Talk:Albin K. Longren

GA Review

This review is transcluded from Talk:Albin K. Longren/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:38, 5 June 2016 (UTC)

Sorry it had to wait so long, I will post my review in a few days. Cheers, Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:38, 5 June 2016 (UTC)

Here are my comments: Sainsf (talk · contribs) 11:27, 5 June 2016 (UTC)

Lead

• Per WP: MOSLEAD, the lead should be a good two paragraphs long covering all the important points of the article
• his own self-constructed airplane "own" appears redundant

Rewrote the lead for an expanded overview of subject, and removed redundancy. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

Early life

• Though it is not necessary in short articles as this, the part of the article after the lead should begin with the full name of the person.
• To his great shock These are the words from the source? Just to keep off from WP:SYN.

Added full name to body's opening sentence. Removed phrase and reworded according to source. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

Aviation career

• Ereanius (known as "E.J.") Is his brother's nickname relevant here?

Probably not: removed. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

• 39 feet long with a 32-foot wingspan, and weighed 625 pounds You need to use Template:Convert here. I think the "|order=flip" parameter should be used so that the SI units come first. (Same for 200 feet, six miles, nineteen feet to a mere nine

Done. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

• World War One "First World War" is the term used in most articles.

Replaced. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

• fast, nimble, and good-looking How exactly "good-looking" and according to whom?

Replaced with another descriptor from source. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

Death and legacy

• Any specific cause behind his death?

I'm afraid no source yet reveals his cause of death, but I will add it in if I ever find it. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

• soon after its foundation Then we need to know when it was founded.

Done. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

• For the last para, I think the format "In the words of X (the author of the source you use, he/she should be someone credible, and mention their profession) ..." should be more proper. That tells the reader directly whose observation this is, and it does not appear as if we are the ones praising him. Just like we include positive and negative reviews and mention the critics by name. Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:57, 6 June 2016 (UTC)

Added this attribution. SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

I can't see where you did this. Sainsf (talk · contribs) 02:56, 8 June 2016 (UTC)

Sorry, I misunderstood which paragraph was meant. Added the intended attribution here. SteveStrummer (talk) 03:52, 8 June 2016 (UTC)

Thank you for taking on this review! I put in a reworked lead today for your evaluation. SteveStrummer (talk) 02:36, 6 June 2016 (UTC)

Thanks for your fast response, and writing such a beautiful article. I enjoyed reading it. Those are all my comments, these addressed I will be happy to promote this. Cheers, Sainsf (talk · contribs) 06:57, 6 June 2016 (UTC)

Thanks again for your review! SteveStrummer (talk) 21:13, 7 June 2016 (UTC)

Awesome. I am glad to promote this splendid work. Cheers! Sainsf (talk · contribs) 04:23, 8 June 2016 (UTC)