Talk:2017 Aztec High School shooting/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Nominator: PARAKANYAA (talk · contribs)

Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 06:02, 26 March 2024 (UTC)

Happy to review this. I can't guarantee that I will get to it before Wednesday afternoon but I will do what I can to give this a look before too long. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 06:02, 26 March 2024 (UTC)

Lead and infobox

• I think a link to the high school itself in the lead would be helpful

done

• move full stop after "notoreity" outside of the quotes per MOS:LQ

done

Background

• First sentence is a little long, lots of commas

done (I accidentally interpreted this as a criticism of the first sentence of the lead, so i changed that too. i think it might be a bit better this way, but opinions? i can change it back if not)

• "According to the Department of Education..." → New Mexico DoE or US DoE? Either way, recommend a link (New Mexico Public Education Department or United States Department of Education)

was US, fixed

• Did Atchison suddenly stop seeing the counselor shortly before the shooting or was this several years before?

the article places it before he dropped out of school so around 2012 - i rearranged it a bit to make it more chronological

• "after the suspension, and dropped out" → remove comma

done

• "for being a troll, and was at times" → remove comma

done

• "...who several months later..." → reads as redundant with this quote and "in July of that year" are both in the same sentence

fixed

• "Together, he and Sonboly" → since Sonboly was the last person being talked about, it sounds like "he" refers to Sonboly; recommend "Together, Atchison and Sonboly"

fixed, but i removed the "together" since i feel that is redundant

• "killing a lot of people within a budget."" → move full stop outside quotes

done

Shooting

• Recommend mentioning briefly that Fernandez and Marquez were students

added

• "student occupied" → "student-occupied"

done

• not sure that you need the exact quotes from Hill, just that he was yelling about a shooter - this would also help simplify that formatting with the quotes and commas

done

• "announcement calling for a lock-down" → recommend removing hyphen in "lockdown" and linking to Lockdown

done

• "As a substitute teacher, Ms. Potter" → don't need "Ms."

done

• "office, and barricaded" → remove comma

done

• "were in there, and fired several" → remove comma

done

• "the hallway, before" → remove comma

done

• "locked classrooms, until they were" → remove comma

done

• "Teachers and students hid in locked classrooms" (plural) ... "walk out of the room" (singular)

fixed

• "toward the back of the building and toward the parking lot" → repetitive; "toward the back of the building and the parking lot"

done

• "they were later picked up by their parents" → the teachers and students were both picked up by their parents?

source says both students and staff were "reunited with family", fixed

• "at Aztec High School" → I don't think the school needs its long-form name at this point in the article; I think "at Aztec" or "at the school" suffices

done

• "was an American football player" → link is good but recommend piping it to read "was a football player" since we're talking about the U.S. and the other sport would be soccer

done

Aftermath

• "take care of each other"." → full sentence, so move full stop inside quotes

done

• "the shooting, and called for action" → remove comma

fixed

• "to be safe at school"." → full stop outside quotes

done

• "the perpetrator, but was surprised" → remove comma

done

• "against the Aztec school district" → if this is the name of the school district then it needs caps

it's called "Aztec Municipal School District", and i think it's weird to fully name that as well as the police department

• First paragraph of "Lawsuits" is a bit repetitive; consecutive sentences start with "The suit claimed..." and "The lawsuit claimed..."

fixed

• "the death of her daughter" → "the family" does not agree with "her"

the second lawsuit is, as far as i can tell, just from the mother, so fixed

• "who would go on to kill nine people" → I don't think this detail needs to be repeated

fixed, changed sentence

• "and determined he wasn't a threat" → "wasn't" is a little too informal

fixed

• "December 14, 2020 for technical" → comma after "2020" per MOS:DATECOMMA

done

• "a security door was enacted" → sounds strange, maybe "was installed"?

done

• "online, and had praised" → remove comma

done

• "Peter Langman. a counseling" → wrong punctuation

fixed

Sorry for the delay in getting this done - this is what I have from my first read-through. Nice work, no rush in getting to these. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 19:38, 31 March 2024 (UTC)

@PCN02WPS Done, I think. Hope I didn't create any new problems. PARAKANYAA (talk) 11:01, 3 April 2024 (UTC)

It just occurred to me that the ordering of this article is a bit off in that, despite the FBI investigation preceding the Munich shooting, the Munich info precedes it in the article. Maybe I should flip it? Thoughts? PARAKANYAA (talk) 14:23, 3 April 2024 (UTC)

Just a few more things:

• "Atchison opened fire in the upper level hallway of the 800-900 student-occupied building" → does this mean there were 800 to 900 students in the building? If so I would recommend a reword to make this clear
• "officials to walk out toward the back of the building and the parking lot," → replace comma here with a semicolon

A couple minor prose/punctuation things I picked up on my second time through. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 02:04, 7 April 2024 (UTC)

@PCN02WPS Fixed the second one. The first one confused me too, but it actually has nothing to do with the number of people in the building. 800-900 or 800/900 is the name/code of the main part of the building, according to the lawsuit. I rearranged things to fix that (I hope). PARAKANYAA (talk) 06:44, 7 April 2024 (UTC)

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.