Talk:After School Matters

Juliaelizabetht Peer Review

Lead

The lead was very neutral and informative. It told the "who" "what" "when" "where" or the most important information we needed to know. In the first sentence, instead of, "..after school and summer programs and jobs...", I would omit the "and" and replace it with a comma so the sentence reads: "After School Matters (ASM) is a non-profit organization that provides annual after school and summer programs, as well as jobs to over 15,000 Chicago high school teenagers each year." The first sentence/claim has no source/citing. The second sentence is well worded, however I thought it seemed to go better in the history and background section, rather than the lead.

History and Background

The first sentence of the section seems a little repetitive, because you just finish stating that ASM was founded by Maggie Daley in the las sentence of the previous section. I thought a good link to another Wikipedia article was "Richard M. Daley". I thought Lois Weinberg as well as Gallery 37 would be goo pages to link to as well. The wording was completely neutral, ver informative and appropriate for Wikipedia. There were a few claims made with no citing/referencing, which is the only addition I would make to this section.

Demographics

Very neutral and well worded, however instead of "diverse" racial groups, maybe change it to "various", because "diverse" can be subjective. An addition I would make to this section is information about what areas/schools they mostly work in.

Programs and Partnerships

Good neutral beginning. Some suggested links I would make would be to the wiki pages of "West Town Bikes", "Forward Momentum" and "1871".I thought the layout of this section was very readable.

The "art" programs section was very well worded and neutral. I thought there was a good use of specific examples (the artwork in the McCormick Places Metra Station). I think the sentence "A mural funded by After School Matter and worked on by the students is also located..." should have a comma after Matter and before is, changing it from a run on sentence. I think it should read: "A mural funded by After School Matters, and worked on by the students, is also located..." There is also no source/reference for this claim.

The sentence: "Students can also participate in programs offered through Forward Momentum where they can learn and perform different dance styles such as Ballet, Latin, African, and Hip-Hop", sounded a lot like an ad to me. Instead, I would write: "Students can also participate in various dance programs offered through Forward Momentum".

In the "communication and leadership" program I thought the sentences didn't flow very well. In the first sentence, there is no ties to After School Matters at all. The sentence just begins with: "Business, journalism, marketing, media, and social science are programs that are provided under Communications and Leadership." I would at least end the sentence with "through After School Matters". Also there is no reference for the first sentence.

In the second paragraph for the communication and leadership programs there is almost no citations after each sentence, just after the last. Also, "which would aid them in leadership skills and understanding public political discourse and identifying the rhetorical styles" makes no sense. "which would aim them in leadership skills ..." doesn't make sense. This first sentence in the second paragraph is also very long. I would consider breaking it up into two sentences.

In the "sports" programs sections there was also little citations made after 2 our of the 3 sentences in the section. The sentence, "The program offers students to build their own bike and earn a stipend at the end of the program" kind of sounds weirdly worded. "The program offers students to build.." doesn't make sense. This sentence also slightly sounds like an ad to me.

The first sentence of the "STEM" programs section has no source, and doesn't really make sense. There is also no link to After School Matters. The phrasing, "allows students to be selected to intern" sounds really weird to me. Instead I would something like "it gives students the chance to intern...". The last sentence in the STEM programs section was very long.

After School Matters Gala

The first sentence of the section need a source. It is a good concise, and neutrally worded section, however I am just not sure this section is necessary. Maybe rename the section "events".

Notable Donations

Instead of "notable donations" I would change the section to "funding". The first sentence of this section needs a citation. Instead of referring to the members of the Chicago Bulls (Michael Jordan and Derrick Rose) as "stars", refer to them as "players". Besides that the wording is very neutral.

Controversies

Last two sentences in this section are run on sentences. I take out the word "noted" in front of restaurant owner, because it sounds biased.

Overall Review

1. What does the article do well?

This article did a fantastic job of staying neutral and just reporting the facts from other sources. I think the wording and structure of your sections are very informative and concise, making the content very readable. Almost all of their sources checked out as reliable secondary news sources, which was very impressive. They had a wide range of sources which added to the credibility of their article. The article was very well structured, and for the most part there was a good balance of coverage over all aspects of After School Matters.

2. What changes would you suggest the author apply to the article?

The main changes I would make are all minor grammatical or wording changes that I have mentioned in my review above. I would also make sure to add citations for every claim made in the article, as some are missing.

3. What's the most important thing the author could do to improve the article?

I think fine tuning needs to go into this article. It has a great foundation with very good content now they just need to work on a little sentence structure, grammatical errors and wording. Keep re-reading this so you make sure you have dotted your i's and crossed your t's.

4. Did you notice anything about the article you reviewed that could be applicable to your own article?

I noticed their lead was very to-the-point which is something I think we need a lot of work on. Also their objective writing style was something that I want to apply to our article as well.

2601:240:D780:4AC2:A01A:49F4:5C63:97DD (talk) 04:54, 16 April 2018 (UTC)juliaelizabetht 2601:240:D780:4AC2:A01A:49F4:5C63:97DD (talk) 04:54, 16 April 2018 (UTC)Julia Thompson

SuperSenior (talk) 15:36, 18 April 2018 (UTC)

The article was well written just needs some tweaks

• Take out the "located on Randolph Street, it is not needed
• The lead should have more information since Maggie Daley's death who is running the program now?
• Gallery 37 has its own wiki page, so I would link that
• rephrase " promoted programs" on History and Background. It sounds awkward
• What does STEM stand for?
• Link WBEZ wikipedia page in controversies
• USC Shoah Foundation has a wikipedia page
• I would also link the celebrities wiki page to the article.
• If possible, I would add a little more on controversies for example was there any fallout regarding the controversy?

