meanwhile, Col. Hall tells the Chaplain that he's going to dishonorably discharge Pvt. Chick Parker because he's nothing but a trouble maker. The Chaplain talks Hall into giving Parker one more chance and he is assigned to Bilko's platoon. For now, Bilko puts up with Parker's insubordination because he doesn't want to jeopardize winning the 3 day pass. Bilko comes up with a plan to straighten Parker out. They tell Parker that they are going to rob Fort Knox and he's going to help. Bilko gives him several things to do in preparation of the job. In the process, Parker is doing a lot of extra work that impresses Hall and the Chaplain. The men start to like Parker and he likes being accepted. Col. Hall comes by and gives the Soldier of the Month award to Parker. | ||||||
| 8 | 8 | "Mardi Gras" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | November 8, 1955 | |
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It will soon be the platoon's annual Motor Pool Mardi Gras. Pvt. Duane Doberman (Maurice Gosfield) is picked to be King. In Doberman's locker the men find a scrapbook with pictures of socialite Joy Landers (Constance Ford), who has just returned from Paris. Bilko decides that Joy will be Doberman's Queen. Cpl. Barbella and some of the men go to see Joy and tell her about being appointed Queen. She laughs at the men and then turns them down. Meanwhile, Bilko tries to teach "girl shy" Doberman how to talk to a woman. Bilko comes up with an elaborate plan to trick Joy into wanting to be Queen by thinking that Doberman is something special. Even after he's describe Doberman's looks, Joy begs Bilko to introduce her to him. Doberman tells Joy to get lost. Bilko tells her that Doberman doesn't enjoy people laughing at him and this was their revenge. Having learned her lesson, Joy agrees to help with the Mardi Gras and be Queen. Russell Hicks as Mr. Landers. | ||||||
| 9 | 9 | "The Eating Contest" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Arnold Auerbach | November 15, 1955 | |
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Bilko's Company B constantly loses money to rival Company A. Cpl. Ed Honnegan (Fred Gwynne) has been transferred to Bilko's platoon. Cpl. Barbella recognizes Honnegan as "The Stomach", an eating champion. Bilko bets Sgt. Allan (Murray Hamilton), from Company A, and arranges an eating contest. Allan's entry will be Sgt. Hog Henderson (Bern Hoffman), who has won many times before. Bilko discovers that Ed only eats a lot when he's miserable. The last time he was that miserable was when his girl back home left him. Bilko finds a way to make Ed miserable again. After a talk with the Chaplain, Ed feels better. Bilko manages to get Ed sad again. It is the night of the contest and Hog remembers Ed. Honnegan wins the contest. Suddenly, Ed's old girlfriend Hazel shows up and they're happy to see each other. The Chaplain makes Bilko give the gambling winnings to the happy couple. Note: In 1997, TV Guide ranked this episode number 53 on its list of the 100 Greatest Episodes.[1] | ||||||
| 10 | 10 | "The Centennial" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | November 22, 1955 | |
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Lt. Barry Parker (Al Checco), a special services officer, has been transferred to Fort Baxter. Parker is surprised at the total lack of fine arts activities. He tells Bilko's men that he expects to see them at the art class. When they learn that beautiful Miss Doozer will be a model for the class, all the men want to go. But, they are disappointed when they have to paint Miss Doozer fully clothed. Bilko comes up with a plan to celebrate the centennial of the camp, knowing the camp has a pretty shady history. Col. Hall doesn't want Parker to find out about the camp's history because he'll probably quit. But when Parker curtails Hall's own card playing activates, Hall lets Bilko go ahead with his plans. Bilko and the men rehearse a play about the history of Fort Baxter. Parker is shocked at all the corruption that occurred. Parker cancels the celebration and quits. Lt. Kissel (Jason Evers) is the new special services officer and Bilko suggests a centennial celebration to him. | ||||||
| 11 | 11 | "Bivouac" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | November 29, 1955 | |
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It is time for the camp's annual bivouac maneuvers. Col. Hall mentions to Captain 'Iron Curtain' Curtis, MD (Arthur Storch) that every year Bilko comes up with some disease to avoid participating. Bilko tries to talk several of the other sergeants into faking an illness with him. They all claim they're not doing it this year. Bilko is surprised when he sees the new doctor. Yet, Bilko is still able to fool Curtis into thinking he has the rare contagious Wilkinson's Disease. Curtis rounds up the sergeants that Bilko talked to and will isolate them together. Curtis gets upset when he realizes he's been tricked. Curtis sends Lt. Hilda Swenson, RN (Philippa Bevans) to stop Bilko from partying in his room. Hilda falls for Bilko's flattery. Curtis decides to get even with Bilko by making him believe he has a rare fatal disease. Hall thinks Bilko is dying until Curtis tells him the truth. Hall makes Bilko do the bivouac maneuvers. | ||||||
| 12 | 12 | "The Singing Contest" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | December 6, 1955 | |
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It is winter time at Fort Baxter and the men are freezing. Bilko gets a memo about a camp singing contest. The finals will be held at Camp Phillips in Miami. Hoping to go somewhere warm, Bilko gets the men to practice singing together. Doberman does a solo and he's not very good. Col. Hall accuses Bilko of betting on the singing contest, but then Hall finds out it was someone else. Because they're so bad, Bilko takes the platoon's welfare fund and bets against them. While Bilko is gone making the bet, the men learn that new recruit Pvt. Claude Brubaker has a great voice. Bilko hears Brubaker's voice and knows the men could win. He tries to talk them into keeping Doberman as the soloist. Bilko then tries to have Brubaker transferred, but it doesn't work. It is time for the contest and Bilko has arranged for Brubaker to be detained somewhere else. The men are sad because they're going to lose. Bilko gets Brubaker back in time and the men wind up in the finals in Miami. Bilko also finds a way to replace the money that he lost in the bet. | ||||||
| 13 | 13 | "The Twitch" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | December 13, 1955 | |
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Col. Hall complains to Captain Whitney about Bilko and all the gambling on the base. Hall tells Barbella that he is to tell Bilko that he is fed up and will be cracking down. Whitney thinks there should be more cultural things for the men to do. At a meeting of some officers and their wives, Bilko can't help but flatter the women, including newcomer Gloria Whitney (Charlotte Rae). Hall tells Bilko that he wants all the men to attend a lecture on Beethoven given by Gloria on Saturday night. There will also be a string quartet. Bilko's men aren't interested in going. Sgt. Allan says that he saw one of Gloria's lectures and she would always twitch during it. Bilko and the men decide to bet on how many times Gloria twitches. During the lecture, Hall figures out what the men are up to. Bilko tells Hall that the men will attend a lecture next week by Lt. Wigman, who tugs at his ear. | ||||||
| 14 | 14 | "The Reunion" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Arnold Auerbach | December 20, 1955 | |
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The men learn that Bilko has been granted a 10 day leave and they're afraid he'll hit them up for money. Bilko gets a letter about a 10 year reunion of his old squad from WW2. Henshaw and Barbella find a way to get money from the men so Bilko can go to the reunion in New York City. Bilko arrives at the Waldorf and he's excited to show the other men how far he's gone in the Army. The men show up to Bilko's room. Bilko is surprised to learn that they are all very successful businessmen and one guy is a doctor. Bilko can't bring himself to tell the others that he's still in the Army. Bilko has a change of heart. When he meets the others for dinner, he's wearing his uniform. The men are actually impressed and they have a great evening reminiscing. The next day one of the men, Pappy Morgan (Horace McMahon), wants to give Bilko a job in his trucking company. After getting a taste of what the job would entail, Bilko decides he'd be happier with his platoon. John Anderson as Zeke 'Ozark' Rutledge. | ||||||
| 15 | 15 | "The Rich Kid" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Barry Blitzer & Terry Ryan | December 27, 1955 | |
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Cpl. Fender is leaving on furlough because his wife had their seventh child. Bilko is upset because he has to give Fender $100 from the platoon welfare fund. Bilko was trying to save up money to buy the Paradise Bar and Grill in Roseville. Pvt. Tommy Vandemere (Mark Rydell) is sent to the platoon to replace Fender. Bilko learns that Tommy is sole heir to a multi-million dollar fortune. Tommy wants a transfer because he knows nothing about cars and he doesn't want to hurt the motor pool's efficiency. The men do what they can to make Tommy fit in. One night they take Tommy to the Paradise Bar. Bilko tries to hint at getting the money to buy the place. Tommy tells him it would be a bad investment. But, because the men have been so good to him, Tommy gives Bilko a blank check. In the end, Bilko decides to not take any money from Tommy. They later learn that he won't get his inheritence for 10 years. Dody Goodman as Waitress. Henry Lascoe as Sam Adamapplelis. | ||||||
| 16 | 16 | "Hollywood" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken | January 3, 1956 | |
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Cecil D. Chadwick (Howard Smith), a Hollywood producer, is planning to make a war film. Benson, his assistant, wants someone who served at the battle of Kabuchi Island to be a technical advisor. Apparently the only serving member of the Army they can find is Sgt. Bilko. General Merritt (Malcolm Lee Beggs), from the Pentagon, calls Col. Hall. At the movie studio, Bilko sits in on a meeting about the movie. There is some confusion over which side of the island the battle was fought and Bilko wants to make some other changes. Chadwick wants Bilko off the property. Bilko threatens to go to the reporters. Filming starts and Bilko causes some problems for Rory Mundane (Eric Fleming), the star of the picture. Bilko takes issue with an actor that is to play him in the movie. Chadwick is furious. Thanks to Bilko, production of the movie is way behind schedule. Chadwick cancels the movie. General Merritt is actually happy about the movie's cancellation and wants Hall to congratulate Bilko. Jule Styne as Himself. Robert Dryden as Sampson. | ||||||
| 17 | 17 | "The Investigation" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | January 10, 1956 | |
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The men learn that Washington has formed a committee to investigate waste in the military and it could mean pay cuts. The committee is coming to Fort Baxter. Bilko actually thinks he can get the committee to give the men raises. He fast talks Col. Hall into letting him show the committee around the camp. Congressman Pettiguild (Ralph Dunn), Clyde Fortright (Howard Freeman) and Alice Colby (Nina Olivette) arrive at the camp. Bilko hopes to show that the camp is very poor. At first Fortright has a hard time believing things are so destitute, but then he is convinced. Fortright says he'll make sure the men get more money. But after the committee goes to Hall's house, they find out things are far from poor and Bilko deceived them. Hall tells the committee he'll show them what the camp is really like. Bilko decides to get some money for the men by playing poker with Fortright and Pettiguild. Jason Evers as Captain Kyler. | ||||||
| 18 | 18 | "Kids in the Trailer" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | January 17, 1956 | |
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Bilko tells Doberman he won a three day pass, all expenses paid. Pvt. Mike O'Brien tells Bilko that his wife and kids arrived in town unexpectedly. They are in a trailer park and Bilko drives him over. Bilko meets the family. Wife Peg is disappointed that Mike can't get any time off. Bilko tells her that Mike is getting a three day pass and will get a WAC to babysit the three kids. Bilko and the men guilt Doberman into giving up his pass. Mike and Peg leave and Bilko is with the WAC in the trailor. Barbella and Henshaw come by and say the WAC is being sent to another camp and they couldn't get a replacement. Bilko is stuck watching the kids and he doesn't know how to change the baby's diaper. Bilko sneaks the kids into camp. Mike Jr. is very much into the Army and gets the men to be more presentable. Mike Jr. learns that his father is actually using Doberman's pass. He goes to Col. Hall to report his father is AWOL. Hall has his wife watch the kids and gives Doberman his pass. Doberman winds up giving his pass to Bilko. | ||||||
| 19 | 19 | "The Revolutionary War" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | January 24, 1956 | |
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Bilko receives a package from his Aunt Minerva. It contains items from his ancestor, Major Joshua Bilko, who was in the Revolutionary War. Joshua was on George Washington's staff. When he learns the supposed great things Joshua did, Bilko feels ashamed and decides to be a better soldier. Bilko tells Col. Hall that he wants to go into officer training. Bilko wants his men to act more Army. Bilko reads Joshua's diary with Barbella and Henshaw. It starts to sound as though Joshua was a conniving and shifty soldier. Bilko still defends him. They then read that Joshua sold tickets for the boat crossing of the Delaware. He sold so many that Washington had to stand. In the end, Washington strips Joshua of his rank. Joshua recommends Benedict Arnold (Frank Marth) as his replacement. Bilko then finds a medal given to Joshua by the British and realizes he was a traitor. Bilko decides to not be an officer and goes back to his old ways. Edith King as Mrs. George Washington. | ||||||
| 20 | 20 | "The Transfer" | Al De Caprio | Harvey Orkin, Vincent Bogert and Nat Hiken | January 31, 1956 | |
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Col. Hall comes back from Washington and is furious with Bilko. Hall saw Bilko and a blonde woman driving in Hall's staff car. Hall also wants Bilko to update his records. Until that is finished, there will be no outside activities, including this Saturday's dance. Sgt. Joan Hogan wants Bilko to pay back the money she lent him. Thinking Hall will never let it happen, Bilko wants to scare Hall by threatening to put in for a transfer. But Hall has had enough of Bilko's antics and transfers him to Fort Jackson, Kentucky. Col. Burke reads Bilko's record and actually likes the antics he's pulled. Sgt. Baycher (Bob Hastings), Bilko's replacement, arrives at Hall's office. Baycher is an overly efficient soldier. Meanwhile, Bilko is fitting in quite well at his new camp, with their dances and poker games. It has been a month and Baycher is driving Hall crazy. Hall's wife, Nell, tells him he clearly misses Bilko. Taking money from the men at Fort Jackson is too easy and Bilko misses the challenge. Bilko winds up coming back to Fort Baxter and Hall is happy about it. Billie Allen as WAC Billie. | ||||||
| 21 | 21 | "The Rest Cure" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Harvey Orkin & Barry Blitzer | February 7, 1956 | |
