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Talk:Hold It Against Me/GA2

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Latest comment: 13 years ago by Wikipedian Penguin in topic GA Review

GA Review

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Reviewer: Wikipedian Penguin (talk • contribs • count) 23:07, 5 September 2011 (UTC)Reply

I am not going to keep the nominator waiting so I might as well get to the point. The article has several major issues that this review will be going through. See the good article criteria, for what this article should exemplify. Here is what it does not (yet):


Pre-review - collapsed because the article has now passed

1. Well-written:
(a) the prose needs cleaning up; all redundancy and puffery need to be removed and grammar issues need to be fixed
(b) it does not fully comply with layout as heading names need to be modified to clear confusion; unnecessary words need to be cut out as per words to watch; and possible changes may need to be made for compliance with lead sections.
2. Factually accurate and verifiable
(b) some fixes need to be made to the reference formatting
4. Neutral: Any unnecessary bias should be removed and the article must be clear and to the point

Without further ado, here are all my comments, and please feel free to ask questions. If you address all errors of a section/article at once, simply put "Done all" at the bottom of the section on this review page. Putting   Done after each and every point listed hear gets cluttered and annoying.

Lead section
  • The first two sentences can easily be merged and tightened. Do not forget to mention the Femme Fatale's release year.
  • " "Hold It Against Me" was written by... " → " It was written by... "
  • " ...while being produced by Luke, Martin and Billboard " – "While"? I don't think it's possible for a song to be produced and written simultaneously.
  • Restructure the whole sentence so that you don't have to mention Luke, Martin and Billboard twice.
  • " The song was initially going to be offered to Katy Perry " – Cut as specified; by saying "going to", we already know what you mean.
  • " Luke explained that he wanted "Hold It Against Me" to sound unlike his previous productions. " – Move sentence to before the Katy Perry sentence.
  • " After a demo version of the track performed by McKee was leaked, the finished version premiered on January 10, 2011. " – The whole sentence reads rather awkward, possibly because of the "After" part.
  • " The single was released the following day. " – This does not help; so the finished version was actually a leak and this is the official release?
  • " The chorus contains lilting synths... " – "Contains"?
  • Why is there a comma in that sentence?
  • " The song also features a dubstep-influenced breakdown... " – Cut as specified. You said that the chorus featured something last time, not the song.
  • " ...which displays Spears moaning and blowing kisses... " – "Displays" is a rather poor choice of wording here; you can't see a song.
  • " ...and ends with a final chorus with elements of rave " – Does the song end with a chorus or does the breakdown?
  • " ...while the chorus revolves around pick-up lines " Incorrect use of "while".
  • " After its release, The Bellamy Brothers criticized it " – After what release; the song or the lyrics?
  • " ...but the case was dismissed after the Bellamy Brothers apologized." – Capitalize "the" as it is part of the name.
  • " The song became a commercial success " Total puffery; just get to the point as the facts speak for themselves.
  • " The feat also made her the third female artist to ever score number one singles in three consecutive decades "
  • " Additionally, [T]he single has [also] charted in the top five in countries such as Australia, Ireland, Italy, Scotland, Finland and Norway. "
  • " An accompanying music video for the song was directed by Jonas Åkerlund. " – Replace "An" with "The". There was only one music video.
  • " ...with critics complimenting its artistic concept and visuals... " – "With" is an ugly word to connect ideas rather than objects. Also, reword to remove the Noun+ing here.
  • " Spears has performed "Hold It Against Me" at Rain Nightclub, Good Morning America and Jimmy Kimmel Live!. " – Cut as specified; thos eperformances took place a long time ago.

This was surprisingly more than I expected. This may take more time than I thought, so while I work on the other sections, you can fix these in the meantime.