The article overall was organized very well, there was no biased language. The breakdown of the programs was a great addition and it was very well worded. — Preceding unsigned comment added by SuperSenior (talk • contribs) 01:23, 17 April 2018 (UTC)

= Peer Review - TaylorEmm

This group's article has been progressing well. The article provides a lot of information while appearing still organized and clean.

I have noticed a sentences that could be tightened up. In doing so, areas with repetitive information or linguistic line errors or re-phrasal would give the article a more professional read. These areas could be identified by reading aloud or using (Ctrl F) which would highlight specifically searched words that might be repeated too many times in a brief space.

Some line edits I noted and suggest are listed below:

In the lead, I feel as though the first sentence could be smoothed out to, "After School Matters (ASM) is a non-profit organization that provides yearly/ annual after school and summer programs...'. By moving the time reference to earlier on within the sentence, it cuts a few of the words from it and creates a more concise introduction to the article.

I also suggest replacing the term high school teenagers with the term high schoolstudents. This change would just sound more formal and fluent.

Within the second sentence of the Lead, I believe there should be a 'the' before 'former first lady' in the statement. This would change the sentence to 'The organization was originally founded by the former first lady of the City of Chicago, Maggie Daley."

The History section of the article well provides a significant amount of information within a brief space. I do believe it could be condensed or nit picked even more.

Notes I made about the History section include:

The first sentence is noticeably redundant of the last sentence of the lead, rendering the information unnecessary. To fix this, I would remove the name of the founder, Maggie Daley, from the sentence and instead focus the information on the program's founding during Robert M. Daley's first term.

Following, I believe that the information about Lois's titled job position, could be removed from the sentence. The information is not strongly correlated to the History of After School Matters, and is therefore unneeded in the section.

Reading aloud, I also noticed that the sentence of "Gallery 37...Chicago." includes the word programs too many times and could overall be rephrased.

In the following sentence, you include a phrase in (parenthesis). I recommend removing this information, or creating an independent sentence without the use of (). This will just make the article appear more professional.

Further, I would note the number of times the word kids is used within this passage, and substitute some of its uses for synonyms such as, students or participants.

In regards to the Demographics section, I only noticed a few structural changes.

In the sentence:'After School Matters serves the local Chicago youth and adolescent population aged 14 through 19 years old', I feel like the word serves is a misleading word word for Wikipedia, and can be replaced. The sentence could also be rephrased and shortened to; ' ... works with Chicago's youth and adolescent population, between the ages of 14 and 19.'

Straying away from line edits, some other suggestions or notes I took include:

The Programs & Partnership section does a good job of linking other Wikipedia articles to your article, connecting it to the Wikipedia community.

I think the title of the STEM section should be restructured to have the actual term, 'Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics', first and then the abbreviation 'STEM' following.

Continuing through, I also noted that some note worthy references such as Michael Jordan and Derrick Rose, listed in the Donations section, could be linked to their Wikipedia pages. 'Wikifying' the article would be the next, most beneficial, move for your group.

So far, the article is definitely off to a good start and only minor changes are necessary.

Taylor Emm (talk) 13:26, 19 April 2018 (UTC)TaylorEmm Taylor Emm (talk) 13:22, 19 April 2018 (UTC)TaylorEmm

Taylor Emm (talk) 05:22, 17 April 2018 (UTC)TaylorEmmTaylor Emm (talk) 05:22, 17 April 2018 (UTC)

— Preceding unsigned comment added by Taylor Emm (talk • contribs) 05:05, 17 April 2018 (UTC) 

Peer Review Kwiatek1212

• I think that the introduction is good, it is concise and to the point.
• I would restructure the sentence that is in parenthesis in the second paragraph of the History and Background section. I would try to make this into a sentence, as the parenthesis give create a strange break in the section.
• Delete the "now" from the sentence "After School Matters now has over 20,000 adolescents signed up..." from the demographics section.
• Restructure the second paragraph under the Art section ("Examples of projects that students have worked on..."). There are a few grammatical issues that disrupt the flow of the read.
• The use of "lost their lives" in the third paragraph of the Arts section may not come off as neutral.
• If possible, I think it would really add to your article if you added some photos of the murals or other projects that the students have created.
• As an overall note, I would watch out for run on sentences. Avoid over using "and" and include more commas.
• Delete "even" ("even how to repair bikes") from the second paragraph of the Sports section.
• I think you have a really solid amount of good sources.

Kwiatek1212 (talk) 14:30, 17 April 2018 (UTC)

• I don’t think 3 “and” sounds good in the first sentence. It is a lead so it should sound smooth but those 3 “and” make it sound overwhelming.
• I think the lead paragraph needs more information. For example, tell who’s the president of the organization is or what region they serve.
• In the history and background section: “Gallery 37 was an initial program that promoted programs.” It sounds strange “program that promoted programs”.
• I would link Gallery 37 because it has its Wiki page.
• In the art section, you guys can link “Metra” because it has its Wiki page.
• In the art section “Examples of projects” I would leave example singular because you guys talk about one example in that sentence.
• Communications and leadership section: “which would aid them in leadership skills and understanding public political discourse and identifying the rhetorical styles.” I think instead of the first “and” you guys could just put a comma.
• Link USC Shoah Foundation to their wiki page.
• In the sports section, the first sentence I would start with After School Matters offer…
• STEM section, the first sentence: It is not clear what programs, STEM?
• In the notable donations section, I would link the people/organizations who donated it if they have their Wiki page.

Lauraski (talk) 00:07, 18 April 2018 (UTC)