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Fort Baxter is in the midst of a heat wave. Captain Barker (Nicholas Saunders) ask Col. Hall if he granted Bilko a furlough. Hall says apparently an Aunt of Bilko's, who lives in northern Wisconsin, is quite ill. Barker thinks it is just an excuse to go somewhere cooler. Barker also thinks a talent show Bilko is running will finance his trip. Bilko learns that Hall did barnyard imitations when he was at West Point. Bilko tells his men that he talked Hall into being in the talent show. Barker tells Bilko the show has been cancelled. Barker found out that Bilko lied about his Aunt being sick. Bilko and the men see a news reel about an Army recreational facility in the Rockies for soldiers suffering from mental fatigue. Bilko finds a way to get Major C. W. Friend (David White), who runs the facility, to come and inspect his men. When Friend arrives, Bilko gets all the men to act strangely. Friend wants to send the men to the facility, but Barker tells him the men acting like this is all a hoax. Barker brings Friend to Col. Hall to straighten things out, but Hall does his imitations instead. Things backfire on Bilko when Friend only takes Barker with him. | ||||||
| 22 | 22 | "Dinner at Sowici's" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Harvey Orkin & Barry Blitzer | February 14, 1956 | |
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Bilko is to be best man at the Army wedding of Joe Miller. His men tease him about when he'll marry casual girlfriend Sgt. Joan Hogan, but he says that won't happen. During the ceremony, Bilko starts to worry that Joan may have marriage on her mind. Something Joan does worries Bilko even more. Bilko's mind is eased when Joan says they had an agreement about no G.I. marriage. But then she says her parents are coming to meet him. Barbella and Henshaw tell Bilko he needs to break it off with Joan. Bilko gets jealous when another soldier asks Joan out. Knowing that Sowici constantly fights with his wife Agnes, Bilko wants to take Joan there for dinner. Hopefully this will sour her on marriage. Sowici and Agnes are touched that Bilko wants to have dinner with them and they decide to show him a happy home. When they arrive at the Sowici home, Bilko is surprised to see them acting like a loving couple. Something happens that causes Joan to leave in tears. Darryl Richard as Stanley Sowici Jr. | ||||||
| 23 | 23 | "Army Memoirs" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Harvey Orkin & Barry Blitzer | February 21, 1956 | |
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In New York City, Publisher C. Dunne receives another Army memoir. The title is called "Bilko". It all started when Col. Hall is upset about the monthly reports from Washington. Three of his four sergeants were reprimanded for unmilitary conduct. Bilko comes under pressure when Grover, Pendleton and Sowici complain about his activity on the base. Captain Barker demands that Bilko be punished. Hall demotes him and Bilko becomes the oldest private in the Army. Bilko tells Barbella and Henshaw that it won't be long and he'll be a sergeant again. Bilko pretends to write a book and the others are worried about what he'll say about them. Bilko finds a way to trick Pendleton and Grover into revealing some major mistakes they made that cost the Army. Sowici is worried he's next. The three beg Hall to make Bilko a sergeant again. Bilko tricks Hall into revealing something about himself. We can assume Bilko gets his stripes. Dunne reads that Hall didn't give Bilko his stripes back. Dunne won't publish it as it is too unbelievable and will send it back to the author, Col. Hall. | ||||||
| 24 | 24 | "Miss America" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Arnie Rosen, Coleman Jacoby, Terry Ryan & Barry Blitzer | February 28, 1956 | |
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Bilko's latest money making scheme is the "Sweetheart of the Platoon" contest. Pvt. Irving Fleischman (Maurice Brenner) was the only one to submit a picture. Bilko finds a way to get the other men to also enter. Everyone is stunned when they see a picture of Pvt. Hannigan's sweetheart and how beautiful she is. The men take back their pictures. Bilko sees a future Miss America. Bilko goes to talk to The Editor (Jack Orrison) of the paper that's running the Miss Kansas finals. Bilko has to keep this from Hannigan because he would be against it. Col. Hall tells Bilko to forget about his Miss America plan. Bilko dreams about Hannigan's sweetheart becoming Miss America (Anne Helm) and he's dancing with her. Bilko finds a way to get Hall to change his mind. Word about the contest spreads in the papers. Gen. Merrick from Washington calls Hall and wants the contest shut down. Bilko and the men are already at the contest in Topeka. Josie Hannigan (Judith Lowry) shows up and she's an old woman. Turns out Josie is Hannigan's mother and the picture was taken 40 years ago. Hannigan says his mother is his sweetheart. They still enter Josie and she is a hit. | ||||||
| 25 | 25 | "The Court Martial" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | March 6, 1956 | |
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Col. Hall wants to set a new record for inducting new recruits into the Army. Captain Barker thinks they can process over 300 recruits in under 2 hours. General Rogers is coming to inspect some of the new men. Recruit Charlie Chapman (Joey Faye) sneaks a chimpanzee into the barracks. Charlie explains to Bilko that he and Zippo are part of a vaudeville act. Charlie's brother was supposed to meet him in town to take Zippo. Zippo somehow gets enlisted as Private Harry Speakup. Bilko tries to get Zippo out of the line but things are moving too quickly. Bilko finally tells Hall about the chimp. But General Rogers swears everyone in and Zippo is in the Army. Rogers wants the records changed but they've already been sent to the Pentagon. Turns out Zippo bit Sgt. Sowici on the finger. They now have the excuse to Court Martial Private Speakup to make everything legal and Bilko will be the chimp's lawyer. Bilko takes his job as defending lawyer a little too seriously. But they come up with a way to discharge Private Speakup. | ||||||
| 26 | 26 | "Furlough in New York" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Terry Ryan | March 13, 1956 | |
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Sgt. Joan Hogan is going on a 15 day furlough to New York and doesn't want Bilko to know. She tells WAC Edna and Billie that, while she really likes Bilko, it is a good idea to take a break from each other. Turns out that Bilko is doing the exact same thing and doesn't want Joan to find out. They both learn about each other's furlough but avoid mentioning New York. In New York they each hope to rekindle old friendships and romances. But, neither one is having any luck contacting people. Joan does hook up with two old college girlfriends. A woman named Phyllis, who Bilko once stood up, recognizes him and introduces him to her husband, Sam. Sam gives Bilko the number of his secretary. Bilko calls and it is one of Joan's girlfriends. Not knowing who he is, she wants to hook Bilko up with Joan, but they get disconnected. Through a misunderstanding, Bilko winds up in a steam room at the YWCA with Joan. He doesn't see Joan and all the women leave when they see a man in the room. Both Joan and Bilko come back to the base early. Because they wind up with each other's dog tags, they figure out that they were both in the steam room. | ||||||
| 27 | 27 | "The Big Uranium Strike" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster, Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | March 20, 1956 | |
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Bilko is at the local paper trying to put an ad in about an upcoming dance. While there, Bilko hears that uranium was discovered on Mr. Harris' farm, which adjoins Fort Baxter. Bilko tells his men he believes there may be uranium on base property and they'll all be rich. He wants Doberman to walk around the base at night with a geiger counter while on guard duty. Things do not go well and Doberman winds up falling in a creek. Col. Hall is woken up by flares and other noises. Hall sends for Bilko to find out what's going on. While Hall is in another room, Doberman is brought to Hall's house and the geiger counter goes off. It takes some doing, but Bilko finds a way to get Hall and his wife out of the house. Bilko has his men start digging in the basement. The Hall's come home early and Bilko makes up a story about what the men are doing. Bilko learns from Hall that some radioactive clothing was buried under 15 feet of concrete in the basement. There's also an oil pipeline under the house, which the men dug into. | ||||||
| 28 | 28 | "Bilko and the Beast" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster, Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | March 27, 1956 | |
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The men learn that Quenten Q Benton (George Mathews), a new drill sergeant, just transferred to the base. The men figure he won't last long. Benton and his secretary, Corporal Primm (Don Hanmer), arrive. Benton is nicknamed The Beast and he intends to be tough and in charge. Benton takes over Bilko's office. Bilko bets Sowici that Benton will be gone in a week. Bilko insures Benton for $100,000 and makes himself, Barbella and Henshaw the beneficiaries. Primm tells Benton that if something happened to him, Bilko and the others will get the money. Bilko and the men start to do things that worry and frighten Benton. Benton's been in hiding for a week. Col. Hall orders him to take the men out and work them. Bilko gets the Chaplain to say something that frightens Benton even more. Benton and Primm leave the base. | ||||||
| 29 | 29 | "The Physical Check Up" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan, Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | April 10, 1956 | |
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The platoon is ordered to go on a 20-mile training hike. Bilko has had a rough night. He goes to Col. Hall hoping to come up with an excuse not to go. Despite Hall knowing Bilko is making up an ailment, he excuses Bilko from the hike. Hall mentions that Bilko hasn't been very Army lately and brings up his age. Sgt. Joan Hogan tells Bilko he's scheduled for a physical exam. Bilko is convinced that Hall is trying to get him kicked out of the Army. He decides to get in shape by going on the hike, but he doesn't get far. Bilko then goes to the gym to work out with no success. An attempt to make the doctor think that he can see perfectly without his glasses doesn't work. The doctor tells Hall that he thinks Bilko is losing his mind. Hall thinks Bilko is faking insanity to get out of the Army. Bilko exercises through the night. The next day at his physical, Bilko collapses. The General tells Hall that Bilko is to be on light duty. Bilko should also do relaxing things like playing cards and running dances. | ||||||
| 30 | 30 | "The Recruiting Sergeant" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster & Terry Ryan | April 17, 1956 | |
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Bilko gets a hot tip for a horse race in New York from an old Army buddy. He is broke and gets Doberman to take money from the platoon welfare fund. Bilko learns that no one can leave the post while Col. Hall goes to Topeka on an enlistment program. Bilko tricks Hall into taking him with. In Topeka, Bilko tries to find a bookie and talks to Little Pete (Tony Galento). Pete tells Bilko where to go to see Lonesome Sam (Paul Lipson). Hall won't let Bilko leave until he signs up 6 men. Hall then makes the recruits stay with Bilko. Bilko takes the men with on the long list of directions on how to get to the bookies. They finally get to Sam and Bilko places his bet. Recruit Feldman inadvertantly brings to Police to the bookie parlor. Everyone is brought to the Police station. The Chief of Police turns out to be Feldman's father. Bilko finds a way to have everyone released from the police. The recruits and the bookies all enlist in the Army and Bilko gets his money back. | ||||||
| 31 | 31 | "Hair" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Terry Ryan, Barry Blitzer & Arnold Auerbach | April 24, 1956 | |
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Fort Baxter is having their WAC basketball championship. Joan is upset because Bilko was supposed to take her to the game but he didn't show up. Joan learns that Bilko was playing poker. When Bilko finally shows up, Joan tells him she going out with someone else. She mentions the man's full head of hair, but then apologizes. Bilko goes to see Tony the barber. Tony says he has a new formula for hair restoration. Meanwhile, Sowici, Pendleton and Grover are trying to think of a way to get back at Bilko for winning the poker game. While Bilko is sleeping in the barber chair, Sowici pastes a wig on Bilko's head. Bilko wakes up and he and Tony think the restorer worked. Bilko shows his hair to Joan. When the wig comes off while washing his hair, Bilko realizes a trick has been played on him. And Bilko knows who did it. Bilko tells Tony, who just spent a lot of money buying more chemicals for the restorer. Bilko finds a way to get back at Sowici, Pendleton and Grover and he gets Tony's money back as well. | ||||||
| 32 | 32 | "The Con Men" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Tony Webster | May 1, 1956 | |
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Doberman receives a check for $500 and everyone wants to be his friend. He wants to give the money to Bilko to invest in a scheme. Bilko is touched but wants Doberman to use the money. Because Doberman dresses like a slob, Bilko thinks he should get new clothes. Bilko sends him to cash the check and then meet him at a hotel lounge. At the lounge, Jean (Sally Mansfield), Steve (Grant Richards) and Chester (Danny Dayton) see Doberman as an easy mark. Steve and Jean claim to be from Doberman's home town. Chester comes by and claims to be from the same town. They are con artists and Doberman loses his money in a poker game. Bilko goes to the lounge intending to con the con artists. The three pull the same scam on Bilko that they used on Doberman, but he's on to them. Bilko wins Doberman's money back and money for the platoon welfare fund. Chester pulls a gun on Bilko. Just then, Bilko's men enter the room and grab the gun. Doberman tells Bilko that he just bought the hotel from the owner for $500. Bilko is afraid Doberman was scammed again. | ||||||
| 33 | 33 | "War Games" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Arnold Auerbach | May 8, 1956 | |
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Bilko is caught trying to sneak off base. He was supposed to be best man at his friend Harry's wedding. Col. Hall won't let him go as he was to train new recruits. Harry calls and Bilko tells him he'll have to postpone the wedding. Hall says Bilko can go this Friday night. That's the night of the war games bewteen the Army and the National Guard and Hall doesn't want Bilko around. The recruits arrive and Bilko finds a way to not have to personally train them. Hall is going over plans for the war games. It appears Bilko's recruits are the best squad on the base and are supposed to lead the attack. Bilko is told he has to lead his squad. Bilko sneaks out and heads to the wedding. His squad thinks he's heading to the games and follows him. Everyone follows Bilko to the wedding including Hall. It turns out the bride's father is the Captain of the National Guard. Hall captures him and wins the war games. They then finish the wedding. | ||||||
| 34 | 34 | "Bilko on Wall St." | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Tony Webster | May 15, 1956 | |
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Bilko is to spend a furlough in New York with an old Army buddy, Morgan Twinhasey (Eddie Phillips). Morgan apparently is a Wall Street big shot and a millionaire. When Bilko arrives, he finds out that Morgan is not rich by any means. Morgan is head bookkeeper at an investment firm. He lives in a tiny apartment with his wife Brenda and baby girl, Bermuda. Bilko wants to help Morgan make more money. Bilko shows up at the office of Butterworth, Butterworth and Butterworth Investments where Morgan works. They think he's with Spencer, Hubell and Harris Banking, a firm they want to get an account with. Bilko tells Morgan that he got them to raise his salary to $200 a week. Actually, Butterworth let's Morgan go as they think the other firm wants him and they want to please the firm. Bilko finds a way for the Butterworth's to take Morgan back and at a salary of $250. | ||||||