Done all. Xwomanizerx (talk) 20:45, 6 September 2011 (UTC)Reply
Before I move on...
  • " which has Spears moaning and blowing kisses " – Noun+ing
  • " The video received mixed to positive reviews, and critics complimented its artistic concept and visuals, but dismissing the use of product placement. " – Now it looks ungrammatical. Don't use "and" if what you are about to say is in greater detail of the first clause. In such case, you could use a semicolon, or replace "and" with one of the "w" words (i.e. which). Second, the tenses of all the verbs don't match in that sentence (i.e. received, complimented, dismissing..Which one is wrong?)
—WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 20:59, 6 September 2011 (UTC)Reply
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll try my best. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 09:52, 7 September 2011 (UTC)Reply
Background
  • " "Hold It Against Me" was written by Max Martin, Dr. Luke, Bonnie McKee and Billboard, while being produced by Luke, Martin and Billboard. " – Same issue as raised in the lead.
  • " Luke and Martin wanted to give the track to Katy Perry" – Introduce Katy Perry.
  • " They continued to work on the song with Billboard, and Luke commented " – I don't think "and" is the right word here.
  • " It was widely reported by several news outlets "
  • " An early demo of the track performed by McKee was leaked on January 6, 2011 "
  • " Initially, [T]he single was going to be released in the United Kingdom on February 20, 2011 "
Composition
  • " Spears' vocals has been described as "a bit treated" but not heavily Autotuned. " – Minor grammar issue.
  • " The poppy, Max Martin-styled chorus contains lilting synths... " – Use real words.
  • " This is followed by a dubstep-influenced breakdown, which lasts about thirty seconds and features Spears moaning... " – Noun+ing
  • " The final chorus contains a smattering of rave chords and the song has a sudden end. " – Again, "contains"?
  • " Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone commented the song... " – Is there a missing preposition?
  • " ...Britney's 2007 gem, Blackout. " – Do not link inside quotes.
  • " The hook was noted by Ann Powers of Los Angeles Times to be reminiscent of "(I Just) Died in Your Arms" (1986) by Cutting Crew. " – "Hook" should have been linked a lot earlier on in the article.
  • " ...comparable to Rihanna's "Only Girl (In the World)" (2010). " – Introduce Rihanna.
  • " ...with Spears' vocals ranging from the low-key of G3 to the high-note of G5. " – Improper use of "with" and noun+ing
  • " ...with Spears singing... "
  • " James Montgomery of MTV compared the feeling of the lyrics to "If U Seek Amy" (2009). " – Do you mean: " James Montgomery of MTV compared the feeling of the lyrics to that of "If U Seek Amy" (2009). "
  • " David Bellamy said in a statement... " → " In a statement, David Bellamy said... "
  • " On March 2, 2011, Martin, Luke, McKee and Billboard filed [a] [law]suit[,]... "
  • " ...suit accusing... " – Noun+ing

I'm a bit busy right now so I'll review the next few sections in... three hours or so. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 09:52, 7 September 2011 (UTC)Reply

Critical reception

This section was well-constructed. Not much to fix here.

