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Talk:Battle of Battle Mountain/GA1

< Talk:Battle of Battle Mountain
Latest comment: 13 years ago by Anotherclown in topic GA Review

GA Review

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Latest comment: 13 years ago52 comments2 people in discussion
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Reviewer: Anotherclown (talk) 13:10, 27 December 2010 (UTC)Reply

Progression

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  • Version of the article when originally reviewed: [1]
  • Version of the article when review was closed: [2]

Technical review

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Initial comments

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  • all references require place of publishing to be added;
  • "but became dispersed out in the process"... probably reword to "but became dispersed in the process";
  • "US Colonel John L. Throckmorton" should just be changed to Colonel (please check for other examples of this)...;
  • "At 1200 on August 22", time format nexts to be changed to 12:00 per WP:MOSTIME (please also check for other examples of this);
  • This paragraph needs a modifier I think: "With Taejon captured, North Korean forces began surrounding the Pusan Perimeter from all sides in an attempt to envelop it. The 4th and 6th North Korean Infantry Divisions advanced south in a wide flanking maneuver. The two divisions attempted to penetrate the UN's left flank, but became dispersed out in the process. They advanced on UN positions with armor and superior numbers, repeatedly pushing back US and South Korean forces." Maybe just add 'Regardless' or something similar to the begining of the final sentence. i.e. "Regardles, they advanced on UN positions with armor and superior numbers, repeatedly pushing back US and South Korean forces."
  • You might consider rewording "planes" to "aircraft" as it doesn't seem to have the correct tone IMO (suggestion only);
  • "8 radios, 11 telephones, and 2 vehicles" don't forget figures under 10 should be written in full per WP:MOSNUM;
  • Not sure this sentence is grammatically correct: "The month of August ended with the fighting in the mountain's on the southern front, west of Masan, a stalemate.";
  • "During this stalemate, word came from the 25th Division for the 3rd Battalion, 27th Infantry to move to the vicinity of Masan. It was needed elsewhere." Elsewhere or at Masan?;
  • Detailed review to follow. Anotherclown (talk) 14:02, 27 December 2010 (UTC)Reply