Season 2 (1956–57)
edit| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original air date | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 35 | 1 | "Platoon in the Movies" | Al De Caprio | Story by : Nat Hiken Teleplay by : Nat Hiken, Tony Webster & Billy Friedberg | September 18, 1956 | |
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Lt. Pierson is thinking of using Bilko's men in a Army training film about the maintenance of the spark plug. It will be up to the cameraman and he picks Pvt. Doberman as one of the leads. They'll come by that night and pick one more person. Pierson picks a couple of men, but Bilko makes up something wrong with each of them. Bilko winds up being chosen. The next day, filming starts and Doberman panics. Pierson decides to go to another Army base and will pick up his filming equipment the next day. Bilko wants to shoot his own film. In Washington, General Cobb and his wife are to view the training film. It turns out to be a musical with Doberman as a new spark plug and Bilko as an old plug. The General is angry, but his wife is enjoying the film. He calls Pierson and wants to talk to Bilko. But after something his wife says, the General congratulates Bilko. | ||||||
| 36 | 2 | "It's for the Birds" | Al De Caprio | Story by : Nat Hiken Teleplay by : Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | September 25, 1956 | |
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Bilko and his men watch a sailor win on 'The $64,000 Question' TV show. He would like to see an Army man on the show. Bilko learns that Cpl. Ed Honnegan (Fred Gwynne) is an expert on birds. Bilko manages to get Honnegan on the show. If he wins, the platoon will split the money. Ed does very well and wins $32,000 and will return next week. But then Honnegan is hit in the head and struck by an unexpected case of amnesia. Bilko comes up with a plan to still win it all. The next week on the show, Bilko is allowed to be in the booth with Honnegan. Pvt. Palmer (P. Jay Sidney) has rigged up a small walkie talkie ear piece for Bilko. The men are back at the hotel room and will try to find the answers. Bilko and Honnegan answer the first several questions correctly. Just before the last answer, the walkie talkie goes bad. Honnegan hits his head again and his knowledge of birds is back. He is able to answer the last question and wins the $64,000. Honnegan tells the Master of Ceremonies that he's going to donate the money to bird watchers clubs. John Gibson as Chaplain. | ||||||
| 37 | 3 | "Bilko Goes to College" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Leonard Stern, Tony Webster & Billy Friedberg | October 2, 1956 | |
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The Dean of Schmill University is reprimanding student Justin Pierce for gambling. Bilko and his men are to give the ROTC unit of the school training in vehicle maintenance. Bilko learns that Justin is the son of a millionaire and he likes to gamble. Justin owes Little Louie (Bern Hoffman) $1000. Thinking Justin might do him a favor one day, Bilko wants to help him. The two go to see Big Ed McMillan (Robert Strauss), head of the local gambling syndicate. McMillan wants the money from Justin. Bilko hopes to get even with McMillan by placing a 1000-1 bet on Schmill's football team to beat the championship team from Notre Dame. Schmill has never scored against Notre Dame. McMillan gladly takes the bet. Bilko uses a little trickery to make the Schmill team sound invincible. McMillan tries to buy his way out of the bet, but Bilko wants much more than what he's offering. After some more trickery, McMillan comes back with the amount Bilko wanted. But Bilko is told that Schmill will actually win and he stands to win $100,000. He turns down McMillan. Schmill loses. Bilko doesn't get any money. McMillan decides to go into another business and he cancels Justin's debt. | ||||||
| 38 | 4 | "The Girl from Italy" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Leonard Stern, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | October 9, 1956 | |
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Bilko, Henshaw, and Barbella go to New York to see My Fair Lady on Broadway. The show is sold out for 6 months, but Bilko finds a way to get tickets. Barbella is also in town to go to his brother's wedding. He learns that the wedding is off. His brother Angelo just met Rosa when she got off the boat from Italy that morning. It was an old country prearranged wedding and Angelo isn't interested. Bilko and Barbella go to Barbella's house and meet Rosa and her Aunt and Uncle. Inspired by My Fair Lady, Bilko decides to make Rosa more desirable so Angelo will want to marry her. It takes some deceiving and manipulating, but Bilko makes Rosa irresistible. Angelo sees her and is smitten. Bilko pretends to want Rosa to make Angelo jealous. Angelo says he loves Rosa and will marry her. | ||||||
| 39 | 5 | "The Face on the Recruiting Poster" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster, Leonard Stern & Billy Friedberg | October 16, 1956 | |
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Pvt. Mike McCluskey (Eric Fleming) is assigned to Bilko's platoon. McCluskey tells Bilko that he's been transferred from base to base because the WACs wind up fighting over him. Bilko thinks he's making it all up. But when Bilko takes McCluskey to the office to check him in, all the WACs do start fawning over him. Bilko sees money to be made making McCluskey a movie star. He takes pictures of Mike and sends them to all the movie studios. They're are all sent back because the pictures were unsolicited. Bilko hopes to get McCluskey's face on the new Army recruiting poster. Bilko talks Col. Hall into helping, but rules say that the men have to take a test on military procedure to get into the competition. Doberman unwittingly winds up being picked as the best-looking soldier on the camp because he scored the highest on the test. Neither Bilko nor Hall can bring himself to talk Doberman out of it. At the Pentagon, when the Captain (Nelson Olmsted) sees Doberman, he sends all the photographers out of the room. They all hope that General Kramer can tell Doberman he's not good looking enough to be on the poster. Kramer looks a lot like Doberman and he wants Doberman on the poster. Bilko finds a way to have Doberman on the poster, but not really seeing his face. Tom Poston as Lieutenant Franklin. | ||||||
| 40 | 6 | "Bilko's War Against Culture" | Al De Caprio | Story by : Aaron Ruben and Phil Sharp Teleplay by : Nat Hiken, Aaron Ruben and Phil Sharp | October 23, 1956 | |
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Col. Hall learns another special services officer, Lt. Roxberry (Dina Merrill), is being sent to camp. Roxberry is to introduce new cultural programs with the purpose of discouraging gambling. Hall tells Bilko about it. Lt. Roxberry arrives at Hall's office. Hall was expecting a man, but Roxberry is a beautiful woman. Bilko comes by and is also surprised. Roxberry introduces them to her assistant, WAC Corporal Sandberg (Mara McAfee), who is also beautiful. The classes start that evening and Bilko is worried it will interfere with his gambling ventures. Despite promising Bilko they wouldn't, once the men see the beautiful women, they sign up for the classes. Bilko finds a way to get the men to leave the classes. Discouraged, Lt. Roxberry tells Hall that she'll be leaving the camp. Bilko learns that this was Roxberry's first assignment and he feels a little bad. It is not long before Bilko finds a way to covertly incorporate gambling into the cultural classes. Roxberry is very happy and says the men don't need her anymore. The men actually start to like the cultural classes. | ||||||
| 41 | 7 | "The Song of the Motor Pool" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Tony Webster and Leonard Stern | October 30, 1956 | |
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The Army is putting on a new TV show and is looking for talent. Bilko and his men sing several songs for Captain Buckmaster (David White), the talent scout. He is not impressed. Later, Bilko thinks his motor pool should have its own song. Bilko hears Paparelli (Billy Sands) singing a melody while in the shower. When Paparelli says he made the tune up, Bilko is convinced he's found the song. But Paparelli is having a hard time remembering the tune and only sings it in the shower. Pvt. Palmer hooks up a microphone in the shower and they are able to record the melody. Bilko calls Buckmaster, but he hangs up. Bilko figures Col. Hall will help them if he thinks he wrote the song. They subliminally get the melody into Hall's head. Hall let's Bilko write words to it. Bilko gets Hall to call Buckmaster. The men will go to New York and perform the song on TV. Right before Bilko's men are to perform the song, they learn that the melody is from a Signal Corps song. Terry Carter as Pvt. Sugie Sugarman. | ||||||
| 42 | 8 | "Bilko's Engagement" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Tony Webster and Leonard Stern | November 6, 1956 | |
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During a poker game, Cpl. Henshaw tells Bilko that he saw Joan in town with Mulligan, a handsome sergeant from administration. Bilko says he's not worried about Joan, but he really is. Bilko confronts Joan when she and Mulligan return to camp. She tells him she's not going to sit around every Saturday night while he plays poker. She says she never wants to see him again. Pvt. Kadowski (Karl Lukas) tells Bilko he had a fight with his girlfriend. He bought a present for her and it is at the jewelers. Bilko sends Doberman to pick up Kadowski's present and gives him money to buy Joan a present. Doberman mixes the packages up and delivers Kadowski's engagement ring to Joan. Joan is thrilled and word quickly spreads around the camp. Joan says that her parents are coming in from out of town. Bilko acts very obnoxious when he meets Joan's parents hoping they won't approve of him. But they're fun loving people and enjoy it. Bilko then acts like a drunk when he meets Joan's Aunt Martha (Philippa Bevans) and Emily. Turns out they're drinkers as well. Bilko wants Burlesque dancer Tessie to pretend to be his Aunt at the reception. But she shows up very dignified. Joan learns the ring wasn't meant for her and the wedding is off. | ||||||
| 43 | 9 | "A Mess Sergeant Can't Win" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster, Leonard Stern & Billy Friedberg | November 13, 1956 | |
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Bilko and the men learn that Sgt. Rupert B. Ritzik's (Joe E. Ross) time is up and he's not re-enlisting. There will be a going away party for him and everyone chips in some money. Because Ritzik always loses money to Bilko, he's not invited. Bilko goes to see Rupert and is told by his wife Emma (Beatrice Pons) that they're going to open up a diner in Peoria for $400. Bilko wants to help Ritzik by raising another $400 for him. Bilko sells all his possessions and tries to give Ritzik the money. Rupert refuses to take the money thinking there's a catch to it. Bilko now wants to lose the money to Ritzik with a rigged bet. But with Rupert's bad luck, no matter what the bet Bilko always wins. Bilko finally finds a bet that Ritzik wins. Because he believes his luck has changed, Ritzik signs up for four more years. Note: Joe E. Ross and Beatrice Pons would later team up as husband and wife in the sitcom "Car 54, Where Are You?". | ||||||
| 44 | 10 | "Doberman's Sister" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Tony Webster and Leonard Stern | November 20, 1956 | |
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This coming Saturday is Fort Baxter Day at the camp. It is tradition for the platoon to date each other's sisters. The guys are having a hard time picking their dates. They then learn that Doberman's sister, Diane, is coming this year. Now all the men pick a date. Bilko tricks Pvt. Fielding Zimmerman (Mickey Freeman) into taking Diane. Bilko invents the mythical Musselman's Law, where the uglier the brother is, the more beautiful the sister is. All the men now have dreams about beautiful Diane. After reading a Movie magazine, Bilko has a dream that Diane is a Marilyn Monroe lookalike. Bilko then tricks Zimmerman into taking Joan and Bilko will take Diane. Bilko makes up a story to Joan about why he can't go out with her. Bilko arranges for a quiet candlelit dinner at a local restaurant. Joan catches Bilko at the bus station and knows he's there to pick up another woman. Diane arrives and she looks exactly like Doberman. When Joan sees Diane, she thinks it was kind of Bilko to take her on the date. | ||||||
| 45 | 11 | "Where There's a Will" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Leonard Stern, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | November 27, 1956 | |
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Bilko and the men say goodbye to Gregory Chickering (Bruce Kirby), who is returning to civilian life. But not before Bilko gets some money out of him. Later, they see in the paper that Chickering's wealthy Uncle passed away and Greg is in the will. At the reading of the will, Greg only get's $1 and a parrot. Attorney Garner (Harry Bannister) believes Greg was cheated out of his inheritance by his devious relatives. Greg calls Bilko for help. Bilko and some of his men head to Detroit and meet up with Greg. The relatives are at the Uncle's mansion. Bilko cooks up a scheme involving a whole host of nefarious characters and a treasure map worth $30 million. They lead the relatives to believe that the parrot holds the secret of the treasure map. Bilko calls Greg and tells him to give the relatives the parrot in exchange for everything they inherited. Back at the base, Greg comes by and says that he kept the parrot because it knows where a fortune is buried. Martha Greenhouse as Esther Reeves. | ||||||
| 46 | 12 | "Bilko's Tax Trouble" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Leonard Stern, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | December 4, 1956 | |
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Mr. Tom Elliott (Dan Frazer), an investigator for the Bureau of Internal Revenue, is wrapping up cases from 1953. Elliott wants to send a letter of investigation to a Mr. Billings. The secretary accidentally grabs Bilko's file. Bilko receives the letter and goes to Internal Revenue office. Elliott tells Bilko is was a mistake. But when he looks at Bilko's file, Elliott wants to know about the money making dances that Bilko threw and other things. Elliott wants all of Bilko's tax records from that year. Bilko panics and has his men go to extreme lengths with tons of paperwork and the verification of party gifts. He convinces Paparelli that he went to Atlantic City, which he didn't. Bilko tricks Col. Hall into buying himself a loving cup. He has to throw a 1953 New Year's Eve Party for the entire platoon. Bilko winds up cleared by an exhausted Elliot and his team. Alan Hewitt as Mr. Drummond. | ||||||
| 47 | 13 | "Mink Incorporated" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | December 11, 1956 | |
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Bilko loses $100 from the platoon treasury money that he borrowed. The men want to know what happened to the money. Turns out he lost it betting on a horse. After seeing something in the paper, Bilko decides to set up a mink farm to get the money back. He just needs to get the remaining $300 in the treasury from Doberman to buy some breeding mink. Somehow he talks the men into the idea and they buy two mink. Bilko asks Ritzik to make up some special food for the mink. Now all he has to do is get the mink to breed. Col. Hall brings Gen. Parker in to inspect the kitchen. Hall smells the mink food and gets Parker out of the kitchen. It's been a month and the mink have not bred. One of the mink looks sick. They can't bring a doctor in because they don't want anyone to know about the mink. Bilko has Doberman imitate the symptoms displayed by the mink to Captain Styles, MD. Bilko soon learns he's been conned and was sold non-breeding mink. | ||||||
