Talk:Hayden Epstein/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Johanna (talk · contribs) 15:57, 3 April 2016 (UTC)

Second on my "to review" list. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 15:57, 3 April 2016 (UTC)

Comments

• Although I presume he's had different numbers over the years, please name them in the "No." parameter of the infobox or remove it altogether.
  • Removed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:16, 6 April 2016 (UTC)
• For the first paragraph of the lead, you can combine several of the sentences together in order to make it flow better.
  • Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:20, 6 April 2016 (UTC)
• Be sure the lead reflects the structure of the article (i.e. is chronological)
  • Hmm. Let's look at this after we finish all the rest of the tinkering.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:29, 6 April 2016 (UTC)
  • Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 15:38, 14 April 2016 (UTC)
• "stood as a San Diego section" This may be football lingo, but it appears to be informal to me.
  • Thanks.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:17, 6 April 2016 (UTC)
• Perhaps File:LloydCarr Luncheon2013.jpg would aid the article and spruce it up a little bit in the "University of Michigan section".
  • Image added.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:03, 6 April 2016 (UTC)
• Although the prose in the college section is fine, I would use transitioning words and phrases to prevent it from looking like a miscellaneous collection of facts.
  • I looked at User:Tony1/How to improve your writing today and am not sure how I feel about this.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 13:53, 14 April 2016 (UTC)

• • Okay. That's a good document that I have looked at in the past. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 15:31, 15 April 2016 (UTC)

• I would split the last paragraph of this section into two.
  • Each season currently has a paragraph. Where do you see a natural split for that season?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 13:21, 7 April 2016 (UTC)

• • Never mind, as that makes more sense than arbitrarily splitting paragraphs in the middle of seasons. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 15:31, 15 April 2016 (UTC)

• "He was injured" How?
  • I don't know how, but I added that it was his knee ACL.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 13:28, 7 April 2016 (UTC)
• Those two miscellaneous sentences are too short for their own paragraphs, so I would combine them and place both in the previous major paragraph.
  • Merged.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 15:03, 7 April 2016 (UTC)
• Refs appear to look good.
  • Thanks.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 15:03, 7 April 2016 (UTC)

@TonyTheTiger: That's all I have. Article looks nice. :) Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 02:04, 7 April 2016 (UTC)

@TonyTheTiger: Wonderful work! Pass. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 15:31, 15 April 2016 (UTC)

@TonyTheTiger: Let's actually hold on a second here. I'm not sure why I didn't pick these up on my first ref check, but ref 12 (this), ref 57 from canada.com, ref 55 from canoe.ca, and ref 62 from esks.com are not working. Holding off on passing for now. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 15:38, 15 April 2016 (UTC)

• fixed--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:00, 20 April 2016 (UTC)

• Great. Pass. Johanna^{(talk to me!)} 14:29, 21 April 2016 (UTC)