Talk:Death of Jairo Mora Sandoval/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: ComputerJA (talk · contribs) 18:19, 4 July 2013 (UTC)

Review

• Hi, I'll be reviewing this article. The review will consist of two parts: in the first part, I'll be posting my concerns regarding grammatical/spelling mistakes. On the second part, I'll be reviewing sources individually and checking if everything that is in the article is cited accordingly. I'll also copyedit stuff on my own. Anyways, the article looks very good; thanks for writing such an interesting article! ComputerJA (☎ • ✎) 18:19, 4 July 2013 (UTC)

Review part 1

I think the article is pretty good overall. My biggest concern is the extensive use of quotes, but that can easily be fixed. I did some minor copyediting as I went along; please go back and check if you disagree with any of my changes or if I inadvertently made a mistake. As I mentioned above, this is my first part of the review. I'll be reviewing the sources individually now. Below are my concerns. Thanks for your work on the article! ComputerJA (☎ • ✎) 23:52, 4 July 2013 (UTC)

Copy editing looks good --ThaddeusB (talk) 05:13, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

Intro

• The egg trade has been linked to illegal drug trafficking and violence. – It should be drug trafficking instead of illegal drug trafficking. It is implied to be illegal already. [1] Now, though violence is often a natural aspect of the global drug trade, I think replacing it with "organized crime" gives a better scope surrounding Jairo's death.

• I think the intro should be expanded with information from the Death section. Maybe by adding his abduction by masked gunmen and his corpse found in the morning. The cause of death is also important.

  Both excellent suggestions. Let me know what you think of expanded lead. --ThaddeusB (talk) 05:13, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

Death

• …was attacked by at least five masked men carrying guns – I assume it should be ambushed instead of attack, considering that he was not killed at the scene?

• "The goal of the police patrols was less about protecting volunteers and more about increasing the number of eyes and ears on the beach," said Calderón. "It’s a large area of 18 kilometres (11 mi) and it’s completely dark. There is no way to monitor every part of it at all times." – Using direct quotes is fine, but I think that they should be use with caution and in special cases. They should be used when there is pretty much no other way to explain what is said without using the quote. Consider paraphrasing.

  Ambushed is indeed better. I have paraphrased the quote, as per your suggestion. I originally used a quote b/c I wanted the police chief to be able to answer the criticism (i.e. that the murder was their fault) in his own words. However, nothing was lost by paraphrasing, so I'm fine with it. --ThaddeusB (talk) 05:13, 6 July 2013 (UTC)

Reaction

• "There are several drug dealers who are known to authorities and who need the beach totally deserted," he said. Given Mora's recent calls for police help, "it seems like it was an act of revenge," he added. – Since a quote was already used in the previous sentence, please consider paraphrasing.

• Overall, I think the Reaction and Aftermath sections need a quote clean-up. Too many quotes make articles incompatible with an encyclopedic writing style per WP:LONGQUOTE.

  I paraphrased some of the quotes, removed a couple that added little, and left a few. Let me know what you think now. --ThaddeusB (talk) 03:17, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

Aftermath

• Some quotes need to be paraphrased. I will leave that to your own criteria.

• He said he had received cancellations that specifically cited Mora's death as a factor – Aurora is a she, as far as I know.

  Paraphrased and fixed. --ThaddeusB (talk) 03:17, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

Review part 2

Below are my concerns for the sources. Thanks! ComputerJA (☎ • ✎) 02:05, 5 July 2013 (UTC)

Background

• The country takes pride in its natural beauty – It has close-paraphrasing issues. Consider revising.

  Fixed

• A poacher can make up to $300 in one night – This is not found in the source.

  Fixed (source had been misplaced during editing)

• Organized poaching efforts in Costa Rica have risen in the 2010s – Just a question: Sources say that there were other incidents in 2012, but how does that prove that it has risen since 2010s? It is also possible that organized poaching existed at the same rate but was rarely reported. I might have missed the information, though, so please correct me if I am wrong.

  This may have been a slight synthesis on my part. I reworded it in a way that is directly supported by sources. --ThaddeusB (talk) 04:51, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

Life and career of Jairo Mora

• then smashed or stole a total 1520 sea turtle eggs – The Independent mentions that that they raided the place, while the other source says that gunmen stole them. Considering fixing to stole only.

  Added source to support "smashed" --ThaddeusB (talk) 04:51, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

Death

• Two of the men drove off with Mora – Source 8 says three did.

  Good catch. I'm not sure if the source was updated or I misread it the first time, but either way the article has been fixed.

• For source 8, 10, and 15, please add the publishers.

  Done --ThaddeusB (talk) 04:51, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

General comments

• I added some new material today (mostly on latest MINAE meeting, but also a few other details), so please check new stuff. (Don't worry about the ref #s changing above, I'll figure it out.) --ThaddeusB (talk) 05:17, 6 July 2013 (UTC)
• Thank you for the very through review. I am confident that the article improved as a result of your attention to detail. Please review my exchanges and the new additions and let me know if any concerns remain. --ThaddeusB (talk) 04:51, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

Thank you for sticking through and for the interesting article. I'll give the article a full read in the afternoon just in case I missed a thing or two (if it's something minor, I'll correct it myself). Everything looks good for promotion, though. Cheers, ComputerJA (☎ • ✎) 09:57, 7 July 2013 (UTC)

• Article passes! Thanks for your work on it! ComputerJA (☎ • ✎) 02:49, 8 July 2013 (UTC)