Talk:Mummy/GA2

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: SlimVirgin (talk · contribs) 21:59, 5 December 2013 (UTC)

Checklist

Rate	Attribute	Review Comment
1. Well-written:
	1a. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct.	Lead Better to link animal mummy on first reference, rather than writing "(See: Animal mummy)". Ditto with "(See the section Etymology and meaning.)" Best to leave it out, or you could link it to "use of the word." "... ancient cultures in areas of South America and Asia which have very dry climates": this is a preference issue, but "that" is more precise than "which," and signals that you're not referring to the whole of South America and Asia. "Deliberate mummy": is that the usual term? You elsewhere call them "anthropogenic mummies." Continued below.
	1b. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation.
2. Verifiable with no original research:
	2a. it contains a list of all references (sources of information), presented in accordance with the layout style guideline.
	2b. reliable sources are cited inline. All content that could reasonably be challenged, except for plot summaries and that which summarizes cited content elsewhere in the article, must be cited no later than the end of the paragraph (or line if the content is not in prose).
	2c. it contains no original research.
3. Broad in its coverage:
	3a. it addresses the main aspects of the topic.
	3b. it stays focused on the topic without going into unnecessary detail (see summary style).
	4. Neutral: it represents viewpoints fairly and without editorial bias, giving due weight to each.
	5. Stable: it does not change significantly from day to day because of an ongoing edit war or content dispute.
6. Illustrated, if possible, by media such as images, video, or audio:
	6a. media are tagged with their copyright statuses, and valid non-free use rationales are provided for non-free content.	The images seem fine, except for File:Tuts Tomb Opened.JPG, which was published in 1923 and therefore can't be PD in the US under the pre-1923 criterion. If you want to be strictly correct you might have to upload it to WP and claim fair use; although as it's on the Commons maybe others have checked and it's okay. Also, I doubt you can claim legitimate fair use for File:Ghost1.jpg; there isn't really any critical commentary in the article and the image adds nothing to the page. I'm not a stickler for those things but someone else might object in future. It's also not a very good image and arguably spoils the article a little. A preference issue: I would move File:Jeremy Bentham by Henry William Pickersgill detail.jpg to the right because he's looking away from the text at the moment.
	6b. media are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions.
	7. Overall assessment.	I've reviewed down to the North America section. I see Saint Soren has edited only twice since 29 November, so I'll put this on hold until s/he's back. SlimVirgin (talk) 03:06, 9 December 2013 (UTC) Saint Soren still hasn't edited since 29 November except for two edits on 7 December to his talk page, so I'm reluctantly closing the review as failed because of the lack of response. SlimVirgin (talk) 19:58, 3 January 2014 (UTC)

Discussion

Hi Saint Soren, I've just started reviewing this. It's a fascinating read. I've actually been meaning to read this all the way through for some time, since reading about mummies for Female genital mutilation (mummies were studied to see whether it had been done to them), so doing this review gives me a good chance to look through it carefully. I've left a few points above, and I'll continue below as things occur to me. SlimVirgin ^(talk) 18:05, 6 December 2013 (UTC)

• remove period after "zoologist Francis Trevelyan Buckland."
• 20th century, small c
• "for use in pseudoscientific novelties such as mummia": not clear what this means
• "the creation elaborate tombs": missing an "of."
• "A text known as The Ritual of Embalming does describe some of the practical logistics of embalming, however, there are only two known copies ..." Change to "but there are only two ..." or if you want to keep "however," it needs a semi-colon before it, or a full stop/period.

• Same with "Mummies have been discovered in more humid Asian climates, however these are subject to rapid decay after being removed from the grave." Except that in the latter case, I probably wouldn't use either however or but. Better: "Mummies have been discovered in more humid Asian climates; these are subject to rapid decay after being removed from the grave."
• And with "Later isotopic research on the other mummies returned similar dates, however, many of these individuals were found ..." But instead of however.

