Talk:C. Edmund Kells

GA Review

This review is transcluded from Talk:C. Edmund Kells/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: AryKun (talk · contribs) 08:12, 2 September 2021 (UTC)

Pretty comprehensive article, but the prose could be tightened up a bit. Here's What I've got so far. AryKun (talk) 08:35, 2 September 2021 (UTC)

• "cancer was spreading up his" → "cancer has started spreading up his"
  • Thanks for the review. In this case, I don't like started because it had most likely started much earlier than that (though we don't know for sure). Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• "Kells fatally shot himself" → The phrasing is a bit odd, "committed suicide" sounds better
  • I would be open to other phrasing, but I'd like to avoid suicide if possible. There's a long-running debate about the potentially offensive nature of “committed”, while the proposed alternative ("died by suicide”) has never sounded quite right to me. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• "Born in New Orleans on October 21, 1856, Kells was the son of" → "Born in New Orleans on October 21, 1856 to"
  • I prefer the original since it retains the subject of the sentence. Will try to tweak the wording if I can better understand the objection. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• " Achsah (née Cook)" → "Achsah Kells (née Cook)"
  • This is a fairly common way of delineating the names of parents on WP and saves us from redundancy. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• You should probably add a bit about when in Kells' life the Civil War occurred (i.e. what age he was when it happened) before the part about his memories of the Civil War.
  • The source doesn't specify. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• "so he missed" → "and consequently missed"
  • I'd prefer to keep the shorter construction here, but again, I'll reword if there's a specific issue with the original. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• "The governor was restored to power after three days, but Kells later" → "Although the governor was restored to power after three days, Kells later"
  • Done. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• Wikilink New York College of Dentistry.
  • Done. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• "and while he was in New York, he often visited the laboratory of Thomas Edison in Menlo Park, New Jersey." → "And often visited Thomas Edison's laboratory at Menlo Park while he was in New York."
  • I felt like switching the clauses around could introduce confusion (about who was in New York - Kells or Edison), but I did change "laboratory of Thomas Edison" to "Thomas Edison's laboratory". Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)
• "Returning to New Orleans" → "After returning to New Orleans"
• "made it so that women could" → "allowed women to"
• "Wilhelm Röntgen discovered X-rays in 1895, and Kells" → "After the discovery of X-rays in 1895, Kells" Also, wiki link X-rays.
• "aspirate fluid or irrigate a body" → either wiki link aspirate and irrigate or explain what they mean.
• "treatments, and he refused" → "treatments, and his refusal"
• "X-rays to attempt to justify" → "X-rays to justify"
• "dentistry but included" → "dentistry, but also included"
• Are the costs of his houses and plots really relevant in the personal life section? Feels like WP:TRIVIA.
• Everything else seems fine with the article. AryKun (talk) 06:36, 13 September 2021 (UTC)
• Hey, @Larry Hockett:, will you be finishing up the rest of the suggestions? AryKun (talk) 09:31, 21 September 2021 (UTC)

Ah, sorry about that. I did not notice the rest of the feedback. My home internet has been down, so I'm mostly doing vandalism patrolling from my phone. I'll try to get somewhere with a connection this week where I can knock out the rest of the feedback. Thanks for the message. Larry Hockett (Talk) 20:40, 21 September 2021 (UTC)

AryKun, apologies for the delay. I think I've addressed the feedback above. I did remove the costs of the house and the lot. Thanks for the review. Let me know if I can address anything else. Larry Hockett (Talk) 00:50, 23 September 2021 (UTC)

Everything else is all good, so I'll be passing the article. AryKun (talk) 16:07, 26 September 2021 (UTC)