Talk:Jacki Sorensen/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Epicgenius (talk · contribs) 19:34, 14 October 2020 (UTC)

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)
It is reasonably well written. a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists): It is factually accurate and verifiable. a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): } d (copyvio and plagiarism): It is broad in its coverage. a (major aspects): b (focused): It follows the neutral point of view policy. Fair representation without bias: It is stable. No edit wars, etc.: It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate. a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: Pass/Fail:
· · ·

Prose, POV, and coverage

Lead

• Aerobic Dancing Inc, - for consistency I'd put a period after "Inc."
• She expanded this concept into a teaching method and studio franchise, Aerobic Dancing Inc, that rose through the 1970s to 1,500 locations and 4,000 instructors in 1981, teaching 170,000 students.[1] - I think you can eliminate "through the 1970s". The previous sentence establishes that the company was formed in 1969, so this may be redundant. Also, is the 170K figure for the intervening 12 years?

Early life

• She found to her disappointment that professional dancers needed to be taller than her height of 5 feet 4 inches (1.63 m), so she enrolled in university. - I would suggest something like "She was disappointed to find that professional dancers ...". Or alternatively, cut the part about disappointment completely, because I don't see it in the source (unless I'm missing something).
• cheerleading pom-pom squad 1961–64 - "cheerleading pom-pom squad in 1961–64"

Aerobics

• Sorensen reassured her students ... She avoided large mirrors .... She conducted her classes ... She tested her students - in this paragraph, a lot of sentences begin with "She". I recommend changing this up a bit, possibly including her surname or a conjunction like "In addition" at the beginning of one of two sentences.
• She ran the Atlantic City Marathon (26.2 miles, 42 km) organized - How about "She ran the 26.2-mile (42.2 km) Atlantic City Marathon organized ..."
• Every 12 weeks was a new routine. - I'd suggest "There was a new routine every 12 weeks" or similar. Currently, the sentence seems a bit awkwardly worded.
• In 1979, Sorensen published ... In 1980, she put out ... In 1981, ADI reached its peak ... - I'd mix this up a bit, too. It reads somewhat like a timeline right now.
• it is used on branded clothing, etc. - This is also a strange wording, because generally, "etc." isn't used after a list containing one item.

Honors and legacy

• in-house magazine in Fall 1981 - this can probably be reworded to clarify that it's the Fall 1981 issue of the magazine. If this is not the case, "Fall" is over-capitalized and can be ambiguous per MOS:SEASON

Overall, there doesn't seem to be any POV issues. Reading through it, I thought the coverage was satisfactory, although the lead is a bit short. epicgenius (talk) 19:46, 14 October 2020 (UTC)

References

• Formatting is good.
• I spot checked a few sources. Nothing seems to be out of place.

Images and copyright

• File:Jacki Sorensen's Fitness Classes logo.jpg has an appropriate fair use rationale.
• However, File:Eunice Shriver and Jacki Sorensen - 1982.jpg and File:Jacki Sorensen portrait.jpg (published in 1982) have {{PD-US-no notice}} tags. These are only applicable to images published without notice between 1925 and 1977, so if these were published in 1982, another tag might have to be placed there.
• This is a minor issue, but captions that are complete sentences can have periods at the end per WP:CAPFRAG. E.g. In 1973, Sorensen created a "Sheer Energy" fitness program for L'eggs pantyhose employees
• Copyright check turned up clean.

General comments

•  On hold epicgenius (talk) 19:46, 14 October 2020 (UTC)

Okay, Epicgenius, I believe I have addressed every point, including the rationales at Wikimedia Commons. I tacked on another named ref to support the fact that 1981 was the peak of the business. Binksternet (talk) 01:31, 15 October 2020 (UTC)

• Oh, I added another paragraph of lead section. Binksternet (talk) 01:47, 15 October 2020 (UTC)
  • @Binksternet: Thanks. This looks good to go now. epicgenius (talk) 03:17, 15 October 2020 (UTC)