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Talk:Evan Turner/GA1

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Latest comment: 15 years ago by Noble Story in topic Evan Turner GA Review

Evan Turner GA Review

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Latest comment: 15 years ago34 comments2 people in discussion

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Review 1

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Lead

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He was born in Chicago, Illinois.

This doesn’t need a separate sentence; it can go right beside his birth date.

He has officially decided to return for his junior season in 2009-10.

This needs to be put in chronologically, if at all, in the lead.

Turner attended St. Joseph High School in Westchester, a Chicago suburb. In high school, he was overshadowed at first by teammate Demetri McCamey and then later by fellow Chicagoland basketball star Derrick Rose.

How about: “Turner attended St. Joseph High School in Westchester, where he overshadowed at first by teammate Demetri McCamey and then later by fellow Chicagoland basketball star Derrick Rose. Also please use something other than the very obscure and informal “Chicagoland”.

You go right on from his being overshadowed, to college. Nothing about his HS career, his recruitment, and all that?

‘‘He was also selected as a member of the 2009 Big Ten Conference Men's Basketball Tournament team.

I think it should “All-2009 Big Ten...”

Youth career

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The section should be renamed; most people would say he’s still a “youth”.

Turner was a star on the 2002-03 Gwendolyn Brooks Middle School's varsity boys basketball that team finished the 2002-03 season with a record of 23-2.

“boys basketball that team” is ungrammatical.

During summer 2004, he played in the 2004 AAU Boys 15-under Basketball National Championship Tournament for the Illinois Knights.

Should be “summer of 2004”. You also repeat 2004 twice. And, no word on the actual results of the team?

I find nothing in MOS indicating either way, although I personally thinking "summer of" is the correct way. However, WP:SEASON says "neutral wording may be preferable (in early 1990, in the second quarter of 2003, around September)." A good idea would be to follow that. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 13:46, 18 April 2009 (UTC)Reply
For the format of the modification that I used, I think it is correct as I have changed it because summer is modifying the camp name. Upon your review, let me know if you disagree.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 13:52, 18 April 2009 (UTC)Reply

As a high school sophomore, he helped lead a St. Josephs run in the Illinois AA Boys High School basketball tournament

You need to say something about his enrolling in HS, so readers know what St. Joseph’s is.

At the beginning of his junior season, Chicago Tribune named him to a top Chicago metropolitan area basketball list,

What kind of list? Player list?

‘‘The team went to the state sectional final before its season ended.

The team went to the section finals, and then what? They lost? You should elaborate.

At the conclusion of the season, he committed to Ohio State.

You already say “at the end of season”, so maybe “during the summer of 2005” or whatever.

Turner's father, James Turner, lived in Columbus, Ohio and Turner had visited him every summer since he was ten years old.

The connection between him going to OSU and his father needs to be clearer. Like, did his dad actually influence him, talk directly to him about it? As it is, the sentence looks like it has nothing all to do with the preceding sentences.

During his senior season, his team was listed second to Rose's Simeon in the preseason Tribune rankings.

Second in state? Country? Also, it should be “Simeon High School” or whatever the full name is.

OK, then about the scouting box. Can you tell me how much it adds that isn’t already there, or couldn’t be conveyed better in plain text, not a table?

College career

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As a freshman, he helped Ohio State win the 2008 National Invitation Tournament by totalling 37 points, 14 rebounds, 9 assists and 6 steals in the tournament's semifinal and final round at Madison Square Garden.

Why not just say “semifinal and final”? Also, maybe you just do averages, as “totalling” can be a bit confusing.

Also, what about his freshman season averages? How did he help OSU in the season, and what were their final results? The coverage of his freshmen to sophomore seasons is very disproportionate.

Turner is currently a sophomore guard/forward for the Ohio State Buckeyes men's basketball team of the Big Ten Conference.

I don’t think this is needed, it really interrupts the flow. The reader can also infer this pretty easily anyway.

as a sophomore, he was the only person chosen as a unanimous first-team All Big Ten selection by both the coaches and the media at the end of the regular season.

Try: “he was the only sophomore chosen...”

based on voting from its national membership.

Isn’t this assumed anyway?

On March 15, he was selected to the 2009 Big Ten Conference Men's Basketball Tournament team although Ohio State was runner up to Purdue.

Try: “despite Ohio State losing in the final to Purdue.”

Turner led the Big Ten in scoring as a sophomore.

This is very isolated, couldn’t you combine somewhere else?

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 08:59, 18 April 2009 (UTC)Reply

Review 2

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...it ranked St. Josephs was ranked...

This is ungrammatical.

As a sophomore guard/forward for the Ohio State Buckeyes

You repeat sophomore.

Noble Story (talk • contributions) 12:06, 19 April 2009 (UTC)Reply

OK, it looks like a pass. Noble Story (talk • contributions) 06:00, 22 April 2009 (UTC)Reply
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