| 48 | 14 | "Sergeant Bilko Presents Ed Sullivan" | Al De Caprio | Story by : Nat Hiken Teleplay by : Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Terry Ryan | December 18, 1956 | |
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Ed Sullivan announces that next week his show will feature their annual Army Talent Show. Back at Fort Baxter, the men are auditioning before Special Services Captain Anderson (Charles Cooper). Bilko sings one note and Anderson says thank you and leaves. In New York, Anderson gives Ed the list of the people he's picked from around the country. Ed wants to do a bit with an Army jeep and Anderson says he'll get the Motor Pool Sergeant from Fort Baxter. Bilko gets a telegram saying he's to appear on The Ed Sullivan Show. Bilko arrives at the rehearsals and immediately starts making changes. He thinks he's going to sing in a big musical number on the show. It's not long before Bilko has all of the production team ganging up on Ed Sullivan. Ed confronts Bilko and has him sent back to Fort Baxter. It's the night of the show and Ed announces that it's been changed from an Army show to a Navy one. Somehow Bilko gets on stage. Marlo Lewis as himself. Ray Bloch as himself. | ||||||
| 49 | 15 | "Bilko Gets Some Sleep" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster & Billy Friedberg | December 25, 1956 | |
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Sgt. Joan Hogan tells Col. Hall that Bilko broke a date with her last night because his uncle died. Joan finds out from Sgt. Ritzik that Bilko was playing poker last night. Joan is very mad at Bilko. That night, no one wants to play poker because they want to sleep. Bilko tries, but he can't fall asleep. Bilko's Conscience tells him he can't sleep because he's always scheming ways to outsmart Hall. His Conscience wants him to be a honest human being again. But then Bilko's Ego (Robert Webber) tells him to keep doing what he's been doing. Bilko tells the camp psychiatrist, Capt. Adams (Nelson Olmsted), that he's having trouble sleeping. Bilko goes into a long rant about all his other problems. Adams suggests he reform his ways. Everyone is surprised by the change in Bilko and thinks he's up to something. Now his men can't sleep because they're wondering what's going on. Bilko sees everyone going to talk to Capt. Adams. Everyone is relieved and happy when Bilko goes back to his old ways. | ||||||
| 50 | 16 | "The Blue Blood of Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | January 8, 1957 | |
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Biff Bentonhurst (Stephen Douglass) is going to marry Penny Wingate (Ann Flood). Biff is meeting Penny's parents, Holton and Ruma Wingate (Marjorie Gateson). The Wingate's are a Philadelphia blue blood family and they want to know about Biff's family. Penny and Biff work around telling them that Biff's father, Clifton J. Bentonhurst, is a Sergeant in the Army. Clifton tells Bilko about his son marrying into a wealthy family. The Wingate's learn that Clifton is a Sergeant and refuse to invite him to the wedding. Clifton tells Bilko that he's not going to the wedding. Bilko goes to see the Wingates. With a lot of fast double talk, Bilko gets them to insist on Clifton attending the wedding. A General comes by and exposes Bilko as a con man. But the General does find a way for Clifton to still attend the wedding. | ||||||
| 51 | 17 | "Love That Guardhouse" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | January 15, 1957 | |
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Despite losing at poker to Bilko, Ritzik wants to keep playing. Bilko tells him to stop gambling because he's so bad at it. Mrs. Ritzik wakes Bilko up wondering where Rupert is. Bilko tells her he's not there. Bilko finds out that Ritzik went to Las Vegas. Bilko tries to cover for Ritzik so he doesn't get in trouble. Ritzik comes back and says he won $1,750 in Vegas. Mrs. Ritzik asks Col. Hall to lock him in the guardhouse to keep him away from Bilko. Bilko goes to see Ritzik hoping to be able to play poker with him. The Guard House Lieutenant (Tom Poston) says Ritzik can have no visitors except his wife. Bilko tries a few things to get himself locked up. Hall tells him he's not getting in the guard house. Bilko does finally get arrested, but at the same time, Ritzik is released. Something Ritzik does causes Gen. Davis to arrest him. By the time Hall gets to the guard house, Ritzik has lost his money to Bilko, Sgt. Grover and Sgt. Harry Berch (Frederick O'Neal). The men feel bad and give the money to Mrs. Ritzik. They later learn that Mrs. Ritzik went to Vegas. | ||||||
| 52 | 18 | "Sergeant Bilko Presents Bing Crosby" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Aaron Ruben and Phil Sharp | January 22, 1957 | |
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Col. Hall tells Bilko there will be no more of his dances and no more use of the recreation hall. Bilko was hoping to raise money to replace the platoon treasury money he lost on a horse. Henshaw suggests that Bilko try and get a star to come to the camp. Bilko cons Bing Crosby's manager into having Bing drop by at Fort Baxter. Hall gives Bilko permission to stage a show and sell tickets. Bilko gets a telegram saying that Bing won't be able to visit after all. Bilko runs into Chester Obermeier, a clerk at the Western Union station, and he looks a lot like Bing. Bilko schemes to pass him off as the real thing. It's the night of the show and Bilko can't find Chester and he has to stall for time. Barbella and Henshaw finally find Chester. Everyone realizes it's not Bing and they want their money back. Just then the real Bing Crosby shows up. | ||||||
| 53 | 19 | "Bilko Goes to Monte Carlo" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | January 29, 1957 | |
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Bilko has been spending several nights staying up working on something. Everyone is wondering what scheme he is working on to take their money. Emma Ritzik hides Rupert's money. Bilko tells his men that he's discovered a new gambling system to win at roulette. All the men give Bilko money and he winds up with over $5000. Bilko wants to go to Las Vegas but Col. Hall won't let him go. With the help of Air Force Sergeant Bill Henderson (Bern Hoffman), Bilko heads to Monte Carlo. Along the way, Bilko is given various aliases and more money. Bilko finally arrives in Monte Carlo. Once at the casino, Bilko has second thoughts about gambling the men's money. Somehow the Casino Manager (Marcel Hillaire) thinks Bilko lost all his money and is thinking about suicide. The Manager gives Bilko the amount of money he came in with and thinks Bilko is leaving. Bilko gambles away the money that the Manager gave him. Bilko finds another Manager and gets money from him. He looses all that money as well. The first Manager sees that Bilko is still there and kicks him out, but Bilko still has the men's money. Dan Frazer as Jet Pilot. | ||||||
| 54 | 20 | "Bilko Enters Politics" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | February 5, 1957 | |
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Mayor Burke is running for re-election. Miss Gloria Formby (Margaret Hamilton) complains to Burke that some of the men from Fort Baxter whistled at her. Just then, Bilko comes in and Gloria says Bilko was one of the men. Burke refuses to build a servicemen center for the men at Fort Baxter. Bilko wants to throw a scare into Burke and run one of his men for mayor. Bilko picks Doberman and they start campaigning. Mr. Donnelly, the chairman of the party, comes to see Burke. Bilko and Doberman also come by. Donnelly agrees to build the servicemen center if Doberman drops out of the race. But then Bilko realizes that the newspapers and a lot of people are in favor of Doberman. Donnelly panics and starts an aggressive campaign for Burke. Doberman's campaign really takes off. Bilko edits a tape Col. Hall made against Doberman and turns it into praise. Even the Mayor's wife endorses Doberman. At a rally, Doberman says he does not want to be mayor and endorses Burke. Donnelly tells Bilko he will build the center plus a pool if Bilko promises to stay out of politics. | ||||||
| 55 | 21 | "Bilko's Television Idea" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | February 12, 1957 | |
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Bilko and some of the men are watching Comedian Buddy Bickford's (Danny Dayton) TV show. Meanwhile, Mr. Bigby (Howard Petrie), the Advertising Agency Head, is disappointed with Bickford's ratings. Bigby wants to come up with a new format for the show. One of his assistants suggests an Army character for Bickford. Bilko learns that Bickford will spend a week at Fort Baxter. Bilko knows that Pvt. Art Whitley has been sending script ideas to TV stations. Marsh and Milnik, from the Agency, arrive at the camp. Bilko tries to sell them one of Whitley's show ideas. Bickford shows up and Bilko learns they're doing research for an Army comedy. Bilko tries to convince Bickford that the army comedy is old hat and he's found the perfect vehicle for him. Bickford starts to believe Bilko's idea is funny. In the end, Bickford thinks doing a show about an Army Sergeant that can talk anyone into anything would be funnier. Dagmar as Self. Note: At the time of this episode, Danny Dayton was married to Dagmar. | ||||||
| 56 | 22 | "The Son of Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | February 26, 1957 | |
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Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella are in New York City. Henshaw and Barbella have dates, but Bilko can't get one. Bilko runs into old friend Harvey Metz (Joe Silver). Harvey recommends Bilko call Peggy La Salle (Collette Lyons), who Bilko once dated. Bilko goes to Peggy's place and meets her husband and her son Jeff. Jeff wants to join the Army. On the train home, Bilko tells Henshaw and Barbella that if he had gotten married back then, he could've had a son like Jeff. Bilko dreams he has a son who's very smart and even becomes the President. 18 Year old Pvt. Perkins is assigned to Bilko's platoon and Bilko learns he's been transferred 14 times. Bilko wants to be a father figure to him. Perkins is a practical joker and his antics soon upset the whole platoon. Bilko sticks up for Perkins. While asleep, Perkins puts a wig and lipstick on Bilko. A General comes by and sees Bilko. The men want to get rid of him. Bilko wants to turn the tables on Perkins and puts his own elaborate practical joke into action. But Perkins gets the last laugh and tricks Bilko twice. | ||||||
| 57 | 23 | "Rock 'n' Roll Rookie" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | March 5, 1957 | |
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Rock star Elvin Pelvin (Tom Gilson) is drafted into the Army. Elvin is sent to various Army bases, but his fans keep showing up. At the Pentagon, Capt. Williams (Dan Frazer) suggests to the General that they send Elvin to some small isolated base. Williams picks Fort Baxter. Williams tells Col. Hall that because Elvin is also a good mechanic, he'll be put in Bilko's motor pool. Because he's a millionaire, Hall is worried about putting Elvin in with Bilko. The men are surprised and excited when Elvin enters the barracks. Bilko sees dollar signs. He arranges so Elvin doesn't get a standard GI haircut and uniform. Bilko is offered $10,000 for a new Elvin Pelvin recording. Bilko now has to record Elvin singing without him knowing it. Several attempts to record Elvin fail. They finally are able to record Elvin. He sings an original song about his friends in Bilko's platoon. Bilko is so moved that he destroys the recording. | ||||||
| 58 | 24 | "Bilko's Black Magic" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Tony Webster & Billy Friedberg | March 19, 1957 | |
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World War II veteran Pvt. Lester Mendelsohn (Gerald Hiken) is rescued from a Pacific island after being stranded there for over 10 years. The Army wants to ease him into normal life slowly and sends him to Fort Baxter. He assigned to Bilko's platoon. Bilko doesn't want him, until he learns Lester is due over $7,000 in back-pay. The Army Finance Captain (Dan Frazer) wants Lester to put the money in bonds, but Lester wants the cash. When Lester gets to the barracks, he tells Bilko he already lost all his money to Grover and Ritzik. Lester doesn't care about the money, he just wants friends. Bilko feels bad for him and plans to get the money back. Bilko tells Grover and Ritzik that Lester acquired voodoo powers and can put a curse on anyone who did him an injustice. The two start to panic and Grover spends the night at Ritzik's. They want to give the money back to Lester. But Bilko wants to teach them a lesson. Bilko tells them there's a way to break the curse and gives them an embarrassing list of things to do. Bilko says that didn't work and there now must be a human sacrifice. Ritzik briefly considers his wife Emma. In the end, Lester gets his money back. | ||||||
| 59 | 25 | "Bilko Goes South" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Lou Meltzer | March 26, 1957 | |
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The Midwest is in the midst of a cold wave. Bilko pretends to be sick so he could get a furlough to go to Florida. Capt. Hedges (Nelson Olmsted) is not falling for it and tells Bilko he's staying in camp. Bilko fantasizes about being in a commercial for sunny Arizona and he's dressed like a cowboy. He then daydreams about being in a commercial for Monte Carlo with a girl named Gina (Tina Louise). Henshaw and Barbella mention that the Army has a singing contest this time of year. They send the best platoon from each camp to Florida for the finals. Meanwhile at a Army Tropical Disease facility, they are studying mosquitoes that carry a fungus fever. Capt. Haybert and Capt. Billings ask General Owens to get some Army volunteers to see if it's fatal to humans. Bilko and his men think they are signing the applications for the singing contest, but it's really for the medical test. The platoon arrives in Miami and is treated like royalty. The next day, they are brought into a room where the mosquitoes will be released. Thinking they are auditioning, the men start singing and the Officers have a hard time letting the mosquitoes go. They finally release a couple and Bilko winds up killing them. They release them all and learn that the fever has no effect on humans. Back at Fort Baxter, General Owens comes by to give them a citation of valor. The men learn about the experiment. | ||||||
| 60 | 26 | "Bilko Goes Around the World" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | April 2, 1957 | |
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The men went to see the movie Around the World in 80 Days. The men tell Doberman that he looks like David Niven. Bilko brings in USAF Sgt. Mack (Bob Hastings), who Bilko treated to dinner and a movie, to the base. Mack figures Bilko has a furlough coming up and he wants him to fly him somewhere. Bilko admits he has a woman in San Francisco he wants to hook up with. Mack can connect Bilko with several flights that would take him around the world. Bilko calls Movie producer Mike Todd and suggests a competition to promote 'Around The World In 80 Days'. The prize would be $20,000 to anyone who makes it in 80 hours. Todd likes the idea and runs with it. Meanwhile, Bilko is in a mad rush on the phone to plan all the connecting flights. At the airport there is a lot of confusion and a little boy named Sydney is mistakenly taken in Bilko's place. The Mother (Grace Matthews) has the police take Bilko away. Bilko tries to explain about the trip around the world. Sydney wins the competition. Bernard Fox as Agent in Trinidad. Dennis Patrick as Publicity for Mike Todd. | ||||||
