Talk:Alphonse Elric/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: DragonZero (talk · contribs) 00:36, 15 December 2013 (UTC)

Issues must be resolved. Suggestions can be ignored. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 00:36, 15 December 2013 (UTC)

Issues

• "revive his mother Trisha Elric using alchemy" Missing encasing commma.
• "becomes an alchemist from their country's" Vague.
  • "becomes an alchemist from the state military of their country, Amestris" Awkwardly worded
• "the Elrics are forced to keep working with the military by high-ranking officials who are secretly using their friends from their town of Resembool as hostages." Clarity
  • "However, after meeting their creator who is also controlling the military, "Father," the Elrics are ordered to keep working with them; the homunculi threaten to kill their friends from Resembool if they stand against them" The first their can be interpreted as the Elrics'. Reword it. It might work better as two sentences
    • Try... "They meet the homunculi's creator, Father, who secretly controls the military and blackmails the Elrics into working under him." Or something.
• "As the two are successful in their plan, Alphonse' armor starts rejecting his soul," So because it was a success, his armor starts to reject him?
  • "After the two are successful in their plan, Alphonse's original body tries to recover the soul resulting in him losing consciousness several times." Is the success of their plan somehow influencing Alphonse's soul?
• "father Van Hohenheim," encasing comma
• First anime section needs an introduction.
• "He appeared as the other protagonist's father searching for a way to recover their bodies." Confusing. What other protagonist?
• "Elrics brothers" Isn't it Elric brothers the correct plural?
• Was the voice actress really excited to voice the character due to its popularity? It didn't seem that way in the source.
• I don't think he was included in the Puti Puti Petit Moe series.
• You sure he ranked in 2005? I only see Edward Elric there.
• "The dynamic between the brothers was also well received." Seems like an incomplete sentence was thrown into the reception.
• "The brothers were also noted to develop" doesn't seem like reception
• "Lydia Hojnacki said Al's character "is an equally important character" after commenting on Edward. She said that despite their different personalities (she considered Al to be "Ed's yang"), the brothers maintain a close relationship" Looks more like an analysis rather than reception.
  • "Al's character "is an equally important character" after commenting on Edward as she considered Al to be "Ed's yang"" To Edward?
    • What I mean was, equally important... to who?
• "Monthly Shōdnen Gangan" the d.

Suggestions

• "enormous suit of armor" unnecessary adjective
• "Separated from Edward to assist his friends' escape from the military men serving father, Alphonse is captured by the homunculus Pride to use him against Edward." I suggest cutting off Pride's motif for being unnecessary and improving sentence flow.
• WP caps the ref names.
• Have consistent date formats with the ref
• Use Oricon for audio releases. 1 2

Hi, @DragonZero:, I and Tintor2 have tried to correct the issues you pointed. Can you check it? Gabriel Yuji (talk) 00:46, 20 December 2013 (UTC)

Updated. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 02:06, 20 December 2013 (UTC)

About the Puti Puti Petit Moe series, the source confirms it. The other issues will be addressed as soon as possible. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 03:27, 20 December 2013 (UTC)

Forget about Puti Puti. Gabriel Yuji (talk) 03:31, 20 December 2013 (UTC)

I updated this list on Dec 20 if this was missed. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 08:17, 23 December 2013 (UTC)

I'm in vacation. I'm sorry it will probably fail. Could @Tintor2: manage this GAR for me? Gabriel Yuji (talk) 17:07, 31 December 2013 (UTC)

How long? There are only simple clarifications left and I am willing to wait. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 08:52, 3 January 2014 (UTC)

I'm here. A bit lost. Which are the two issues?Tintor2 (talk) 03:26, 10 January 2014 (UTC)

Whoops, I forgot to cross off some other points. The only point left is "is an equally important character". The reviewer says that, but there is no context saying who he is equally important to (though it is followed up by saying "to the series"). I believe the idea is she was saying he is equally important to Edward. It might require writing the last sentence, second paragraph, of the reception. DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 09:59, 10 January 2014 (UTC)

Modified the sentence.Tintor2 (talk) 15:48, 10 January 2014 (UTC)

Decent enough. Passing DragonZero (Talk · Contribs) 00:15, 12 January 2014 (UTC)