Talk:Curtis Granderson/GA1

GA Review

Latest comment: 12 years ago6 comments2 people in discussion

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Reviewer: Aircorn (talk · contribs) 11:21, 15 January 2012 (UTC)Reply

I will review this properly over the next few days. Some initial observations

The lead looks very short and could do with some expansion
The prose is a bit bland in places. The Early Years section is very stilted (the sentences are all very short and most start with Granderson this, Granderson that). Many could be combined to make the flow much better. For example the first sentence could read

"Granderson grew up in Lynwood, Illinois, a city south of Chicago, and attended Thornton Fractional South High School (T.F. South). His father, Curtis Sr., was a dean and physical education teacher at Nathan Hale Elementary and Middle School in Chicago and his mother, Mary, taught chemistry at Curie Metropolitan High School in Chicago. Granderson's half-sister [mothers or fathers side], Monica, is an English professor at Jackson State University. While attending T.F. South he batted .369 with 11 home runs and 88 runs batted in (RBI), and was named an All-State selection his senior year. Granderson #14 jersey, chosen because his father wore it while playing softball, was retired by T.F. South in a December 2011 ceremony.[Why retired?] Granderson also played basketball at T.F. South.[Relevance?]

Response(s)

Thanks for starting this review. I'll take a look at these comments today and start working on prose. – Muboshgu (talk) 16:09, 17 January 2012 (UTC)Reply

I've expanded the lead a little bit, but I will keep expanding it.
I'm not sure if I like the suggested edit to the prose in the "Early years" section. I've structured it so that the first paragraph is about his family, while the second is about his high school athletic career. The paragraphs are short, but I don't think that is in opposition to criteria 1a. I'll think about it more.
- The paragraphs length does not concern me too much, it is more the sentence lengths and repetitive nature of the sentences. It read a bit too much like "Bob is 40. Bob has blue eyes. Bob likes beer." Obviously that is an extreme example. Although grammatically correct this falls below my expectation of (1a) reasonably well written. It should be relatively easy to fix "Bob is 40 years old, has blue eyes and likes to drink beer". There is no obligation at all to use my suggested change to the prose, it was more meant as an example of how I felt it could be improved. AIRcorn (talk) 23:34, 17 January 2012 (UTC)Reply
  - I understand. I am mindful to try to follow a reviewer's comments to a T, if possible, hence my reply. I've worked on the prose some in the last few days, and it hopefully passes 1a. – Muboshgu (talk) 02:30, 20 January 2012 (UTC)Reply
    - Please don't follow me to the T. I know virtually nothing about baseball and most certainly am not an expert on writing or researching articles. If you disagree with anything I say here let me know; I may disagree back but I will be reasonable. I forgot to put this at the top, but I see this process as a collaborative effort. I will give this a full review over the weekend. AIRcorn (talk) 07:48, 20 January 2012 (UTC)Reply
    - Okay, I will let you know if I have a differing opinion on anything. I'm programmed based on my profession to defer to reviewers; on Wikipedia it is different. I'll start responding to specifics soon. – Muboshgu (talk) 03:33, 27 January 2012 (UTC)Reply
Sources say that Monica is his step-sister, but they do not clarify the relationship any further.
I agree that the basketball reference in the HS paragraph seems irrelevant, so I restructured it. That he played basketball is relevant to Granderson, as he initially preferred it to baseball and chose to attend UIC specifically so that he could play basketball as well.
A team retiring a players' uniform number is a high honor bestowed onto a successful player. I improved the prose to reflect that.

Criteria

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
Some relatively minor concerns with the way sentences tie together. They are most noticeable in the first few paragraphs in each sentence, which leads me to believe you have the skills to write more flowing text. There is also a lot of "Granderson this" "Granderson that" throughout, which while not great is acceptable for GA standard and understandable in these types of articles. The only time it really becomes a problem is when there are a few short sentences like this close together.A few one or two sentence paragraphs that would benefit from being worked into other paragraphs are also sprinkled throughout.
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
Checked one or two and they were fine. Will delve into this a bit more on my second read through.

Spotchecks turn out fine
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
Nothing stood out as being missing and it all appears to be on-topic
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
All images are from flickr and have been approved by a bot or administrator
Overall:
Pass/Fail:
Prose has improved and all issues addressed. Lead is probably still a bit light, but good enough to pass.

Comments

Non-baseball watcher, non-American here. This will mean that if I can understand what is being written then anyone can, but it will also mean that some things you might take for granted will confuse me. I will ask questions if I get lost at any point. It doesn't necessarily mean you need to change that, but if you could reword or add to it easily to make it more understandable for me that could help.

Granderson was named Second-Team All-American by Baseball America and USA Today's Baseball Weekly and a Third-Team Louisville Slugger NCAA Division I All-American. Second team and third team I assume means that if all the college players were available for selection then he would be picked in the B and C team respectively. No need to change if this is the case. All American can be worked out by following the link, but I don't know what is meant by Louisville Slugger or NCAA Division I. Which is a higher honour? Which is the more prestigious?
- First team is the best, second team is next, third comes next. They pick one person per position per team. I added a link to "Division I", which is the highest level of play in college sports.
First sentence in the Minor leagues section says he was selected by the Detroit Tigers, then the second talks about him playing for the Oneonta Tigers. So Detroit selected him, but didn't play him and he instead played for Oneonta? Is that how the minor league system works? Either way the link between the sentences is a bit abrupt. Same with the In 2003, he played for the Class-A Advanced Lakeland Tigers. With the Class-AA Erie Seawolves in 2004, Granderson hit .303 with 21 home runs and 93 RBI sentences.
- I wasn't clear there. When amateurs are taken in an MLB draft, they are assigned by the orgainzation to the minor leagues in almost every case. This is the entire list of MLB players who made their professional debuts in MLB. Minor league baseball works in a hierarchy: Class A is below Class A Advanced, which is below Class AA, which is below Class AAA, the highest of the minor league levels.
Determined to complete his college education, Granderson made arrangements to begin his senior year via internet courses, as the fall semester began before the minor league season ended This sentence is slightly ungrammatical and ambiguous with the double commas. I get the meaning, but had to read it a few times. Could it be re-arranged slightly?
- Rearranged.
The last paragraph is good. Maybe a similar structure could be applied to the first two (i.e something along the lines of this sentence Granderson competed for the role as the Tigers' starting center fielder in 2005 spring training, but the organization decided he needed more seasoning, and assigned him to the Class-AAA Toledo Mud Hens.).
- Thanks. I hope what I just did is better.
The Tigers again promoted Granderson to the majors in July 2005 This follows section talking about him being promoted. If he was promoted again to the same level then he must have been demoted at some point, yet this is not mentioned.
- The previous promotion was mentioned in the previous paragraph. I merged the paragraphs and rewrote it for clarity.
He became the sixth member all-time of baseball's 20–20–20 club on September 7 Should it be baseball's all-time 20-20-20 club?
- Corrected to He became the sixth member of baseball's 20–20–20 club on September 7
Granderson became the twelfth player to hit a home run in his first Yankee at bat on April 4, 2010. Grammar
- Done
...struggling against right handed pitchers in addition to lefties Did he always struggle against lefthanded pitchers? If so I don't recall reading that earlier in the article.
- He always did, but you're right that it wasn't mentioned at all before that. I rewrote that sentence for clarity.
Granderson received over 6,600,000 million That is out by million.
- Good catch, fixed
As a child, Granderson grew up a fan of the Atlanta Braves. He rushed home from school to watch Saved by the Bell and was disappointed when a Chicago Cubs game was on instead. These two sentences do not tie together.
- Better explained

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