| 61 | 27 | "The Mess Hall Mess" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Terry Ryan | April 9, 1957 | |
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Sgt. Ritzik has been experimenting with different meals and no one likes them. Ritzik tells Bilko he's been doing this because there's a contest for the best original American recipe & a $50,000 prize. Bilko, Ritzik and Grover go to a French restaurant in town. They each have the casserole and it's great. Bilko wants to enter it in the contest. Chef Boudreaux won't give the secret recipe to Bilko. Bilko brings a sample to Lab Tech Charlie (Sandy Kenyon) to have it analyzed, but gets no results. Bilko pretends to save Boudreaux from Ritzik and Grover, who are dressed as robbers, but Boudreaux still won't reveal the recipe. Bilko finds a way to trick Boudreaux into giving him the recipe. But the so-called secret recipe was actually in the Army cookbook all along. Bilko helps Boudreaux make his restaurant one of the busiest in town. Nicholas Saunders as Captain Barker. | ||||||
| 62 | 28 | "The Secret Life of Sergeant Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | April 16, 1957 | |
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Reporter Ray Barker (Philip Coolidge) claims to be exposing many security leaks in the Army. At the Pentagon, Gen. Horner calls Editor Harry Sims (Otto Hulett) and tells him to stop Barker from printing lies. Sims does tell Barker that he has to find real leaks and not make things up. Barker decides to go to Fort Baxter and bribe men to give away Army secrets. He finds a restaurant where Bilko and his men are. Papparelli recognizes Barker as the reporter writing phony stories about the Army. Bilko sees money to be made and will make up things to tell Barker. Bilko pretends to sneak Barker into their barracks. The men then proceed to scam Barker by showing him lots of supposed 'top-secret' documents. They take Barker for a lot of money. Sims calls Barker and tells him all the documents he sent were fake. Bilko overhears the call and proceeds to pull another scam. Barker know believes that Bilko and his men are conspiring to overthrow the government. He tells this to Col. Hall. Bilko tricks Barker into thinking Hall is in charge of their sabatoge plot. Bilko finds a way to get Sims arrested. In the end, they get Barker to write a flattering article about Fort Baxter. Henry Lascoe as Restaurant Owner Adamopolis. | ||||||
| 63 | 29 | "Radio Station B.I.L.K.O." | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Terry Ryan | April 23, 1957 | |
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Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella go to the local radio station. Mr. Nieman, the Manager, agrees to run a plug for Bilko's next dance. Nieman tells Bilko that the station is closing down tomorrow night. Bilko wants to start a radio station because there are still local sponsors. Bilko asks Grover to use the camp's radio room. Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella then sign up local businesses to advertise. Bilko and the men begin broadcasting various programs. Brig. General Cummings (Frank M. Thomas) comes to inspect the base. Bilko has to do some running around to hide the radio broadcasting from him. Barbella tells Bilko that the sponsors have cancelled everything. Bilko has one more program to run called 'John's Original Wife'. As Col. Hall will be out playing cards that evening, they will broadcast from his house. Hall and his wife unexpectedly come back home. A microphone is left switched on and Hall and his wife arguing is being broadcast. Bilko learns from Barbella that all of Roseville are hooked on 'John's Original Wife'. The sponsor that paid for a spot on that show wants it to continue. Bilko finds a way to end the program. | ||||||
| 64 | 30 | "Bilko the Marriage Broker" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg, Coleman Jacoby, Arnie Rosen & Terry Ryan | April 30, 1957 | |
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Lt. Tom Wallace (Biff McGuire) takes command of Company B. He's clearly way too efficient and strick for Bilko and his men. They hope to find a way to soften him up. Wallace has been there 3 weeks and nothing the men have tried has worked. Bilko thinks Wallace might ease up if he had a woman in his life. They try to set Wallace up with the camp librarian Gloria Wigman (Janet Fox). That didn't work. Beautiful WAC Lieutenant Virginia Rogers (Constance Ford) arrives at camp. Bilko introduces Virginia to Wallace and they get into a fight right away. What Bilko doesn't know is that the two are engaged. They faked the fight because no one can find out about them. Bilko wants waitress Cleo the Clutch to make a play for Wallace hoping to make Virginia jealous. Something happens and Cleo winds up flirting with Col. Hall instead. Wallace learns that some people know about the engagement. Wallace and Virginia decide to get married, but then another mistake breaks them up. Bilko finds a way to get them together. Jason Evers as Lieutenant. | ||||||
| 65 | 31 | "Bilko Acres" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | May 7, 1957 | |
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Col. Hall wants to find a place to store old records. He goes to an old gun shed. Bilko and his men are gambling in there and see Hall coming. They are able to hide things before Hall arrives. Bilko now has to find a new place to gamble. Hall accidentally keeps finding the places Bilko picks. Bilko thinks there's a spy among his men. Bilko tries to set a trap for the spy, but it just causes wild rumors to spread around the base. Everyone thinks they're being shipped out and the camp is being condemned. Bilko thinks the Army plans to expand Fort Baxter and buys the adjacent swampland with the Platoon Welfare Fund. Hall tells Bilko that the Army really plans to downsize the camp. Bilko tries to sell lots on the newly-named Paradise Acres. But then the people see what the land actually looks like. Realtor Burke comes back from seeing the land and finds crude oil on his shoes. Burke calls Bilko with a really low offer for the land. Bilko finds oil on his shoes. Realtor Robinson (Stephen Chase) offers Bilko and the men several million dollars. Then they find out that Doberman sprayed oil over the land to kill mosquitoes. | ||||||
| 66 | 32 | "The Big Scandal" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Tony Webster | May 14, 1957 | |
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Professor Horatio Hypnotist is performing at Fort Baxter and he has Sgt. Ritzik under his spell. Bilko claims he can't be hypnotized. Bilko does get hypnotized and confesses that he wrecked Col. Hall's staff car in a stock car race. Hall wants Bilko to fix the car at his expense. Later, Bilko reads a book about self taught hypnotism. To get some money, Bilko bets the men that he can hypnotize Ritzik. Bilko tries to make Ritzik believe he's in love with Hall's wife, Nell. It doesn't work and Bilko loses the bet. What no one knows is that Doberman was hypnotized. Nell is supposed to go away and visit friends for the weekend. Bilko hears on the phone a man professing his love for Nell. Bilko thinks Nell has another man and wants to find out who it is before things go too far. Major Spangler MD (Heywood Hale Broun) comes by to give Nell a vaccination. Bilko at first thinks he is the other man, but finds out he isn't. Bilko hopes that Stacked Suzie (Julie Newmar) can get Nell to see Hall can still attract a woman. Bilko finds out it was Doberman and gets him out of his trance. | ||||||
| 67 | 33 | "Bilko's Perfect Day" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken, Billy Friedberg & Terry Ryan | May 21, 1957 | |
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The fates have aligned and it's the one day in his life when nothing can go wrong for Sgt.Bilko. Bilko tells Barbella and Henshaw about all the bad luck he had the day before. Bilko doesn't notice, but little things are going right for him. He jokingly picks some horses to be winners. Fender (Herbie Faye) tells Bilko there's a civilian in Col. Hall's office who wants to see him. Bilko believes it's the guy he got into an auto accident with yesterday. Mr. Forbes tells Hall that Bilko is the man. Bilko lies and says he was on the base at the time. Somehow Lt. Johnson (Bob Hastings) backs up Bilko's story. Patsy the Bookie (Paul Lipson) calls Bilko and tells him he wants the $100 that Bilko owes him by that night. Bilko learns that because of something he told Doberman, Doberman won $100. Because of Bilko, Ritzik finds a pearl in an oyster. Bilko finds out that Doberman lost the money in a card game. Bilko learns he had a chance to get a $10,000 reward for turning in a wanted criminal. He then finds out all the horses he picked actually won. Bilko figures out it was his lucky day. Bilko gets Patsy to place a bet for him on a horse race in Australia. The horse he picked is in the lead. But then it turns midnight and the horse loses. Parker Fennelly as Mr. MacGregor. | ||||||
| 68 | 34 | "The Colonel Breaks Par" | Al De Caprio | Sydney Zelinka, A.J. Russell, Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | May 28, 1957 | |
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Bilko tells Lt. Johnson that Col. Hall will be going on a 15 day vacation. Hall is to leave that night. Bilko starts planning for dances and gambling events. That night, Hall and his wife Nell are set to go to the movies. They changed their plans and will vacation during the winter. Bilko doesn't know this and starts the festivities the next morning. Suddenly Hall walks in and wants to know what's going on. Bilko finds out about the change in Hall's vacation plans. Because Bilko's plans are in motion and money was invested, he has to find a way to get Hall off the base. Bilko wants to talk Hall into entering an Army golfing tournament. The only problem is that the Colonel is a terrible golfer. Bilko knows champion golfer Sam Snead and calls him up. Sam agrees to help. On the golf course, Hall doesn't recognize Sam, who pretends to be a lousy golfer. Bilko pretends to give Sam some tips. Bilko convinces Hall that he can help him play better. With a lot of manipulation, Hall has his best game ever and decides to go to the tournament. Bilko feels guilty and doesn't want Hall to make a fool of himself. Bilko is surprised when Hall actually becomes a better player. | ||||||
| 69 | 35 | "Show Segments" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | June 4, 1957 | |
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Ed Sullivan meets with Phil Silvers, Harvey Lembeck and Allan Melvin at Lindy's restaurant in New York. They talk about, and the viewer gets to see, scenes edited out of previous shows. Nat Hiken felt these outtakes were too good to end up on the cutting room floor and compiled them into what is possibly television's first 'clip show'. | ||||||
| 70 | 36 | "His Highness Doberman" | Al De Caprio | A.J. Russell, Sydney Zelinka & Billy Friedberg | June 11, 1957 | |
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The men can't work on a jeep until Doberman comes back from town with a carburetor. Doberman comes back in a daze. Later, Doberman is all clean and polished. Because he has a lot of money on him, the men decide to follow Doberman. They find Doberman with a woman in an ice cream parlor. They believe he is in love and want to help him. Duane and the woman drive off in a fancy car. Bilko finds out from the Ice Cream Parlor Assistant (Bruce Kirby) that the woman is Lillian Middleton (Martha Greenhouse). Her father is president of Consolidated Iron and Steel. Lillian brings Doberman home to meet her parents, John and Olivia Middleton (Philippa Bevans). When Olivia sees that Duane is a soldier, she throws him out of the house. Thinking Doberman is going to be rich, the men all want something from him. Doberman tells the men what happened and Bilko brings his spirits up. Bilko gets John and Olivia to believe that Duane is a Crown Prince. Olivia calls Captain J. Barker (Nicholas Saunders) about Doberman. Bilko gets Barker to think that Duane is royalty. Bilko then gets the Middleton's to throw a big party for Doberman. It's the night of the party and Doberman is dancing with Lillian. Barker finds out from the Pentagon that Doberman is just a plain soldier. He goes to the party and Lillian tells Barker she knows the truth about Duane. He lets the charade continue. | ||||||
Season 3 (1957–58)
edit| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original air date | |
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| 71 | 1 | "Bilko's Merry Widow" | Al De Caprio | Nat Hiken & Billy Friedberg | September 17, 1957 | |
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Bilko puts on a production of The Merry Widow for Roseville, Kansas. | ||||||
| 72 | 2 | "Bilko's Boy's Town" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | September 24, 1957 | |
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Col. Hall is talking to his senior officers about the upcoming desert maneuvers. Hall tells his Medical Officer (Nelson Olmsted) to not let Bilko come up with an excuse not to go. Bilko and his men actually want to go because they'll be just miles from Las Vegas. Hall wonders why when Bilko says he's looking forward to the maneuvers. That night Hall figures out that it's because of Las Vegas. Hall orders Bilko and his men to stay at Fort Baxter for the two weeks. Something Fender says gives Bilko the idea to turn Fort Baxter into a Summer Camp for boys. With the fees set at $125 a kid, he hopes to rake in the money. The men manage to recruit quite a few boys. Bilko intercepts a letter from Roger Warren (Darryl Richard) to his mother saying the camp stinks. Bilko learns that maneuvers were cut short and Hall will be back soon. The men have to bring the boys home and refund half the money. Turns out Roger's parents won't be home until the next day, so Bilko has to hide him at camp. Hall discovers the boy and Bilko tries to pass him off as his nephew. Hall says he and his wife will watch the boy. Things get confusing when Roger's parents show up and Hall learns about the boys camp. Roger comes up with a story that gets Bilko out of trouble. But in the process, Bilko has to give Roger all the money they collected for the camp. Godfrey Cambridge as Private Tow. Jason Evers as Capt. Kyler. Nicholas Saunders as Capt. Barker. | ||||||
| 73 | 3 | "Hillbilly Whiz" | Al De Caprio | Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | October 1, 1957 | |
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Bilko's Company B platoon loses at baseball to the WAC typists 24-0. What's worse is that Bilko has a $50 bet with Ritzik and Grover that Company B will beat Company A next week. The next day, Bilko and his men are on the rifle range. Barbella brings new recruit Private Harry Lumpkin (Dick Van Dyke) over. Lumpkin can hit the targets with a rock. He's from the South and they would hunt squirrels that way. Bilko decides to use Lumpkin as their pitcher. Bilko gets Ritzik and Grover to raise their bet to $300. Bilko would also like to make money by getting Lumpkin to sign with the Yankees. Bilko panics when Lumpkin sprains his left throwing hand. Lumpkin claims he can pitch just as well with his right hand. Bilko's team wins. It turns out that Lumpkin can hit as well. Bilko gets a Yankee Scout (Frank Campanella) to come to Fort Baxter. Bilko and Lumpkin are going to New York. Lumpkin's girlfriend Lulabell will meet them there. Lumpkin hears he'll be trying out for the Yankees. As a Southern boy, he couldn't play for that team. Bilko talks him into going. Bilko gets some of the Yankees to pretend they're from the South and Lumpkin signs the contract. Because of Lulabell, Lumpkin winds up playing for another team and Bilko is out any money. Guest Stars: Phil Rizzuto, Yogi Berra, Gil McDougald, Whitey Ford and Red Barber. | ||||||