• Next sentence: latter periods? Is that "later"? Also, I'd remove "being."
• Suggestion: "Written in Book 2 of the Histories is one of the most detailed descriptions of the Egyptian mummification process, including the mention of using natron in order to dehydrate corpses for preservation." Change to: "Book 2 of the Histories contains one of the most detailed descriptions of the Egyptian mummification process, including how natron was used to dehydrate corpses for preservation."
• Suggestion: not part of the GA criteria, but 1958-1959 ought to have an en dash rather than a hyphen, i.e. 1958–1959. Ditto with 5,000–8,000 years.
• animal bone tools --> animal-bone tools, or better still "tools made of animal bone."
• ostrich egg shell beads --> ostrich eggshell beads
• first mummy ever discovered --> first mummy discovered; the "ever" doesn't add meaning.
• "The exact reason why her body was so completely preserved has yet to be determined" --> "The reason her body was so well-preserved has yet to be determined."
• "It was during this time that researchers determined the mine suffered a major collapse" --> had suffered. Suggest simply: "Researchers determined that the mine had suffered a major collapse, which had probably caused the death of the miners."
• In the Europe section: "The Capuchin monks that inhabited the area ..." This is very vague. Even though you give more detail later, could it be expanded a little here too?
• "One of the oldest, and most infamous, mummies (nicknamed Ötzi) was discovered on this continent": it would make sense to say where.
• 21st century, 14th century, 18th century: small c
• "Embalming was carried out by specialized groups, organized according to gender ..." Does this mean that women embalmed women, men embalmed men?
• "similar to those of the Ancient Egyptians; involving evisceration ..." comma, not semi-colon
• "involving evisceration, preservation, and stuffing of the evacuated bodily cavities, then wrapping of the body in animal skins." Better without the "of": "involving evisceration, preservation, stuffing the evacuated body [body, rather than bodily] cavities, then wrapping the body in animal skins." Or you could use a colon and no "involving": "The techniques for embalming were similar to those of the Ancient Egyptians: evisceration, preservation, stuffing the evacuated body cavities, then wrapping the body in animal skins."
• "The mummies range in age and social status at time of death": I'd remove "at time of death." Their social status didn't change after death, and the next sentence explains that they're mostly from the 18th century, so "age" doesn't need the "at time of death" qualifier.
• 1674-1783: better with en dash, 1674–1783
• 140 bodies, then thirty-eight bodies: you can do either, but it's better to keep it consistent. A common rule is text from one to nine, and thereafter numerals.
• "In 1875, the Borum Eshøj grave mound was uncovered, which had been built around three coffins, which belonged to a middle aged man and woman as well as a man in his early twenties. Through examination, the woman was discovered to be around 50–60 years old." Some suggested fixes: "The Borum Eshøj grave mound was uncovered in 1875. This had been built around three coffins containing a middle-aged man, a man in his early twenties, and a woman found to be 50–60 years old. She had been buried with several artifacts ... "
• "wore a sheath of which contained" --> "wore a sheath that contained" or "wore a sheath containing"
• horse hair hairnet --> horse-hair hairnet, or horsehair hairnet (the latter is better)
• made by sprang technique --> made by the sprang technique, or according to the sprang technique?
• "She was wearing a blouse and a necklace as well as two golden earrings, showing she was of higher class." Needs a comma before "as well," but better still: "She was wearing a blouse, necklace and two golden earrings, suggesting she was of a higher class."
• "The Egtved Girl, dated to 1370 BCE, was found also inside a sealed coffin inside of a tumulus, in 1921" --> The Egtved Girl, discovered in 1921 in a sealed coffin and dated to 1370 BCE, was also found inside a tumulus."
• "She was wearing a bodice and a skirt, including a belt and bronze bracelets." A skirt doesn't include a belt and bracelets. Better simply to say: "She was wearing a bodice, skirt, belt and bronze bracelets." And the next sentence: "The cremated remains of a child lay at her feet, and by her head there was a box containing some bronze pins, a hairnet and an awl."
• "Italian mummies display the same diversity ...": the same as?
• I wouldn't write "(See: Catacombe dei Cappuccini)." You could consider a "further information" link at the top of the section – i.e. {{see|Catacombe dei Cappuccini}} – although now I see it's already linked in that section under a different title.
• 15th and 16th century, small c
• "leaving the bodies to be protected and preserved" --> leaving the bodies protected and preserved

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.