Criteria

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  • It is reasonably well written.
    a (prose):   b (MoS):  
    • In the lead: "It was a part of the Battle of Pusan Perimeter, and was one of several large engagements fought simultaneously." Might be more simply worded: "It was one of several large engagements fought simultaneously during the part of the Battle of Pusan Perimeter." (suggestion only);
    • "but the US forces succeeded in their mission of preventing" might be better as "however the US forces" (suggestion only);
    • "The battle was also another example of poor performance of the US 24th Infantry, a de facto segregated unit." IMO this needs a little bit added to it as it relys on readers understanding that this unit had performed poorly during previous engagements. Maybe just add half a sentence on this.
    • This sentence doesn't really work for me (I know you have used it previously and I haven't brought it up so I apologise for this): "Following the June 25, 1950 outbreak of the Korean War after the invasion of the Republic of Korea (South Korea) by its northern neighbor, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea), the United Nations decided to commit troops to the conflict in support of South Korea." I think it might work better if it were reworded, perhaps like this: "Following the outbreak of the Korean War on June 25, 1950 as a result of the invasion of the Republic of Korea (South Korea) by its northern neighbor, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (North Korea), the United Nations decided to commit troops to the conflict in support of South Korea."
    • This sentence needs a modifier IMO: "The division was understrength, and most of its equipment was antiquated due to reductions in military spending." and could be reworded as such: "The division was understrength however, and most of its equipment was antiquated due to reductions in military spending."
    • You might consider linking both paragraphs in the "North Korean advance" section. IMO they a both fairly stubby and could be linked. (suggestion only);
    • The punctuation is a bit off in this sentence: "Eighth Army commander Lieutenant General Walton Walker then ordered the US 25th Infantry Division, under Major General William B. Kean to take up defensive positions on the Pusan Perimeter southern flank west of Masan." May need to add a few commas, something like this might be more appropriate: "The Eighth Army commander, Lieutenant General Walton Walker, then ordered the US 25th Infantry Division, under Major General William B. Kean to take up defensive positions on the Pusan Perimeter southern flank west of Masan."
    • These sentences should be linked with a modifier: "By August 15, the 25th Infantry Division had moved into these positions. Rough terrain west of Masan limited the choice of the positions." They are also a little repetitive (use of position twice);
    • Maybe wikilink "spur", some readers might not understand what one is (no need for an explaination in the article though IMO);
    • "Sibidang was an excellent observation point for the surrounding area" might be reworded as "Sibidang provided excellent observation of the surrounding area" seems more formal;
    • These sentences needs a modifier: "The 1st Battalion, 35th Infantry held the regiment's left flank west of Komam-ni, 2nd Battalion held the regimental right along the Nam River. 3rd Battalion, redesignated from the 1st Battalion, 29th Infantry, was in reserve on the road south of Chirwon from where it could move quickly to any part of the line." Something like: "The 1st Battalion, 35th Infantry held the regiment's left flank west of Komam-ni, and 2nd Battalion held the regimental right along the Nam River. Meanwhile 3rd Battalion, redesignated from the 1st Battalion, 29th Infantry, was in reserve on the road south of Chirwon from where it could move quickly to any part of the line."
    • I don't think you should start a sentence with 'this': "This high ground west of Haman on which the 24th Infantry established its defensive line was part of the Sobuk-san mountain mass."
    • "US troops also occasionally called it as "Napalm Hill," maybe just "US troops also occasionally called it "Napalm Hill,";
    • Multiple issues here: "Whichever side held the crest of Battle Mountain could see into the rear areas of the other. Both forces, seeing the advantages of holding the crest of Battle Mountain, fought relentlessly to capture it in a 6-week-long battle." Firstly the use of 'see' and 'seeing' is a little repetitive and '6' should be 'six' per WP:MOSNUM;
    • The first paragraph of the "Logistics section" needs to be reworded as there are numerous examples of figures not conforming to WP:MOSNUM;
    • This sentence is repetitive: "A medical aide was also needed to administer medical care during" (medical said twice);
    • "Opposing the US 24th Infantry at battle mountain", should battle mountain be capitalised?
    • There seems to be a missing word in this sentence: "A 1 mile (1.6 km) in the line north of P'il-bong existed in the 24th Infantry lines at the close of the day, and an unknown number of North Koreans were moving into it." Maybe a 1 mile 'gap' or 'hole'?;
    • "the NK 6th Division intensified its efforts to attack Battle Mouintain" efforts to attack or maybe efforts to capture?;
    • "then overrun by the enemy", maybe "overrun by the North Koreans" (to avoid any POV concerns);
    • "The patrol removed several intelligence documents from his body". 'Intelligence document' seems incorrect to me, a document can have intelligence value however unless it is an actual intelligence report this phrase seems wrong IMO.
    • "and 5 hours later B Company seized the highest ridges" 5 → five per WP:MOSNUM;
    • "but L Company was on top by 1200 on", per WP:MOSTIME this should be 12:00;
    • maybe wikilink platoon, company and battalion at first instance;
    • this sentence is repetitive: "mainly because the supporting fire of the supporting US mortars targeting" (supporting used twice);
    • "the battalion commander complained to Kean he needed more officers to keep the men in line" seems to be missing a word 'that', i.e. it should be reworded as "the battalion commander complained to Kean that he needed more officers to keep the men in line."
    • "and prevent them from forming" maybe "and prevented them";
    • is the capitalisation correct here "Bronze Star Medals"? Surely it should just be 'Bronze Stars' or 'Bronze Star medals';
    • The tense seems problematic in this sentence: "Supporting mortars would set up a base of fire and kept the heights under barrage until the infantry had arrived at a point just short of the crest." specifically 'would' (future tense) and 'kept' (past tense);
    • This sentence is problematic: "North Korean artillery and mortar fire fell on Battle Mountain, P'il-bong and Sobuk-san during the period of September 1–6 there were strong local attacks and patrols." Not sure exactly what it means as there appears to be a word missing, or some punctuation;
    • The tense here also seems problematic to me: "The US Navy soon entered the battle in this part of the line, its destroyers standing off the south coast gave illumination at night by directing their searchlights against low-hanging clouds on Sobuk-san. One destroyer was on station almost continuously, supporting the ground action with the fire of six 5-inch guns. An artillery aerial observer directed this naval gunfire through the fire direction center." specifically 'soon entered' (future tense) and 'gave' (past tense). 'One destroyer was one station' (past tense);
    • "It was needed elsewhere" doesn't work for me as its not a sentence, maybe include in the previous sentence?
    • This sentence seems problematic: "Then the NK 6th Division had withdrew from its positions on Sobuk-san" had withdrawn?
    • "Statistics compiled found the", compiled when? by whom?; and
    • "In late August, Kean began investigating the unit's behavior, finding its poor performance was starting to bring other units of the division down as well." Maybe reword to "In late August, Kean began investigating the unit's behavior and found that its poor performance was starting to bring other units of the division down as well."
  • It is factually accurate and verifiable.
    a (references):   b (citations to reliable sources):   c (OR):  
  • It is broad in its coverage.
    a (major aspects):   b (focused):  
  • It is stable.
    No edit wars etc.:  
  • It contains images, where possible, to illustrate the topic.
    a (tagged and captioned):   b (Is illustrated with appropriate images):   c (non-free images have fair use rationales):   d public domain pictures appropriately demonstrate why they are public domain':  
  • Overall:
    a Pass/Fail:  
    • IMO this article is very good, however there are a number of issues with the prose which need to be ironed out. Hopefully this will help to when you take it to ACR though. If you have any questions please let me know. Anotherclown (talk) 12:59, 28 December 2010 (UTC)Reply

Thank you very much for your review! I'm not at a place with a consistant internet connection but I will be able to get to this review when I get back Saturday. —Ed!(talk) 17:24, 28 December 2010 (UTC)Reply

Thats fine Ed, no rush. Cheers for letting me know. Anotherclown (talk) 01:41, 29 December 2010 (UTC)Reply
Thanks for the patience. I have completed the review and responded to everything you noted. —Ed!(talk) 05:37, 6 January 2011 (UTC)Reply
Hi Ed. There is still a couple of Dab links as listed above. Can you please get those as well? Cheers. Anotherclown (talk) 09:19, 6 January 2011 (UTC)Reply
Got these now. Happy to promote to GA. Well done. Anotherclown (talk) 11:30, 7 January 2011 (UTC)Reply
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