| 74 | 4 | "Bilko's Valentine" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | October 8, 1957 | |
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The other WACs ask Joan (Elisabeth Fraser) what kind of Valentine's gift she got from Bilko. Once again, he forgot to get her something. Joan tells the girls the only thing she got was re-enlistment papers. She'll sign the papers, but she'll let Bilko think she didn't. Bilko finds out it's Valentine's day and he hears Joan is leaving the Army. Bilko believes that she is bluffing. When Joan learns that Bilko doesn't think she'll leave, she actually gets on a train and goes. Bilko pretends he doesn't care. When he calls Joan, she hangs up on him. Bilko goes to see Capt. Witherspoon at the WAC recruiting office. He talks her into sending him to Sumter, Georgia where Joan is with her Mother (Nydia Westman). Bilko has a small recruiting gathering in front of the Mother's house, but Joan won't talk to him. He tries a radio broadcast to get Joan's attention. Bilko goes to her house again and Joan slams the door in his face. Mother tells Joan she should re-enlist and get stationed somewhere like Paris or Rome. Joan dreams she is in Paris and meets someone that looks like Bilko. The same thing happens in Rome and then London. Joan re-enlists at Fort Baxter and Bilko almost ruins things again. Billie Allen as WAC Billie. | ||||||
| 75 | 5 | "The Big Man Hunt" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | October 15, 1957 | |
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In Kimberley, South Africa, Red Thompson (Robert Gist) has discovered a diamond mine. Apparently, Bilko saved Red's life in World War II and Red wants to give him half of everything he has. Red will hire some private detectives to find Bilko. Meanwhile, Bilko is trying to raise $100 to enter the Poker Olympics in Topeka. Bilko has won the Olympic cup two years in a row. One more win and he could keep the cup permanently. Bilko goes to the Bank President (Otto Hulett) and manages to get the money. Despite General Hollander coming for an inspection, Bilko gets a pass to leave. When two detectives come looking for Bilko, he pretends to not know who Bilko is. The detectives eventually figure out who Bilko is, but he manages to get them to leave him alone. Bilko reads about Red in the paper and heads to New York. At the hotel, there's a long line of men who claim to have saved Red's life. Bilko finally gets to see Red and Red doesn't recognize him at first. Red gives Bilko a blank check to fill out. Red is then told that the land where he found the diamonds is owned by the Kimberley Mining Company. Red is broke. Bert Freed as 2nd Detective. | ||||||
| 76 | 6 | "Bilko's Double Life" | Al De Caprio | A.J. Russell and Sydney Zelinka | October 22, 1957 | |
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Bilko owes just about everyone in town money. Bilko is going on furlough to New York and the men sneak him out of camp. Meanwhile, millionaire Herbert Penfield III has been a nervous wreck lately. His doctor thinks Herbert should go to a quiet little town where no one knows him. Martin (Leonard Elliott), Herbert's Manservant, suggests the town where his father was born, Roseville, Kansas. In New York, Bilko is mistaken for Herbert and given a suite in the hotel. Herbert and Martin arrive in Roseville and Herbert wonders why everyone is treating him so badly. He doesn't know they think he's Bilko. Herbert winds up paying some of the people the money that Bilko owes them. Bilko learns that he is mistaken for Herbert, but doesn't know he's a millionaire. Helen Penfield (Eileen Letchworth), Herbert's sister, comes by. She wants him to attend a family meeting and stand up to Uncle Randolph. Bilko helps the Penfield family and Herbert makes things right with Joan and others. Bilko and Herbert run into each other at the train station. John C. Becher as Hotel Manager. Heywood Hale Broun as Haskins - Hotel Asst. Manager. Ann Flood as Lucille the Girlfriend. Paul Lipson as Patsy the Bookie. Henry Lascoe as Adamapolis the Restaurateur. | ||||||
| 77 | 7 | "Sergeant Bilko Presents" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | October 29, 1957 | |
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New recruit Pvt. Hugo Lockman gives the men tickets to a play he wrote. Bilko was going to have a dance the same night. He asks Lockman what he's making on the play and he says nothing. Bilko then schemes to make money off the play. At the dress rehearsal, Bilko sees that the actors are all children. Bilko wants to take the play to Broadway with real actors. He hopes to raise money from the Roseville Woman's Club, but he finds they have none. He tries the bank, but has no luck. Bilko talks to Major Lukens (Edward Andrews), the Special Services Officer. He talks Lukens into starting an Army play writing contest. Lockman wants to rewrite the third act, but he can't come up with anything. It doesn't help that Bilko is rushing him as there's a deadline to mail the play in. Lockman finally finishes the play. Major Lukens tells the men that a winner was picked and the play will be produced on Broadway. It wasn't Lockman. Apparently, when Doberman mailed the play in, he didn't put stamps on it. Darryl Richard as Big Poppa. Karin Wolfe as Blanche. Philippa Bevans as The Chairwoman. | ||||||
| 78 | 8 | "Papa Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Sydney Zelinka & A.J. Russell | November 5, 1957 | |
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A French girl comes to Fort Baxter and calls Bilko "Papa". | ||||||
| 79 | 9 | "Bilko Talks in His Sleep" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | November 19, 1957 | |
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Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella are at a bar and grill and don't have enough money for the three to eat. Grover and Ritzik come by and show them the large amount of money they have. They tell Bilko that they're not going to bet with him anymore. Grover asks waitress Gladys for a date and she says she'll let him know. Bilko then asks Gladys for a date and tells her he'll take her to a fancy restaurant. She says yes. He now has to scam his men to get the money. Bilko starts talking in his sleep & unknowingly gives away the secret of his scam to Grover and Ritzik. They win the money. That night, Grover and Ritzik learn another gambling secret from a sleeping Bilko. They take Bilko for more money. Because of something Doberman says, Bilko realizes he's been talking in his sleep. He decides to turn the tables on Grover and Ritzik. The next night, Bilko pretends to be asleep and gives the two wrong information about their next bet. Bilko also leads them to believe he only has three months live and he's leaving all his possessions to them. Bilko's plan backfires when Grover and Ritzik spend all their money to bring in Doctor Gracey, a specialist, to save Bilko. | ||||||
| 80 | 10 | "Cherokee Ernie" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen, Coleman Jacoby, Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | November 26, 1957 | |
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The men are excited for their 2 week furlough. They also look forward to their share of the welfare fund. Bilko finally has to admit that he lost the money on a horse. The men now don't have the money to go anywhere. Pvt. Charlie White Eagle (Ira Lewis) tells Bilko he's going to a place where there are plenty of poker games. Bilko decides to go with Charlie and promises his men he'll win enough money to give to them. On the train, Charlie tells Bilko they'll be staying with his family and his sister Shanatooma. Bilko dreams he's Running Fox and beautiful Shanatooma loves him. After they arrive, Bilko meets the family and Shanatooma, who turns out to be a little girl. Charlie and Bilko learn that a river that supplies their water has been damned up. Bilko is inducted into the Cherokee Indian tribe and discovers a document that indicates that Oklahoma belongs to the Indians. Bilko calls himself Bald Eagle. They go to see J.J. Clarkton at the Bureau of Indian Affairs. Bilko then goes to see Clint (David White) and some other oil tycoons. Bilko finally gets a financial offer for the Cherokees that he finds acceptable. It is learned that the document proves the Cherokees signed the land over and the offer is taken back. Bilko does get some money so they could buy the land around the river and remove the damn. Percy Verwayen as The Grandfather. | ||||||
| 81 | 11 | "Bilko Buys a Club" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | December 3, 1957 | |
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Bilko and some of the men go to see Realtor Crowe. Bilko wants to set up a nightclub. To get the land he wants, Bilko has to come up with $750. He learns that some National Guard soldiers have been assigned to Fort Baxter. Bilko hopes to get some money from them, but he's not having much luck. He finds out that one of the men is involved in a multi-million dollar deal. Bilko needs to find out which recruit it is. Pvt. Sam Baker (Peter Turgeon) tells Pvt. Franklin DeWitt (Edward Andrews) about the railroad bond issue his office was working on. Papparelli misunderstands the conversation and thinks DeWitt is the rich guy. The guys treat DeWitt like a king. Crowe tells Bilko that he's too late and someone has already put an option on the land. At the Pentagon, a General tells the other officers that they have purchased the land by Fort Baxter to test radio activated land mines. Bilko and the men take DeWitt to an abandoned building on the land telling him they want to make it a home for old soldiers. Bilko thinks he has it made when DeWitt says he'll contribute some money. A plane detonates the mine and the building blows up. DeWitt gives Bilko a check for $20 and tells him he's just a butcher. Bilko finds out that Baker is the rich guy and he gave a check for $20,000 to build an old soldiers home. Clifton James as National Guard Sergeant. | ||||||
| 82 | 12 | "Lieutenant Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Sydney Zelinka & A.J. Russell | December 10, 1957 | |
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A happy Col. Hall tells his wife Nell that tomorrow Bilko's stint in the Army is up and he's leaving. The platoon begs Bilko to stay. A General learns that during World War II Bilko was temporarily promoted to lieutenant. But somehow the temporary commission was never canceled. Bilko needs to sign a form to officially terminate the promotion. Bilko learns what happened and wants to collect his back pay. But he won't get it if he leaves the Army, so he re-enlists. At what was supposed to be the going away party, Hall comes to say goodbye to Bilko. Hall finds out about Bilko's lieutenant status and that Bilko refuses to sign the termination form. Hall has WAC Edna try to get through to the Pentagon. General Williams tells Hall he needs a man for a dangerous mission. After meeting Lieutenant Bilko, Williams thinks he could be the man. When Bilko hears about the mission, he at first wants to sign the termination form. But then he decides to go through with it. Bilko is relieved when the mission is called off. Hall finds out that if Bilko stays a lieutenant, he would actually owe $6000. Bilko signs the form. | ||||||
| 83 | 13 | "Bilko at Bay" | Al De Caprio | A.J. Russell, Sydney Zelinka & Terry Ryan | December 17, 1957 | |
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Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella are going on furlough to New York City, but they have very little money. Bilko comes up with a plan to visit some of the men's mothers along the way and get free meals. At every stop, Bilko exaggerates how great and well liked their sons are at camp. Despite being out of the way, their next stop will be Mrs. Doberman's (Dulcie Cooper) house. Mrs. Doberman runs a boarding house and two of her guests are Wilson (Henry Lascoe) and Finch (Philip Coolidge). They are bank robbers who are hiding out as fishermen until their leader Louie (Frank Campanella) shows up. Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella arrive and Finch is worried they'll figure things out. Finch is glad when they leave. But they return when their car breaks down. Bilko figures out Wilson and Finch are the missing robbers. Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella are now being held captive. Because of a little boy (Flip Mark) next door, Wilson finds out that Bilko was trying to send a note. Police Officer Billy Stevens (Frank Marth) comes by asking about the broken down car. Bilko tries to get Stevens to take him away, but Mrs. Doberman ruins it. Louie arrives disguised as a State trooper and Bilko thinks he saved. When he realizes who Louie is, Bilko pretends that he, Henshaw and Barbella are crooks as well. A radio announcement states that police know the crooks are in the area. Louie and his gang switch clothes with Bilko. The plan doesn't work and Officers arrest Louie and his gang. It turns out Mrs. Doberman knew they were crooks and was just waiting for Louie to show up. Clifton James as State Trooper. | ||||||
| 84 | 14 | "Bilko F.O.B. Detroit" | Al De Caprio | Sydney Zelinka & A.J. Russell | December 24, 1957 | |
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Col. Hall is reluctantly sending Bilko and his men to Detroit to pick up a load of trucks. Hall wants him back in two days. Bilko packs for a much longer stay. At the Bellman Motor Company in Detroit, Roger K. Bellman is upset that his son, Roger K. Bellman, Jr. (William Hickey) is being inducted into the Army only as a Private. Bilko complains about the quality of the trucks as an excuse to have to stay longer. Bellman thinks Bilko is just wasting taxpayer money and will not pay for hotels and meals. Bellman, Jr. suggests the men sleep and eat in the factory. After stroking Bellman's ego, Bilko talks him into buying a Basic Training Kit that would allow GI's to train at home. This would save the government millions of dollars. Bilko and his men will move into Bellman's lavish home to test the kit on Bellman and his son. While the Bellman's are training, Bilko and his men are lounging poolside with bathing beauties. Hall calls Bilko and says if he's not back in a day, he'll send the military police. Bilko learns that Bellman hopes to mass produce the kits and sell them to the Army. Bilko tries various ways to get the rights to the kit back. General Worthington comes by to talk to Bellman. Bellman finds out that Bilko tried to sell his kit to Worthington, who thought it was stupid and turned Bilko down. Hall can't believe it when Bilko and his men return to Fort Baxter without the trucks. | ||||||
| 85 | 15 | "Bilko and the Flying Saucers" | Al De Caprio | Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | December 31, 1957 | |
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At a Washington D.C. nightclub, singer Bonnie Morgan (Constance Ford) is talking to a Sergeant (Dan Frazer) and the name Bilko comes up. Bonnie knew Bilko from years ago. Bonnie flashes back to when her and Bilko were in New Guinea during the war. She was in the USO. Bonnie calls Bilko at Fort Baxter and asks if he could come to D.C. to see her. In his mind, Bilko remembers Bonnie not wanting him to be shipped out from New Guinea and that she loved him. Bilko finds out that if anyone sees a UFO they have to bring the evidence to the Pentagon. That's his ticket to D.C. Knowing that he's into science fiction comic books, Bilko goes to see Ritzik. Bilko tells Ritzik he saw a flying saucer. To get Ritzik to verify his story, Bilko has him search the skies the next night. Bilko, Henshaw and Barbella stage some fake lights and sounds and Ritzik and Grover believe they saw the UFOs. Major Charles Lukens doesn't believe it. Bilko will give Lukens the same treatment and includes Doberman dressed as an alien. Lukens sees everything and tells Bilko he filed a report. Lukens tells Bilko he doesn't have to go to the Petagon, because an Army Inspector is coming to camp. Bilko and Ritzik wind up being locked up for observation. | ||||||
