Talk:Murder of Bianca Devins/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Kncny11 (talk · contribs) 20:24, 4 March 2021 (UTC)

Thank you for bringing this article forward for GA review, and I'm sorry that it took so long to get to. Unfortunately, I believe I'm going to have to quick-fail this article, as it is a long way from meeting one of the six good article criteria. The criteria I'm going to be looking at is #1, which says that a good article is:

1. Well-written:
   1. the prose is clear, concise, and understandable to an appropriately broad audience; spelling and grammar are correct; and
   2. it complies with the Manual of Style guidelines for lead sections, layout, words to watch, fiction, and list incorporation.

Here are some examples of the prose not being up to GA snuff:

• was a teenager from Utica, New York, who was stabbed to death on July 14, 2019, by Brandon Andrew Clark, after attending a Nicole Dollanganger concert. It is unclear from this sentence whether Devins or Clark was the one attending the concert, even if the article later demonstrates that both were in attendance.
• At the concert Devins kissed another male which upset Clark and allegedly served as the basis for him attacking and killing her, leaving her in a wooded area. This sentence is trying to do far too much and it is difficult to follow a through-line of what occurred.
• Clark took photos of her corpse which he uploaded to the internet where they were shared widely, sparking both mockery and sympathy. Three discrete events are combined into one clause.
• One of Devins' friends suggested he may have taken advantage of her sexually while they were high on drugs, which her friends said Clark would give her sometimes so she would spend time with him. Once again, there is simply too much happening in this sentence for the average reader to follow what it is trying to say.
• and smoked cannabis in the vehicle which belonged to Clark. It is unclear whether the cannabis or the vehicle belonged to Clark.
• Clark reportedly, at ease, told the dispatcher, I cannot understand what this is trying to say.
• Others have drawn similar conclusions with it being noted that before men repeated the meme 'subscribe to Pewdiepie' following the events. I cannot decipher what this means.

These are some of the larger examples. Overall, many of the prose issues relate to sentence structure, with too many clauses per sentence and misplaced commas. Additionally, there are five instances where the possessive of "Devins" is written as "Devin's," when the apostrophe should go after the "S". I understand that this page underwent a copy edit from a member of the GOCE last year. However, following that, it has undergone several major revisions and would benefit from another dedicated copyeditor refining the prose.

Clearly a good deal of research has been put into this article. Unfortunately, the severity of prose issues makes the article very difficult to understand, and it needs some TLC before it can qualify for good article status. Kncny11 ^(shoot) 20:24, 4 March 2021 (UTC)

• @Kncny11: Understood. I'll give the prose a close look and seek the help of other editors. If/when the article reaches a perceived level of adequate quality, shall I contact you? DMT biscuit (talk) 21:39, 7 March 2021 (UTC)

• @DMT biscuit: My apologies for getting this to you so late. I would certainly be able to give it a preliminary look when you believe the quality of prose has improved, but submitting it to GAN again would also be appropriate, in case I am in the midst of grad school and cannot do a review. Kncny11 ^(shoot) 17:13, 10 March 2021 (UTC)
• Ok.DMT biscuit (talk) 17:34, 10 March 2021 (UTC)