Talk:Akane Tsunemori/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: ChrisGualtieri (talk · contribs) 04:46, 2 August 2014 (UTC)

• I'll review this shortly. ChrisGualtieri (talk) 04:46, 2 August 2014 (UTC)

Looks very good, but the prose jumps out at me.

• "Though initially uncomfortable with her job due to the idea of attacking innocent people, Reinforcer Shinya Kogami's joy of having somebody who would stop him from murdering an innocent motivates her to work and get along with the Enforcers"

So Tsunemori's job is to attack innocent people? Kogami likes that she would restrain/stop him from murdering innocent people? The sentence structure is entirely bizarre and doesn't make sense, but this inversion of normal police activity deserves a mention for those of us unfamiliar with the work. It just stands out as unusual.

• " However, her calm demeaonor, acceptance of society and will to fight to against conflicts prevent her from becoming a latent criminal despite her traumatic experiences. "

This is another sentence which provokes confusion.

• "Akane and Kogami manage to arrest Makishima but the criminal soon escapes."

A comma after Makishima.

• "This causes Kogami to leave the force to hunt him alone deciding he cannot he rely on the Sybil System much to Akane's disappointment."

Weak sentence structure and awkward prose.

• "The members from the Sybil System are attracted by Akane's traits which results in her learning of their true nature as immortals as they want to use her to capture Makishima alive. Akane agrees only if she if they stop their orders of killing the defecting Kogami."

Still very awkward.

• "Despite her efforts, Kogami kills Makishima and Akane does not see him again."

Again.

• "Akane also appears in the printed adaptations of the series which include a manga where she is the titular character."

Can you expand on the faithfulness of the media? Any key differences? Either way, please state so.

• "Additionally, a novel expands on the ending and Akane starts having illusions of the people who died across the story."

I am sure that "illusions" here should be "hallucinations" or something similar.

• "As a result, she who would question the setting from the audience's point of view and have it explained to them."

Weak prose.

• In the lead this line is an issue - " Additionally, it was planned from early by the staff how Akane would mature throughout the story. Critical reception to Akane has been initially mixed."

The line doesn't read well and has poor grammar, but the second should drop "initially" because the first season is over and the second will not be starting until October. Instead, highlight this as being specific to the first season and indicate that the article is in a sense unfinished. While this might normally be a stability matter, it'll be 4-5 months before it needs true updating. I trust that you'll be doing that anyways. ChrisGualtieri (talk) 15:34, 4 August 2014 (UTC)

Thanks for the review. I tried fixing those sentences by focusing more on Akane.Tintor2 (talk) 19:03, 4 August 2014 (UTC)

I still think the prose is weak, and you changed "innocent people" to "potent criminals" - which is even more confusing for me. Exactly what do you mean with that sentence? The problem I have is that I cannot fix your prose without knowing the story and I cannot properly decipher, specifically, what the text actually means in many places. It is cryptic and just doesn't flow well with "The members from the Sybil System are attracted by Akane's traits which results in her learning of their true nature as immortals as they want to use her to capture Makishima alive." Not only do I have no idea what Sybil System is, but what of "Akane's traits" and "immortals"? Pages should be able to explain the general concepts and not be confusing. Pages are supposed to be self-contained and able to stand alone, but this has me quite perplexed. Much of the text needs to be rewritten to focus on the specifics and explain Akane Tsunemori's role in the story and part of the story itself to provide proper context for the reader's to understand. Its not much context that is needed, but right now it is confusing. ChrisGualtieri (talk) 12:20, 5 August 2014 (UTC)

I'm not a copyeditor so I suggest failing the review.Tintor2 (talk) 14:33, 5 August 2014 (UTC)

Fine, I hate to do it. Just let me know when you need it reviewed again. I can easily spot check it to verify if it meets the criteria. ChrisGualtieri (talk) 15:49, 5 August 2014 (UTC)