Talk:Kingdom Hearts χ/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: PresN (talk · contribs) 19:55, 3 June 2016 (UTC)

I will be reviewing this. --PresN 19:55, 3 June 2016 (UTC)

• "the event which established the current organization of the Kingdom Hearts universe." - current is off, as we're in the past; maybe "which established the organization of the Kingdom Hearts universe as of the initial game".
• "earns Lux, experience points, and Munny" - link experience points
• "Kingdom Hearts series (KH originals" - KH as an acronym is odd and not introduced
• "as well as Disney and Final Fantasy characters" - link Disney and Final Fantasy, and mention back in the first sentence that the Kingdom Hearts series includes original elements along with bits form Disney and Final Fantasy.
• "the Snow White-inspired" - link
• "Unchained shares multiple gameplay" - Unchained has not been introduced at this point in the body
• "Lux has been conflated with character-leveling experience points" - tense, and "conflated" is an odd word choice when "combined with" is more clear
• "Rather than being awarded directly, clothing, hair, and accessories" - this is the first time you've mentioned these, so "rather than" is strange; mention them earlier.
• "that created the present-day layout of the Kingdom Hearts world" - as above
• "The story will lead into the beginning of the Keyblade War" - tense

Will continue in a bit. --PresN 20:06, 3 June 2016 (UTC)

Good job so far @PresN:, that batch is done. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 03:33, 4 June 2016 (UTC)

Part 2!

• "Kairi's grandmother is telling Kairi her favorite story of light and darkness" - tense, feels like editorializing
• "Once the Player has chosen, Darkness surrounds them - though they summon forth a Keyblade" - okay, this section is starting to feel like a dramatic retelling, not an encyclopedic description...
• "which is described to them as being" - unclear who "them" is- the character or the player?
• "a massive Corridor of Darkness opens" - uh, what's that?
• "Before the Heartless can finish them off, the Player is saved by their respective Foreteller; who forces the Darkside back into the Corridor of Darkness and follows it in order to destroy it." - this sentence is a mess and I have no idea what a Foreteller is
• Just going to note here that it looks like the whole plot section needs to be rewritten- the information is fine, but the actual text is assuming the reader knows what all these terms mean, and is written like a dramatic recap, not an encyclopedic summary. I'm going to stop pointing out the bad phrasing/style like that from here forwards, and stick to the bad sentence construction
• "Chirithy, a cat-like figure who had accompanied the Foreteller, explains that someone is seeking out the Light, and that the Player had been chosen to become a Keyblade Wielder and to use the Keyblade - a weapon of light - to fend off the darkness that is quickly covering the worlds." - this sentence wanders on and on, and the spaced-hyphens should be unspaced emdashes or spaced endashes.
• "into darkness; with the Keyblade being" - semicolons separate full sentence-clauses, so "with"/"being" doesn't fit
• It's really strange the way this section refers to the character that the player is controlling as the "Player", with caps- are they referred to that way in-game? It sounds like there's just no name given and they're a player stand-in, in which case it shouldn't be capitalized, and the section shouldn't be saying that the Player is confused.
• "Revealing that it wants the Player to go to these other worlds to fight the darkness, Chirithy then informs the Player that the Lanes Between had been opened and they could use them to access these other worlds within the Book of Prophecies: a tome that predicts the future." - rambling sentence, uses undefined terms, tense issues
• “Before the person who created me vanished, he gave his six disciples new names, and to five of them, a prophecy. Those five disciples, now Foretellers, read the prophecy in which the future was foretold - but they seemed to be shocked by the last verse: "By waging war on that land, Light shall face defeat and be annihilated. The world shall be engulfed in eternal darkness." In order to save the future, the five Foretellers thought about using the hidden power within the prophecies.” - there's no need for this lengthy quote
• "who tells them that Ephemera came here to conflict with their Union" - "to conflict"?
• "The Foreteller is revealed to be Ava, who has been testing them and tells them that Ephemera has left to another world and has become a Dandelion; Keyblade Wielders who don't face the end of the world, while those who do will start a Keyblade War. " - the punctuation here is all wrong.
• The story section just kind of... stops. Is that the end of the game? Does the story continue in another game? Or are they still releasing story bits, and this is just as far as it's gone?
• In addition to cleaning up the language of the section, I really feel that the plot section is too long. It's way, way too wordy is places, and could stand to lose at least a paragraph's worth of text without much affect on the content.

