Talk:Amadeus VI, Count of Savoy/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Calvin999 (talk · contribs) 11:00, 18 March 2015 (UTC)

Info box

• 2 died young → Two unnamed died in infancy (?)
• Include the age next to his date of death.

Lead

• Feels a bit sparse.
• Though he started under a regency → Although he became ruler under a regency,
• Europe politically and militarily. → Europe, both politically and militarily.
• He participated in a crusade against the Turks who were moving into Europe. → Okay?! Is that all?

Early years

• You don't need so many paragraphs. This could easily be just three paragraphs.
• Say when he was born and where.
• When his father died in 1343, Amadeus inherited the County of Savoy. → When his father, Aymon, Count of Savoy, died in 1343, Amadeus inherited the County of Savoy and became ruler.
• . Since → There's a double space here.
• his father's will left two cousins as co-regents: → two of his father's cousins, Amadeus III of Geneva and Louis II of Vaud, were appointed as co-regents until Amadeus reached maturity.
• . The two → Another double space (this is present in several proceeding sentences)
• The two agreed to a document limiting their power as regents. → They both signed a document stating that they had limited power as co-regents, that neither of them could implement a decision without the consent of the other, and that any decision they agreed upon would be subject to review by the resident council of nobles, which represented all bailis in the county.
• Each sentence aforementioned needs a citation at the end of i; apply this throughout the article.
• Shortly after Amadeus took the county, his cousin Joan of Savoy renewed her claim on the county of Savoy, that she was descended from Amadeus's uncle Edward, Count of Savoy, though her claim had previously been denied under Savoy's Semi-Salic tradition. → Shortly after assuming the position of Count, Amadeus's cousin, Joan of Savoy, renewed her claim on the county, stating that she was a descendant of his uncle Edward, Count of Savoy. However, this was previously denied under the Savoy Semi-Salic tradition.
• Though she died the following year, in her will she left the county to Philip, Duke of Orléans to spite her cousins. → Though she died the following year, she willed the county to Philip, Duke of Orléans to spite her cousins.
• In 1345, he negotiated a similar settlement to the one Joan reached with Aymon, yielding the claim in exchange for 5000 livres annually. → What settlement?
• Amadeus was educated both physically and mentally. → This makes no sense. You can't be educated physically and mentally.
• He enjoyed learning to fight and ride. → Fight what and ride what?
• Very short, quick sentences makes for very jilted reading. It's too harsh.
• He took vows to fast more often was healthy for him. The pope agreed, asking him instead to feed twelve of the poor weekly. → Doesn't make sense.
• several in northern Italy → who or what is several?
• The entire fourth paragraph is void of citations apart from the last sentence.
• Though the castellans → Who?
• quite a few were killed. → far too informal
• Link Chambéry
• in the castle → What castle?
• and the House of Visconti, rulers of Milan → and the Milanese rules, House of Visconti
• the last Dauphin de Viennois surrendered → Comma after Viennois
• At the time the new → Comma after time

Outcome

I haven't even got to the other sections, and I can find at least one fault with every sentence in the Early years section. It's not my responsibility to re-write the article for you. This is really under prepared, not very well written and poorly structured. I'm sorry but I'm failing this article.  — ₳aron 20:47, 18 April 2015 (UTC)

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.