Talk:Final Fantasy XV: The Dawn of the Future/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Shooterwalker (talk · contribs) 18:30, 10 November 2022 (UTC)

• Ready to take on another one of these. More comments coming soon. Shooterwalker (talk) 18:30, 10 November 2022 (UTC)

• Lead

• The very first sentence runs on quite a bit. Is it possible to pull a part or two into the next sentence?
• Same thing with the first sentence of the second paragraph – with the long aside between the hyphens –. Maybe have a sentence introducing the characters, a second sentence introducing the plot (or vice versa)?
• "The novel's narrative was originally planned as a downloadable content tetralogy for release through 2019, but due to internal restructures and the departure of project leader Hajime Tabata, only the first part Episode Ardyn was completed. " -> "The novel's narrative was originally planned as episodic content Final Fantasy XV in 2019, but only the first episode was completed due to the departure of key staff such as project leader Hajime Tabata."
• "but its thematic changes from the game saw negative reactions." -> "but criticized the changes in tone from the game's original story."
• It would be helpful to note what the change in tone was. It seems like the game was meant to be more dark, while this was supposed to provide an alternative happier ending?

• Background

• I'm big on stating the obvious in the first sentence and giving the most basic context. Even something as simple as "Final Fantasy XV: The Dawn of the Future was originally planned as downloadable content for the role-playing game Final Fantasy XV." (full stop.) Then get into detail.
• "as a final closure to the game's universe, tying up loose ends in the narrative and lore." -> "to provide closure to the game's story and lore."
• "was being handled" -> "was handled". (or if you want to imply that they did not follow through the development, say "At the time...")
• "game's original director and later producer" -> is it ok to say "the game's director and producer", or would that be inaccurate?
  • He was director of XV, and producer of its post-release content, so removing the "later" would make it an inaccurate statement.
• "At the time of cancellation, Episode Ardyn was almost complete, the scenario for Episode Aranea was finalised, the narrative of Episode Luna was almost finished, and Episode Noctis was still in the drafting stage." -> is it important to detail the status of every episode, or can we just say "Episode Adryn was almost complete, while the other episodes were in various states of drafting."
• "and discussions as to whether the public should be told. It was eventually decided to announce their cancellation publicly" -> "After internal discussions about what to tell the public, they finally announced that the remaining episodes were cancelled."
• "Square Enix were looking into " -> "Square Enix looked into"
• "The novel was written by Emi Nagashima (under the pen name Jun Eishima), who had written supplementary materials for Final Fantasy XIII and Nier Automata, based on materials provided by the Final Fantasy XV development team" -> "Author Emi Nagashima was selected for the project, due to their experience writing supplementary materials for Final Fantasy XIII and Nier Automata. Writing under the pen name Jun Eishima, Nagashima based the novel on materials from the Final Fantasy XV development team."
  • Did something equivalent, there's nothing in the sources about why Nagashima was hired, only confirmation that she'd worked with them before.

That should be a good start. Thanks for working on this. Shooterwalker (talk) 16:59, 11 November 2022 (UTC)

@Shooterwalker: Done what was mentioned above I think, with the two exceptions/altered bits. --ProtoDrake (talk) 17:29, 11 November 2022 (UTC)

Let's keep going.

• Plot

• " In the midst of a war between the Niflheim empire and the free kingdom of Lucis over control of the magical Crystal, a plague called the Starscourge is spreading over Eos, turning native life into Daemons and lengthening the nights." -> this one runs on a bit. Maybe break it into two sentences?
• "a figure called the True King will cleanse Eos by uniting the power of the Astrals and the Crystal at the cost of his life" -> "a figure called the True King will sacrifice himself to cleanse Eos, by uniting the power of the Astrals and the Crystal."
• "They are..." -> This is sort of a sentence fragment that turns into a run on sentence. It might be better to just have individual sentences for each character, for readability.
• "the original narrative" -> "the original game narrative"
• "accept the Astral Bahamut's decree on his fate" -> you say fate twice close together here. Maybe it's time just say what that decree was?
• "An attack he stages in Insomnia is stalled by Bahamut," -> "Bahamut blocks him as he attempts an attack in Insomnia"
• "Ardyn rebels," -> "Ardyn resists," (?)
• "The scene changes to before the intended final battle" -> this is odd phrasing. Maybe "The episode ends before the final battle" ?
• "reminiscing" -> "lamenting"
• "before deciding to help save as many as possible in Gralea and neighbouring Tenebrae" -> "before trying to save lives in Gralea and neighbouring Tenebrae."
• "she is entrusted by the Niflheim soldier Loqi Tummelt with escorting a young girl to safety" -> "the Niflheim soldier Logi Tummelt asks her to escort a young girl to safety."
• "takes down" -> "defeats"
• "Lunafreya, having sacrificed herself to further Noctis's journey, is revived by Bahamut in a tomb on the Niflheim continent, meeting Solara while running from Daemons" -> this runs on with a lot of commas. Try a rephrase, and maybe even breaking it into two sentences.
• "Lunafreya begins to question her mission through Solara's critical view of the Astrals," -> are you trying to say that Solara's criticism influences her?
• "Lunafreya fails to win Ardyn over, but manages to purge Ifrit of the Starscourge and forge a Covenant with him, but doing this overwhelms her. " -> all the commas makes this one choppy. Rephrase / break apart?
• "When Noctis arrives, he is forced to fight her Daemonic form, then sees Bahamut use her darkness to begin charging Teraflare." -> struggling to understand who is doing what to who
• "ritual in his place, then with the aid of his friends Noctis frees Lunafreya" -> "ritual in his place. With the aid of his friends, Noctis frees Lunafreya..."
• "and destroys Bahamut's spiritual form before his spirit fades" -> "and destroying Bahamut's spiritual form."
• The story section has a lot of proper nouns and magical concepts. It's a hard read but I'm hoping this first pass will help.