Development & other sections

• "The game's music is composed" - tense
• "but due to its newness to the team" - unclear, seems like you mean "but due to the team's unfamiliarity with browser games"
• "The Chirithy, the player characters' companion" - no "the" needed at the start
• "He based its design on the Scottish Fold domestic cat" - who did?
• "series protagonists Sora and Riku" - link Sora
• "For this same reason, the team went with mouse-based rather than controller-based gameplay" - um, wouldn't the fact that it's a browser game and not a console game also have something to do with this? It seems like this idea links better with the next sentence about simple controls that it does with the complicated gameplay of most of the series
• "χ-blade (Keyblade), the original Keyblade" - shouldn't it be "Chi-blade" in parenthesis, if you're going to do it at all?
• "During 2014, Nomura stated that the story of Kingdom Hearts χ was on hold" - there's no context here; you haven't said when development started at this point (you don't get into dates until the release section).
• "Unchained was decided upon while the original game was still in development." - I don't know what this means.
• "However development was focused on Kingdom Hearts χ, halting development on Unchained" - awkward, and needs a comma after However
• "One of the functions included was to make it a more casual experience" - a casual experience is not a "function"
• "at Tokyo Game Show 2012" - when was this?
• "A localization for western territories was being prepared" - when?
• The release section says that a localization "was" planned, then that there "still are" plans, then that a release "is" planned, then that it "was released". Needs a rewrite.
• Also, the last two sentence use different tenses when talking about releases, both in the past...
• The reception section is... anemic. Are there no other reviews?
• "in HD cinematics, approximately one-hour long" - fragment
• Most of the Back Cover section has nothing to do with this game. It should be a single sentence in the "release" section.

Whew. Ok, that was tiring- the writing is really bad in the plot section especially. It really does need a top-to-bottom rewrite. (also, I find KH plots nonsensical at best most of the time) Placing on hold. --PresN 20:59, 6 June 2016 (UTC)

Thanks for the very thorough review! I'm in line to get on the Test Track at EPCOT, so it may be a few days before I finish this articles last notes. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 16:46, 12 June 2016 (UTC)

Look man, you need to get your priorities in order. Finishing off the last points in an easily-extendible and easily-repeatable review of a Wikipedia GA nomination is way more important that "having a life". Also, have fun! Don't think I did that one when I went a few years ago. --PresN 00:33, 13 June 2016 (UTC)

Well, it was an incredible slog, I mean come on @PresN:, you want me to make a Kingdom Hearts plot make sense? Want the cure for cancer and the Presidents Book of Secrets too? :) I had lots of fun in Disney, you should totally go sometime. Not on the Test Track though, it was really fast!

Anyway, article should be done, all points addressed, plot re-written by me with original as raw material, and reception section doubled. Let me know if you see anything else. Thanks for the massive and through review! Judgesurreal777 (talk) 06:42, 28 June 2016 (UTC)

@Judgesurreal777: Okay, taking a look:

• Most of paragraph 3 of Gameplay is unreferenced; I guess it was before, I just didn't catch it
• I fixed a couple small errors in plot.

So, that's it. Feel's a bit strange to keep the GAN open for one issue, but I don't think it will take you long. --PresN 18:33, 28 June 2016 (UTC)

Ok, I added five cites for various points in the text I sourced to one of the article existing references, and fixed a few sentence & spelling things @PresN:. Judgesurreal777 (talk) 19:10, 28 June 2016 (UTC)

Alright, passing! --PresN 20:44, 28 June 2016 (UTC)