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Talk:Back Up, Dancer/GA1

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Latest comment: 14 years ago by Peregrine Fisher in topic GA Review

GA Review

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Latest comment: 14 years ago18 comments2 people in discussion

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Reviewer: Peregrine Fisher (talk) 03:25, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

I've seen you reviewing a number of GAs, so I figured I'd support that by reviewing one of yours.

"but in order for him to be one her dancers" - Maybe "but in order to get the job"

"Since airing" doesn't sound right.

  • Removed.

According to Nielsen ratings should be According to Nielsen or According to Nielsen Media Research.

  • Done.

"and received an 8.7 rating, among viewers in the 18–49 demographic." - No comma needed.

  • Done.

Other than that, the lead looks good. - Peregrine Fisher (talk) 03:34, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

Why is BrightSurf.com a reliable source.

  • Removed.

Otherwise references look good. - Peregrine Fisher (talk) 03:48, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

Could you start the plot with something like "The episode begins with..." and end it with something like "The episode concludes with..." It helps to make it out of universe and ground it in the real world.

  • Hmmm, that's tricky. I've tried adding the "The episode begins" but the wording is not "there" for me.

'The two get "back together," ' - Why the quotes?

  • Only reason I added the quotes was because the two characters haven't seen each other in a long time, 'til now, and all of a sudden they get back together. Oh well. I've removed them, though.

"will not affect him in anyway" - Should be "any way", two words.

  • Done.

"only for her to reveal to Jack to let Artemus win the dance competition." - Needs to be reworded.

  • You have a suggestion?

- Peregrine Fisher (talk) 03:52, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

Thanks for the review, I appreciate it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:59, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

There are a number of sentences that have incorrect grammar of just need rewording in the Plot section. I'll list them here. Try and fix them youself, and I'll try and come up with something for any that you can't do.

"only for her to reveal to Jack to let Artemus win the dance competition."
I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 19:10, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply
"Before the dance-off, it is revealed that Artemus was Karen's (Megan Mullally), Jack's friend, former lover." - Two asides in row (parens then commas) is funky.
I think I got this.
'"back together,"' - Quotes are back? You might want to explain in the article what you explained to me if their getting back together is so important or whatever.
Huh, I thought I removed it. For sure this time.
"that the two reconciling will not affect him in any way" - "that their reconciliation will not affect him in any way"
Done.
The two "however"s in Plot are not needed. It will help get rid of commas, too.
Removed.
"Karen happy with the outcome is told by Artemus that he used her to win. " - Grammar.
I think I got it.
"Though, Jackson fires both Jack" - "Though" not needed.
Removed.
" Artemus after reconsidering that she only needs four dancers" - " Artemus after deciding that she only needs four dancers"
Done.
"but is to no avail." - "is" not needed.
Removed.
"and Vince's police lieutenant" - What does that mean? His boss or something?
Yeah.
"Grace calls him, which displeases Vince." - How about "displeasing Vince."?
Done.
"as she is too needy." - "because she is..."
Done.
"and that he very much cares for Vince" - "but he also cares for Vince"
Done.

There are too many commas in the Plot section. Break up sentences with a bunch of commas into two or more shorter sentences. - Peregrine Fisher (talk) 18:42, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

I think I got the comma problem. If not, please let me know. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 19:10, 18 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

I'ts looking pretty good.

I think the firs para in Plot has 17 commas, and the second has 12. Why don't you try and cut those numbers in half (at least).

"past mementos" - It would "mementos of the past" I think, but maybe you explain what's going on in a bit more detail. I haven't seen the ep, and I'm not clear exactly on how the mementos are stopping her.

  • Added "mementos of the past" has a better wording. TBH, I would rather not go into a whole bunch of detail. But, if you want me to I can add "Grace found Leo's shirts, her wedding video, her wearing her wedding veil, and wedding pictures". [1] --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:54, 19 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

If the Police guy is his boss, explain that. I didn't know Vince was a cop, so readers may not either.

The prose in the Production section looks good, except for too many commas. I'm using crl-F to look for commas, and the article lights up. You might try that. I don't know if that would help you or not.

"It was also announced that actor Will Arnett would guest star,[11] as Jack's dance rival." - Why is the ref not at the end of the sentence?

Other than that, Production looks good. I haven't read Reception yet, but you might try and cut the number of commas in half if you get a chance. - Peregrine Fisher (talk) 06:03, 19 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

OK, we're getting close to done. I removed a few commas by rewording. You might see if there are any others that can be removed in a similar fashion. I'll make another read through soon, and quite possibly pass it. - Peregrine Fisher (talk) 17:32, 19 February 2010 (UTC)Reply

I've passed it. Great job! - Peregrine Fisher (talk) 15:55, 20 February 2010 (UTC)Reply
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