Talk:Manoj Bajpayee/GA1
Latest comment: 8 years ago by Yashthepunisher in topic GA Review
GA Review
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Reviewer: FrB.TG (talk · contribs) 20:16, 12 December 2015 (UTC)
Please write either Bajpayee or Bajpai throughout the article. There are places where I see Bajpai while in some sentences you refer to him as Bajpaee; be consistent.
- Lead
- Merge the Tamil and Telugu appearing part with the first sentence as it seems more relevant there.
- I am not sure if "two-wifed" is safe try a prince with two wives.
- "In 2003, Bajpai acted in Pinjar, for which he was awarded the Special Jury National Award." → "Bajpai won the Special Jury National Award for Pinjar (2003)" for the sake of simplicity.
- I see three instances of "followed by" in the lead which makes it repetitive.
- Either combine second sentence (of the last para) with the first one or get rid of "Though" as it reads a bit vague.
- Have an WP:ALT text for the lead image.
- Early and personal life
- "He was the second child among his" - what do you mean he "was" the second child? Is he not now the second child?
- "One of his younger sisters Poonam Dubey"
- I believe "house wife" is one word.
- "Being born in a farmer family, Bajpai says: 'we were supposed to do farming in our vacation and cultivate the land.'" - I believe the quote can be paraphrased.
- Any suggestions?
- "He moved to New Delhi at the age of seventeen and went
firstto Satyawati, then to Ramjas College, Delhi University" - In the section, you say that he was rejected four times when he applied for National School of Drama while the lead says others - factually inaccurate.
- " Impressed b Bajpayai's acting, John hired" - I think you missed a y in by.
- "After that he applied at the National School of Drama for the fourth time, they offered him a teaching position at the school instead" - how did it happen when "he was rejected four times and wanted to commit suicide"?
- Career
- The section is pretty big. Please have some subsections.
- "a comedy film; where he had a supporting role"– I think a comma would do better.
- The quote in the following sentence can easily be paraphrased.
- Hope the current version is right.
- "give him a big role in his next film" - try "prominent" or something else instead of "big".
- "was there next film together" - I think you mean "their".
- "the title character to form there nexus in Mumbai underworld" - again it's "their". Also have a definite article before Mumbai underworld.
- "called Bajpai and other's performances that they are" → "called Bajpai and others' performances"
- "Though the film was a box-office disappointment" – why do you have a though when there is not preceding or following sentence which is contradictory?
- If possible, try to paraphrase the Sify review for Shool.
- Is it right now?
- "In 2001 Bajpai's first release was" → "Bajpai's first release in 2001 was"
- "Singh of Fatehpur. A polo enthusiast" instead of the full stop, you need a comma.
- "1971, where he portrayed the..." - TBH this sentence is so messed-up. Please rephrase it.
- "and was out of screen" → "and was absent from the screen".
- "which was a remake of the Hollywood film Unknown"
- "rightful heir of an political family" - "a" political.
- "Bajpai "..grab[s] eyeballs in [his] scenes".
- "In 2012, Bajpai had three
consecutivereleases" - You have written that Gangs of Wasseypur is a two-part crime saga but please also mention that he only appeared in the first part.
- Simply say that Anupama Chopra called it his best performance since Bhiku Mhatre in Satya instead of quoting Chopra.
- A lot of sentences I see start with "his next film", "he had x releases in", or something like that. Please rephrase a few of them.
- Have India Today in italics.
- There are some words used repetitively throughout the article e.g. "then" 12 times.
- "Director Ram Gopal Varma said 'Manoj... , further adding ... "
- References
- {{reflist}} → {{reflist|30em}}
- Otherwise they (sources) look fine; good job.-- Frankie talk 14:33, 13 December 2015 (UTC)
- Apart from three instances regarding paraphrasing, I have taken care of all the queries. Thank you for the review. Yashthepunisher (talk) 16:42, 13 December 2015 (UTC)