| 86 | 16 | "Bilko and the Colonel's Secretary" | Al De Caprio | Sydney Zelinka, A.J. Russell, Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | January 7, 1958 | |
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Col. Hall's secretary Silvia has been transferred and the other WACs wonder when he'll get another one. When Bilko finds out, he wants to pick the new one. Bilko tricks WAC Edna into picking WAC Cpl. Blanche Ripley. Meanwhile at Camp Miller, Blanche is with her boyfriend, Sgt. Bill Harrison. Blanche is devastated when she learns she's been transferred to Fort Baxter. Bilko gives Blanche some presents when she arrives hoping to get on her good side. When she finds out it was Bilko who arranged the transfer, she assigns his platoon to garbage duty. Blanche then continues to give the platoon the worst assignments. Bilko learns about her boyfriend. Bilko tries to get Blanche to believe that the men have paint poisoning and need some time off. She finds out he's making it up and gives the men another lousy job. Doberman tells Bilko about a Miss Roseville contest and the winner will get a trip to Switzerland. Bilko takes some elaborate measures to get the three finalists to drop out of the contest. Blanche wins but she thinks it's all a fake stunt by Bilko. Bilko gets Hall to think Blanche is in love with him and Hall transfers her back to Camp Miller. Bilko's plan backfires when Sgt. Bill Harrison is transferred to Fort Baxter as Hall's new secretary. He's not happy to know it was Bilko that had Blanche transferred. Suzanne Storrs as Lucille Lyons. Mara McAfee as Barbara Ritter. Grace Carney as Mother Lyons. John Cecil Holm as Father Lyons. | ||||||
| 87 | 17 | "Doberman the Crooner" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp, Terry Ryan & Vincent Bogert | January 14, 1958 | |
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The men and the WACs are listening to a record of a male crooner who is very good. Bilko figures out that the recording was made locally. Bilko thinks the singer could make it big and he wants to manage the person. The problem is they have to find out who it is. What they don't know is that Doberman is the singer. For a brief moment Bilko thinks the singer is Col. Hall, but it isn't. Then they think it might be Zimmerman (Mickey Freeman) and then Papparelli and then Grover. Bilko finally figures out it's Doberman. Bilko gets Doberman a spot on a local amateur hour TV show. Bilko learns from Doberman that he only sings well when he has a cold. His cold is gone and his singing voice is horrible. Bilko figures they'll just make a record whenever Doberman gets a cold. Bilko goes to Record Producer Buckley who agrees to make a recording of Doberman. Bilko finds out that Captain Masters (Nelson Olmsted) is giving volunteers a cold virus hoping to develope a vaccine. Doberman is given the virus and developes a cold. But in the process, he loses his voice. Captain Masters tells Bilko that Doberman responded to the vaccine and may never get a cold again. | ||||||
| 88 | 18 | "Bilko Presents Kay Kendall" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | January 21, 1958 | |
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Bilko talks Kay Kendall into performing for his men. | ||||||
| 89 | 19 | "Bilko's Cousin" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | January 28, 1958 | |
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In Valley Falls, Uncle Fred and Aunt Julia Bilko are about to see off their son, Pvt. Swiftington 'Swifty' Bilko (Dick Van Dyke). He's being sent to Fort Baxter where his cousin Ernie Bilko is. Swifty is apparently not too bright. Bilko gets a telegram about Swifty's arrival and he's looking forward to another Bilko at camp. He now envisions all the schemes he can pull off with Swifty helping him. Lieutenant Wilson (Bob Hastings) gives Col. Hall the list of new recruits. Hall is worried when he sees the name Bilko. When the men hear another Bilko is coming, they all hide their money. Bilko gets Swifty into a poker game. Swifty has no idea what he's doing but he wins. Bilko thinks Swifty bluffed his way into winning. It's not long before Bilko realizes that Swifty knows nothing about the game. The men find out what a rube Swifty is and they start to take advantage of him. Bilko hopes to run a scam to make Swifty an officer so the enlisted men can't fleece him anymore. Hall is impressed with Swifty and tells General Adcock about him. But then Hall finds out what a rube Swifty really is and worries what the General will think. Hall transfers Swifty to a weather observation station where he'll be by himself. Later, Swifty's brother Clem arrives at camp and he's quite the card shark. | ||||||
| 90 | 20 | "Bilko's Pigeons" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | February 4, 1958 | |
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Lt. Anderson (Bob Hastings) gives Col. Hall a memo from the Pentagon stating that all base carrier pigeons must be removed. Hall says that Bilko has been looking after the birds. Hall was happy that Bilko was taking care of them and hoped it would change his character. What Hall doesn't know is that Bilko has been using the birds as racing birds and the men were gambling on them. Bilko hopes to raise enough money to buy a Jaguar automobile. Barbella tells him that the pigeon training and breeding is to be terminated. At first Hall wanted to try to let Bilko keep the birds as pets, but then he finds out what Bilko really did with them. Bilko goes to see Zoo Director Huggins (Ralph Dunn) wanting to donate the birds to the zoo. Bilko finds out the birds are worth $200 and decides he'll try to sell them. Bilko does find someone to sell them to, young Georgie Baker Collingsworth III. He still needs more money to buy the car. The birds come back and Bilko has to get rid of them before Hall finds out. He sells them to Grover knowing that they'll fly back. He'll then return them to Georgie. The birds come back. Bilko just needs a little more money and sells them to Ritzik. Grover figures out the scam Bilko has been running and will teach him a lesson. He leads Bilko to believe that Ritzik cooked the pigeons and Bilko will owe Georgie $200. Grover gets a friend to sell Bilko what he'll think are different pigeons that he'll be able to give to Georgie. When Bilko gives the birds to Georgie, he learns they are the originals and he was scammed. Grover and Ritzik buy the Jaguar. | ||||||
| 91 | 21 | "Cyrano de Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | February 14, 1958 | |
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Bilko has set up another one of his dances. The band leaves because Bilko won't pay them cash in advance. Bilko has everyone dance to music from a radio. Pvt. Harold Westrum would like to meet a girl at the dance and asks Bilko's advice. Just as he's about to talk to her, another man asks her to dance. The next day Harold talks to Bilko about the girl, Natalie Rumplemeyer (Lee Meriwether). Bilko calls her up pretending to be Harold and sets up a date. Harold tells Bilko that the date didn't go well. Bilko then writes Natalie a letter as Harold and she finds it quite charming. She writes him a letter back. Harold tells Bilko that he's engaged and he's going to buy her a ring. Bilko wants to look into this Natalie to make sure she's not a gold digger. Bilko goes to see Natalie and meets her Aunt Natalie (Kay Medford). He thinks that she is Harold's Natalie. To find out more about her, Bilko takes Aunt Natalie out several times. He spends a lot of money on her and notices she never mentions Harold. Bilko proposes to Aunt Natalie. He then learns about young Natalie. Bilko goes to tell Aunt Natalie about the mistake and she has thrown an engagement party. He can't bring himself to say anything. Bilko finds a way to get Aunt Natalie and Police Chief Ericson together. Tim Herbert as Roger the Musician. | ||||||
| 92 | 22 | "The Colonel's Reunion" | Al De Caprio | Coleman Jacoby & Arnie Rosen | February 21, 1958 | |
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Retired Gen. Bertram Whitney (Howard St. John) is speaking with his wife Cornelia about a reunion he will be hosting. Meanwhile, Col. Hall is talking to his officers about Operation Moonbeam. Hall wants to stop all of Bilko's gambling activities. Captain Barker and a couple MP's confiscate much of Bilko's gambling equipment. This goes on for several days. No matter where Bilko and the men try to covertly gamble, they are found. Bilko finds out about the reunion. With Hall off the base, gambling can resume. Bilko learns that Hall wasn't invited but finds a way to get him an invitation. Apparently, Whitney remembers Hall and calls him "Old Melon Head". Bilko's plan falls through when Hall tells him he and Papparelli are going with to the reunion in Chicago. At Whitney Manor, Bilko and Papparelli overhear Bertram and Cornelia ridiculing the Hall's. Bilko, posing as a special agent, gets Whitney to believe John Hall is a genius in charge of a secret space mission. Bilko then poses as a French fashion designer and gets Cornelia to believe that Nell Hall has excellent fashion sense. The Hall's are surprised by the reception they receive. Bertram offers Hall a high paying job at one of his companies. Bilko finds a way to keep Hall at Fort Baxter. George Kennedy as MP Sgt. Kennedy. | ||||||
| 93 | 23 | "Bilko Saves Ritzik's Marriage" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | February 28, 1958 | |
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Ritzik tells Bilko and the men that it's his 15th Wedding Anniversary. He bought flowers and candy for Emma. Bilko asks him to play a little poker but Ritzik says he has to be home by 8pm. Ritzik winds up playing cards all night. Bilko and the men try to trick a sleeping Emma into thinking Ritzik is only an hour late. She finds out it's the next morning. Emma says she's fed up and is leaving Ritzik. Ritzik doesn't seem to mind. Bilko feels bad and wants to get them together again. Bilko finds a way to have Ritzik see pictures of Emma everywhere. He wants to get her back. Ritzik goes to the movie house where she's working, but she doesn't want to talk to him. Bilko then tries to make Emma jealous by saying Ritzik is seeing another woman. His plan backfires when Emma gives Ritzik a subpoena for a divorce. Bilko poses as Ritzik when he sees the Judge (Walter Greaza). Barbella and Henshaw pose as Ritzik's college aged sons. The Judge agrees to help. Emma and Ritzik are very polite to each other and it's a strain. Bilko gets them to yell at each other and they're happy again. Frank de Kova as Judge's Assistant. | ||||||
| 94 | 24 | "Bilko, the Art Lover" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | March 7, 1958 | |
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Bilko wants the grease pits in the motor pool cleaned out. He then barks orders at his men. They can tell something's wrong. Captain Masters, MD thinks Bilko needs a break and gives him a two week furlough. As usual, Bilko has no money and the men won't give him any. Bilko goes through his books to see who owes him money. Bilko finds old Army buddy Carlyle Thompson III (Alan Alda in his television debut). Carlyle was supposedly to come into millions when he reached 25, which Bilko figures he must be by now. Bilko calls Carlyle, who invites Bilko to his house in New York. Meanwhile, Carlyle's father is upset with him because he aspires to be a Bohemian sculptor. Carlyle II wants his son to go into his shipping business. It turns out he won't turn 25 for another seven months. Bilko arrives. Carlyle has a fight with his dad and leaves, taking Bilko with him. They wind up at a cheap apartment and Bilko learns that Carlyle is penniless. Bilko tries several ways to sell Carlyle's artwork with no luck. Bilko finds a way to get one of Carlyle's sculptures in a new building his father put up. Bilko brings Carlyle and his father back together. Henry Lascoe as The Landlord. Eddie Lawrence as Felix Standish. | ||||||
| 95 | 25 | "Bilko, the Genius" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen, Coleman Jacoby, Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | March 14, 1958 | |
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Buzzy Groggin (Alfred Sandor), who ran the Motor Pool before Bilko, comes by. Bilko thinks Buzzy isn't doing well. Buzzy says he owns 300 cabs and is doing great. He tells Bilko he got where he is because of some classes he took in the Army. Bilko goes to a class and takes an aptitude test. Bilko doesn't know any of the answers. Captain Barker sends the papers to Washington. Bilko is mistakenly declared a genius. He is transferred to Camp Greenville, a special camp of high IQ intellectuals. Major Donnigan introduces Bilko to the men he is to supervise. Bilko intercepts a call that says there was a mistake and he is not a genious. He will be transferred back to Fort Baxter. Bilko asks GI Mathematician Wilkins if he could figure out the winner of a horse race. Bilko wants to call Patsy the Bookie, but learns there's no outside calls from the camp. Cpl. Electrical Engineer Engel (David Sheiner) rewires a radio transmitter for Bilko. Bilko gets a hold of Patsy, but he won't make the bet without the money in his hand. GI Engineer Walter Maxwell (Mason Adams) builds a rocket for Bilko to send the money to Barbella. Despite attempts to shoot it down, the rocket makes it to Fort Baxter. All the horses that Bilko bet on won and he stands to get $350,000. Barbella tells Bilko that they couldn't get the bets in because the MP's and the FBI traced the rocket. Frank Campanella as Second Lieutenant. Graham Jarvis as GI Meteorologist Galileo Barton. | ||||||
| 96 | 26 | "Bilko the Male Model" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | March 21, 1958 | |
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The men are looking at a picture in Life magazine that happens to have Bilko in the background. Bilko was supposed to be at Fort Riley, but he was actually in Chicago. Bilko returns to camp and finds out about the picture. Bilko finds a way to prevent Col. Hall from seeing it. Meanwhile at a New York advertising agency, Executive Larkin (David White) is talking about the Life magazine picture. He would to use Bilko's 'common, friendly face' in an ad campaign for a new smoking jacket. Larkin goes to Fort Baxter and Hall now sees the picture. Hall wants Bilko confined to the base for a year. Larkin tells Hall that the Pentagon has cleared Bilko to go to New York. At the Agency, Bilko meets the photographer, Pete Summers (Sandy Kenyon). Bilko starts to ham it up. Larkin tells him they want an everyday normal man look. Bilko wants J.B., the Head of the Agency, to sign him up for a long term contract. Bilko is told they only wanted one picture as a test. If the campaign works, they'll need Bilko for more. Bilko talks J.B. into using Roseville as a test market. Bilko has the platoon go to the store and ask about the smoking jacket. J.B. agrees to let Bilko start a modeling agency. But then J.B. learns that Bilko rigged the whole test market. Erik Rhodes as Advertising Executive Smithers. Jack Collins as MSgt. Andy Pendleton. | ||||||
| 97 | 27 | "The Colonel's Inheritance" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp, Terry Ryan and Paul Jordan | April 4, 1958 | |
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Col. Hall learns from Estate Representative Metcalf (Robert Dryden) that he's inherited $5000. Bilko senses that someone on the base came into money. He thinks it's Ritzik, but he's wrong. Bilko learns Grover sold his car, but he already bought an engagement ring with the money. Bilko finds out it's Hall that has the money. Hall asks WAC Edna to get a couple MP's to take the money to the bank. Bilko sends Barbella and Henshaw, dressed as MP's, to pick up the money. When Patsy the Bookie sees the money, he extends Bilko's credit. The same happens at various places around town. Now that Bilko's credit is good, he goes to the bank to deposit Hall's money. While there, he hears a customer recommend a stock that he says will double that day. Bilko goes to stock broker J. Arnold Simpson to buy the stock. Barbella and Henshaw try to talk Bilko out of it. The stock does go up and Barbella and Henshaw tell Bilko to sell. He gets greedy and then the stock plunges. Bilko tries to borrow the money from the bank with no luck. At the Barbershop, Hall hears Simpson talk about a soldier who lost $5000 in the market. Bilko finds a way to get the money and Hall feels bad that he suspected Bilko. Henry Lascoe as Adamapolis. John Marley as Joey the Dealer. | ||||||