  • " enter any new territory lyrically " – Re-word because it sounds a bit too informal.
  • " and stated [that] it "
  • " "awesome." " – Period should be outside of quote.
  • " the 'Oops' girl may yet do it again " – Instead of linking to the article, explain the reference used here to Britney's classic hit.
  • " saying that while the lyrics and melody were not different " – Replace "while" with "although".
  • You have to introduce some of the newsspapers/magazines.
Chart performance
  • With a quick read, this section looks like it focuses too much on Spears' record breaking success. I think you should give some due weight for it to pass NPOV.
  • " Additionally [T]he song broke Mediabase's record for the largest spin-increase in a single week "
  • " Billboard reported that "Hold It Against Me" was likely to debut at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 " → " Billboard reported that it was likely to debut at the top of the Billboard Hot 100 "
  • " due to the strong airplay and sales " – What do you mean by strong airplay? Do you mean "high airplay"?
  • " to score a number one hit in three decades " – I think she scored more than one number one over that time span.
  • " "Hold It Against Me" also debuted atop of the Hot Digital Songs chart "
  • " The most downloads in a first week by a female artist, beating the previous record held by Taylor Swift's "Today Was a Fairytale" (2010) " – This doesn't read as a standalone sentence.
  • " The record was broken by Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" the following month. " – The quotes should be outside the link.
  • " It is also Spears' biggest one-week digital sales total " → " It is also Spears' biggest sales week "
  • " million-selling song " → " song with at least a million copies sold "
  • " Internationally, The song debuted on the ARIA Charts of Australia at number ten " – Remember that it doesn't make sense to say "Internationally", then mention specific countries.
  • " The single also debuted at the summit of the Canadian Hot 100 " – I think "top" is a more appropriate word.
  • " Additionally, [W]ith digital sales of 37,000 copies "
  • " the best debut since Michael Bublé's "Haven't Met You Yet" (2009) as well as entering the Top 40/CHR airplay chart at number twelve " – Readers have different opinions on what the best debut would be. Keep neutral.
  • " the second best debut in the last five years " – Same here.
Development
  • " but they had not worked together in the past owing to "his availability or her timing" " – Comma after "past".
  • " "it took a life on its own" " – What took a life on its own?
  • " On January 22, 2011, Spears tweeted from the video shoot saying it was "an incredible experience" and it would "be one of the best videos I have ever done." " – Comma after "shoot" as well.
  • " On February 2, 2011, accusations came from TMZ.com that Jonas had decided to use a dance double for Spears when it seemed like she had not rehearsed her moves enough. " – Use last name of Jonas instead.
  • " with Jonas commenting " → " and Åkerlund commented "
  • " Friedman revealed that [Jonas' wife] " – Why is there brackets?
  • " Swarovski crystals were used for the "arm creations" " – That sentence needs inline citation (ex. [1]) to attribute the source.
  • " and a necklace by Dannijo and gloves by La Cracia were added as accessories " – Re-word to remove one of the "and"'s.
  • " Spears rocks a red look described as "skull shoulders," " – Comma should be after quote.
  • " Make Up Forever " → " Make Up For Ever "
Synopsis
  • " The main idea behind the video is that of Spears crashing down to Earth as a meteorite, trying to find fame in the planet " → " The main idea behind the video is that Spears tries to find fame on Earth, after crashing down as a meteorite "
  • " The video begins with the meteorite falling through space to the Earth " → " The video begins when a meteoroid heads for Earth " – Remember to not confuse meteorites, meteoroids and meteors.
  • " and lighting up a city when it finally lands. " → " and lights up a city when it finally lands. "
  • " After this, black-and-white interspersed scenes of Spears getting ready in a soundstage are shown, while the words "Britney Spears" and "Hold It Against Me" appear in Def Leppard-inspired multicolored letters. " – Source?
  • " and [is] surrounded by television monitors playing her past music videos "
  • " Spears sings wearing sparkly red skull-shaped shoulder pads " – Comma after "sings".
  • " with dozens of microphones around her " – Cut as specified. Too vague to give any meaning.
  • " question mark (?) appearing " – Reword to remove noun+ing.
Release and reception
Live performances
  • " Spears appeared onstage wearing a sequined bodysuit and [was] flanked my male dancers "
  • " According to Jocelyn Vena of MTV, the performance "included sexy hair-tossing and a wind machine." " – Source?
  • " Spears performed "Hold It Against Me", "Big Fat Bass" and "Till the World Ends" at Jimmy Kimmel Live! " – When refering to a TV show, you use the preposition "on" instead. Also, where is the end punctuation?
  • " As she said "I'm not that innocent" " → " As she said "I'm not that innocent", a lyric from "Oops!... I Did It Again" " – This is a similar case to a previous issue I raised earlier. Do not link the song title this time though due to OVERLINK.
Cover versions
Certification

The cells in the Certification column (like the Gold, Platinum, etc.) should be aligned in the center.

I have the source review ready, but fix these prose issues first. Let's get all of this over with today. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 10:46, 17 September 2011 (UTC)Reply

Source review

I have used the ref numbers based on the latest revision when I reviewed it.

First column:

Second column:

Good job on keeping consistent with the formatting. —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 19:16, 19 September 2011 (UTC)Reply

Final comments: In the reference links, avoid putting double quotes inside of the link titles because the links are already double-quoted. Use single quotes for the "Hold It Against Me" in the refs. Also, Official music video on "Vevo" → "Hold It Against Me" music video —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 22:50, 19 September 2011 (UTC)Reply

Done! Xwomanizerx (talk) 01:44, 20 September 2011 (UTC)Reply
I see no reason to not pass this article. It was a long review, but after almost two months, it has finally passed. Good job and get "Till the World Ends" and "I Wanna Go" to GA! —WP:PENGUIN · [ TALK ] 18:09, 20 September 2011 (UTC)Reply
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