Publication

• "It released both" -> "It was published"
• "sold through Square Enix's stores" -> dropping this would make the sentence flow better and probably won't lose much information
• "demand outstripped the supplies Square Enix prepared" -> "Square Enix ran out of inventory due to popular demand"
• "An English version of the novel was confirmed as being in production in early 2019" -> "Work on an English translation was confirmed in early 2019."
• "The novel's planned English was June 23, 2020 through Square Enix Books & Manga, " -> "The English version of the novel was announced for June 23, 2020 through Square Enix Books & Manga,"
• "while the digital version was still planned for release on the original date" -> "while the digital version was still released on the original date" (I'm guessing it came out)
• "James Beckett of Anime News Network was critical of the early chapters due to the writing of their multiple fight scenes, but lauded the narratives of Lunafreya and Noctis as superior to the game and a fine send-off for them despite there being too many plot elements for a comfortable resolution in the final chapter" -> "James Beckett of Anime News Network was critical of how the fight scenes and resolution were written, but still lauded the narratives of Lunafreya and Noctis as superior to the game."
• "it could be enjoyable for series" -> "the novel could be enjoyable for Final Fantasy fans"
• "Both Anime UK and Triezenberg faulted the thematic changes compared to the content of Final Fantasy XV, drawing comparisons between the theme of sacrifice from the game, and themes of defying fate from Fabula Nova Crystallis Final Fantasy which Final Fantasy XV formed a part of" -> this one is pretty long too and might benefit from a more focused summary.

Let's work through that. We will probably need one more good pass, but I'm confident this can get to GA with some work and patience. Shooterwalker (talk) 04:05, 14 November 2022 (UTC)

@Shooterwalker: I think I've dealt with the stuff you raised. I tried condensing some bits of the plot a little further, and I removed the "Terraflare" bits as they weren't essential. Also realised I hadn't introduced either Insomnia or the Great War of Old before mentioning them, so did that. Sorry about the proper nouns and detail dumps, but I couldn't get it to work any other way. Doesn't help that a chunk of the game's backstory isn't explained at all, so it's like trying to make a late-stage MCU film understandable to a newcomer. --ProtoDrake (talk) 09:02, 14 November 2022 (UTC)

Thanks for your work on this, and I can see how the plot is just hard to begin with. I think one more pass should do it.

• Lead

• Nothing to add. Great work.

• Background

• "universe and story" -> "story and universe" (easier to understand closure to a story)
• "planned scenario" -> "planned story"
• "scrapped content" -> "unfinished content"
• "Author Emi Nagashima had previously written" -> "Square hired the author Emi Nagashima, who had previously written"
• "based the novel on materials from the Final Fantasy XV development team.[14][15] Osanai gave his original draft to Nagashima to work from" -> "based the novel on materials from the Final Fantasy XV development team,[14][15] including an original draft from Osanai."

• Plot

• "Additionally a plague" -> "Additionally, a plague"
• "canon option was for Ardyn to accept Bahamut's decree" -> maybe clarify that the novel is non-canon then? One more sentence would explain this. Also, this might make more sense in the development section, rather than the plot or setting.
• "Ardyn Lucis Caelum is a healer" -> "Ardyn Lucis Caelum is the Chancellor of Niflheim, and a healer..." (recap)
• "appeal" -> what does this mean? Does he try to talk to the crystal, or is it more of an unspoken connection?
• "and after being tortured and returned to Angelgard by Bahamut vows to destroy" -> "and after being tortured and returned to Angelgard by Bahamut, he vows to destroy"
• "During his ten slumber" -> ten year slumber maybe?
• "Lunafreya fails to convince Ardyn" -> convince of what?
• This is honestly still a hard read, but it is significantly better than before. Thanks for working on this.

• Publication

• The reception should probably be a full heading and not a subheading.
• "The novel's planned English" -> i think a word is missing here
• "reading of events" -> "reading events"

That should get us all the way there hopefully. Let's keep going. Shooterwalker (talk) 01:32, 15 November 2022 (UTC)

@Shooterwalker: I think I got everything. One thing, the recap would've been inaccurate since Niflheim didn't exist when Ardyn's story begins, so I tried rephrasing it. --ProtoDrake (talk) 09:54, 15 November 2022 (UTC)

• There are a few minor issues. Hope it's not too much of a pain.

• "storu" -> "story"
• "was settled on by March 2018" -> "was completed by March 2018"
• "which is overseen by a divine race called the Astrals and populated by humans." -> "where humans are overseen by a divine race called the Astrals."
• "Ardyn's appeal to the Crystal is repulsed due to the Starscourge in his body" -> still having trouble understanding what is happening here.
• "Insomnia" -> since this is the first time you're mentioning this proper noun, maybe give it some context. (e.g: city of Insomnia)
• "Gralea" -> same idea

Re-reading the plot, I think it's generally reading pretty well. But not sure how much of that is just learning more each time I read. Either way, this should be enough to get you to GA status. Thanks for your work on this. Shooterwalker (talk) 01:53, 16 November 2022 (UTC)

@Shooterwalker: Did my best with these hopefully final points. And don't be too concerned about it being confusing after this. This is a plot which requires the reader to know...a game, a movie, an ONA, four DLC episodes, several post-game additions, a multiplayer story campaign, and supplementary lore scattered across various books. On top of about two thirds of XV's planned scenario being cut. I'm not surprised it's hard to understand in a vacuum. --ProtoDrake (talk) 09:32, 16 November 2022 (UTC)

Thanks again for your patience and hard work. Happy to give this a pass. Shooterwalker (talk) 15:52, 16 November 2022 (UTC)