| 98 | 28 | "Bilko's Honeymoon" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | April 11, 1958 | |
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Bilko thinks Papparelli is crazy to enter all the contests that he does. Papparelli gets a telegram that he won an all-expenses paid 10 day vacation for two at a hotel in Miami. Bilko wants to go with. He needs to get leave for the two from Col. Hall. Hall will be going away for two weeks. He gives Bilko the leave because he doesn't want to have Bilko at camp while he's gone. Bilko learns that the vacation Papparelli won was for honeymooners. Bilko hopes to sell the tickets to Rupert and Emma Ritzik, but they just laugh at the idea of a second honeymoon. Bilko convinces Papparelli to pose as a woman. The two arrive in Miami and have to face the press. Papparelli has been stuck in the room for 5 days while Bilko goes out with different women each night. What they don't know is that John and Nell Hall arrived in Miami. They see Bilko's picture in a paper saying he's there with his new wife. They go to Bilko's room to surprise him. They congratulate him and want to meet his wife. Bilko has to find someone to pass off as his wife. Bilko and Dinah (Gretchen Wyler) join the Hall's for dinner. Bilko has it staged so Dinah gives him her ring back and leaves him. | ||||||
| 99 | 29 | "Bilko's Chinese Restaurant" | Al De Caprio | Terry Ryan | April 25, 1958 | |
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Bilko is charging the men for dancing lessons. Captain Barker comes by and Bilko claims he's teaching the men judo. He brings three new men for the motor pool, Pvt. Anderson, Pvt. Dawson and Pvt. Huang Lee. Bilko makes the three pay for dance lessons. When Lee tells Bilko his father owns 10 restaurants, Bilko does what he can to pamper Lee. Bilko gets Lee to play Mahjong and Lee wins a lot of their money. Bilko dreams that he has a lot of Chinese restaurants and makes a lot of money. The next day, Bilko decides to open a restaurant in town. Lee finds a location. Bilko introduces Lee to Ritzik and Ritzik agrees to cook in the restaurant. Ritzik starts to order what he'll need to make the meals. The men practice being waiters. Ritzik is having a hard time making the Chinese meals. Col. Hall and Captain Barker are surprised when they get Chinese food for breakfast. Noticing the huge quantities of Chinese ingredients being ordered by Ritzik, the Pentagon decides to send the men from Fort Baxter to the Pacific island of Macoochi. When Hall sees the Pentagon orders, he knows somethings wrong. Ritzik finally perfects the Chinese meals. Lieutenant Williamson arrives to brief them about the transfer. Bilko finds a way to have Williamson change his mind about the transfer. | ||||||
| 100 | 30 | "Operation Love" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen, Coleman Jacoby & Terry Ryan | May 2, 1958 | |
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The WAC's of Fort Baxter are getting unhappy about the time their men are gambling with Bilko. It's the night of the USO Spring Dance and the men are looking forward to it. All Bilko has to do is show them a deck of cards and the men start gambling. The girls have had enough and decide to transfer away from Fort Baxter. After a week there are hardly any WAC's left on the post. Some of the men have to fill in their jobs, which leaves Bilko with less men to gamble with. The men are sad that their girlfriends have left and they start blaming Bilko. Bilko tries to get a female poetry club to meet with his made up club. The women look forward to meeting the sensitive men and then Bilko's girl crazy mob shows up. A Col. Elliott Gruber shows up because he actually is a poetry lover. The men are quite bored with Gruber's long readings. Some of the men start talking about transferring to camps that have WACs. Bilko goes to a WAC training camp hoping to get some of them to come to Fort Baxter. He shows them slides of good looking soldiers he claims are in his motor pool. Then he stages a phone call claiming he gets Hollywood leading men to come to Baxter. It's been a couple days and none of the WACs transferred to Baxter. Before some of the men can leave, the WACs show up. All the men have dates and Bilko has no one to gamble with. Peggy Cass as Daphne Smathers. Danny Dayton as Sgt. Coogan. Philippa Bevans as WAC Capt. Wallace. | ||||||
| 101 | 31 | "Bilko's TV Pilot" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | May 9, 1958 | |
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Bilko produces a pilot for a TV show. | ||||||
| 102 | 32 | "Bilko Retires from Gambling" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | May 16, 1958 | |
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Col. Hall uses a card expert to trick Bilko into thinking he's gotten bad at gambling. | ||||||
| 103 | 33 | "Bilko's Vacation" | Al De Caprio | Terry Ryan & Neil Simon | May 23, 1958 | |
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Bilko tries to convince his platoon to vacation at Dimmeldorf Lodge since he'll get a free week there. | ||||||
| 104 | 34 | "Bilko's Insurance Company" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | May 30, 1958 | |
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Bilko starts an insurance business that also offers maternity benefits. | ||||||
| 105 | 35 | "Bilko's Prize Poodle" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | June 6, 1958 | |
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Bilko enters a poodle in a dog show to win $10,000. | ||||||
| 106 | 36 | "Bilko's School Days" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | June 13, 1958 | |
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Bilko hopes to make money of a training school being planned at Fort Baxter. | ||||||
| 107 | 37 | "Joan's Big Romance" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | June 27, 1958 | |
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Joan has a picture taken of her with a millionaire to get back at Bilko for choosing poker over her. | ||||||
Season 4 (1958–59)
edit| No. overall | No. in season | Title | Directed by | Written by | Original air date | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 108 | 1 | "Gold Fever" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | September 26, 1958 | |
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Bilko plots to have his platoon transferred to the site of a gold mine. | ||||||
| 109 | 2 | "Bilko's Vampire" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | October 3, 1958 | |
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Ritzik is too addicted to horror movies on TV to focus on poker games. | ||||||
| 110 | 3 | "Bilko's De Luxe Tours" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | October 10, 1958 | |
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Bilko organizes Hollywood tours and guarantees meetings with movie stars. | ||||||
| 111 | 4 | "Bilko the Potato Sack King" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | October 17, 1958 | |
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Bilko tries to convince the Army that the million burlap bags can be useful. | ||||||
| 112 | 5 | "Bilko vs. Covington" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon, Terry Ryan & Arnie Rosen | October 24, 1958 | |
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A visiting sergeant challenges Bilko's gambling business. | ||||||
| 113 | 6 | "Bilko Joins the Navy" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | October 31, 1958 | |
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Bilko, Paparelli and Zimmerman pretend to be sailors to get into a dice game. | ||||||
| 114 | 7 | "Bilko's Big Woman Hunt" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | November 7, 1958 | |
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Bilko falls for a dancing teacher. | ||||||
| 115 | 8 | "Bilko and the Crosbys" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | November 14, 1958 | |
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Bing Crosby's son Lindsay joins the army, leading Bilko to wonder what life would be like if he were head of the Crosby clan. | ||||||
| 116 | 9 | "Bilko's Allergy" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | November 21, 1958 | |
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Bilko develops an allergy to playing cards. | ||||||
| 117 | 10 | "Bilko and the Chaplain" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | November 28, 1958 | |
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Col. Hall assigns a chaplain to the platoon in order to keep Bilko and his men in line. | ||||||
| 118 | 11 | "Bilko Presents the McGuire Sisters" | Al De Caprio | Phil Sharp & Terry Ryan | December 5, 1958 | |
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Bilko plots to make money off managing the McGuire Sisters. Note: Features an uncredited appearance by Maude/The Golden Girls star Bea Arthur and Mickey Rooney. | ||||||
| 119 | 12 | "Bilko's Secret Mission" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | December 12, 1958 | |
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Bilko and Ritzik end up in Las Vegas on a secret mission in Nevada. | ||||||
| 120 | 13 | "Bilko's Giveaway" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | December 19, 1958 | |
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Bilko wins a lot of merchandise on a quiz show, then tries to sell it on his own giveaway program. | ||||||
| 121 | 14 | "Bilko and the Medium" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | December 26, 1958 | |
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Bilko uses a medium to get Ritzik's money. | ||||||
| 122 | 15 | "Bilko's Bopster" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | January 2, 1959 | |
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Bilko learns that his new recruit is a famous bandleader. | ||||||
| 123 | 16 | "Bilko's Hollywood Romance" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | January 9, 1959 | |
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Bilko becomes part of a press agent's scheme to fix a movie star up with a "simple" soldier. | ||||||
| 124 | 17 | "Bilko's Grand Hotel" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | January 30, 1959 | |
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Bilko purchases a rundown hotel in the hope that a famous chain will buy him out. | ||||||
| 125 | 18 | "Bilko's Credit Card" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | February 6, 1959 | |
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Bilko starts a credit card club for the Camp Fremont service personnel. | ||||||
| 126 | 19 | "Viva Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | February 13, 1959 | |
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Bilko and his men vacation in Mexico where they have trouble with the language and the law. | ||||||
| 127 | 20 | "The Colonel's Promotion" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | February 20, 1959 | |
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When Col. Hall misses out on a promotion, Bilko talks him into complaining to the President. | ||||||
| 128 | 21 | "Bilko's Sharpshooter" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | February 27, 1959 | |
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Bilko's latest scheme involves a sharpshooting WAC. | ||||||
| 129 | 22 | "Bilko's Formula Seven" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | March 6, 1959 | |
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Bilko believes that a mixture of applejack juice and crankshaft oil will make a fortune as the next best cosmetic product. | ||||||
| 130 | 23 | "Bilko's Ape Man" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | March 20, 1959 | |
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Bilko attempts to make Private Forbes a star by casting him in an ape picture. Features an uncredited appearance by Lucille Ball. | ||||||
| 131 | 24 | "Warrant Officer Paparelli" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | March 27, 1959 | |
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Bilko promotes Paparelli to warrant officer. | ||||||
| 132 | 25 | "Bilko's Godson" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | April 3, 1959 | |
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Bilko becomes godfather to a baby boy -- and begins planning the infant's future. | ||||||
| 133 | 26 | "Guinea Pig Bilko" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | April 17, 1959 | |
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Col. Hall tricks Bilko into being a test subject for a new tranquilizer. | ||||||
| 134 | 27 | "Bilko, the Butler" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | April 24, 1959 | |
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Bilko worms his way into a society dinner dressed as a butler. | ||||||
| 135 | 28 | "Ritzik Goes Civilian" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | May 1, 1959 | |
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After Ritzik's wife talks him into leaving the army, they lose their life savings to swindlers for their newly opened diner, so Bilko tries to help them get it back. | ||||||
| 136 | 29 | "Bilko's Small Car" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | May 8, 1959 | |
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Bilko uses Col. Hall's new car to transport gambling equipment, but when the police impound the car, Bilko must replace it. | ||||||
| 137 | 30 | "Doberman: Missing Heir" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | May 15, 1959 | |
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When Doberman is discovered to be the long-lost heir to a British fortune, Bilko schemes to receive his cut of the dough. | ||||||
| 138 | 31 | "Bilko's Casino" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | May 22, 1959 | |
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Bilko converts USO headquarters into a casino. | ||||||
| 139 | 32 | "The Colonel's Second Honeymoon" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | May 29, 1959 | |
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For his vacation, Bilko picks the same location where Col. Hall is on his second honeymoon. | ||||||
| 140 | 33 | "Bilko in Outer Space" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | June 5, 1959 | |
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Bilko tricks Ritzik and Grover into taking a space endurance test before winning $600 from them in a poker game. | ||||||
| 141 | 34 | "The Bilko Boycott" | Al De Caprio | Arnie Rosen & Coleman Jacoby | June 12, 1959 | |
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Bilko concentrates his gambling efforts on the WACs when Henshaw sets up a Gamblers' Anonymous club. | ||||||
| 142 | 35 | "Weekend Colonel" | Al De Caprio | Neil Simon & Terry Ryan | June 19, 1959 | |
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Someone resembling Col. Hall turns the officers' club into a casino while the real Col. Hall is on a weekend break with his wife. | ||||||
Special (1959)
edit| Title | Directed by | Written by | Original air date | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| "The Phil Silvers Pontiac Special: Keep in Step" | Al De Caprio | Unknown | January 23, 1959 | |
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In this hour-long special, Bilko stages a musical celebration of silver screen beauties entitled Bilko's Brevities. | ||||