Talk:Niedermayer–Hentig Expedition/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Sturmvogel 66 (talk · contribs) 20:37, 16 December 2012 (UTC)

I'll get to this shortly.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 20:37, 16 December 2012 (UTC)

• Mutiny really isn't the right word here as it is used for units or people under military-type discipline, not a whole nation. Revolt or rebellion would be more accurate.
• This is awkward: The mission faltered from conception.
• These shouldn't be capitalized and this whole bit should be rephrased: graduate in Geography, Geology and Philology
• Emerged? "Proved himself to be" would probably work better. Oskar Niedermayer, now in charge, emerged a brilliant tactician.
• I'm down to Afghan intrigues and will finish later.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 23:06, 17 December 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for the review. I'll wait to tackle everything at once, though if you prefer I address those first I will. Wizardman 19:20, 21 December 2012 (UTC)

Fixed the first and last points, just removed the phrases for the middle two since they didn't add to the article and it's long enough as is. Wizardman 03:48, 25 December 2012 (UTC)

• This is awkward: At Kabul, the group was housed at the Emir's palace at Bagh-e Babur accommodated as Guests of State and their provisions arranged for.Y As is this: It was only after Niedermayer and von Hentig threatened Hunger Strike that anything moved.Y And this: Nasrullah Khan held more pro-German sympathy.Y And this: forwarded the invitation to join the war on Central sideY
• Don't capitalize words like palace that aren't proper nouns. And do capitalize proper nouns like Central Powers as required.
• Who is "her" in this bit: and her message to Afghanistan? The Sultan?Y
• You often fail to include articles like "the" and "a/an". Please read over your text carefully for these missing words or ask for help from the Guild of Copyeditors
• Would "declare" work better in this bit? convince the Emir to summon for JihadY
• How were they dubious? historians have pointed out that the German guarantees were dubious. and her message to Afghanistan
• In spite of what? In spite of this however, von Hentig and Niedermayer both signed this document. The "however" is awkward. and her message to Afghanistan

Down to Mission's conclusion section. More later.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 04:51, 25 December 2012 (UTC)

• Partially fixed. I'll try and find some time soon to do a look through the article and double-check things. The one downside of the rise f long articles, they take way longer to get through. Wizardman 22:12, 28 December 2012 (UTC)

  Issues addressed now. I did some copyediting though didn't find much int he way of missing modifiers. If a copyedit by another user is still needed I'll request one. Wizardman 04:23, 1 January 2013 (UTC)

• Here's an example of what I'm talking about regarding the missing articles: Mahendra Pratap, meanwhile, attempted to seek "an" alliance with Tsar Nicholas IIY and here and to establish "an" intelligence systemY
• He was accompanied at Moscow by Indian "in" Moscow?Y
• Who is Kirkpatrick?, Y
• the Chief of General Staff missing "the" Y
• Give Dyer's rank. Is Wilkeley notable?
• What does this mean? the Seistan Force became the Lines of Communication for the Mission
• Is this a typo for Punjab? intelligence captured in Pujab lettersY
• after a visit to India when he had carried Another typo here. - Fixed, I think; please check.
• Russians further voiced "The" Russians... Y
• Frontier shouldn't be capitalized unless you specify which frontier you're talking about, which turns it into a proper noun.Y
• Conversely British Empire should be British empires goodwill And watch the possessive here.Y
• Why are Postgraduate and Hospitals capitalized?Y
• British Indian intelligence. A later soviet plan Which is it? And watch capitalization.
• This is awkward: Bhutan, Sikkim, Nepal and Thailand and BurmaY
• Link, fix capitalization and "on" rather than "in" Czech uprising in the Trans-Siberian railwayY
• Link and fix capitalization. Indian Voluntary corps
• as did reach news of Indian communists what does this mean? - I can't figure it out and it's not mentioned in the source, so I have removed it.
• This is awkward: Pratap, who had been in Berlin at the time the war broke out, returned to Kabul at the news of the war, for which the Germans provided him air transport Perhaps something like: "the Germans flew Pratap to Kabul upon hearing the news of the Third Anglo-Afghan War." Or somesuch.Y
• I do think that this article needs an external copyedit by an experienced editor. Might I suggest user:Diannaa?--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 03:39, 5 January 2013 (UTC)

  Requested copyedit, will tackle rest tonight. Wizardman 20:48, 10 January 2013 (UTC)

  • OK.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 23:06, 10 January 2013 (UTC)

    • Hi Sturmvogel and Wizardman. I have addressed the majority of the points raised above, though there were a few items I could not solve. I will now start a top-to-bottom copy edit, which will take at least two passes, as much of the grammar is flipped from ordinary usage in the English language. -- Dianna (talk) 01:35, 11 January 2013 (UTC)
      • Hullo again. I have finished doing the copy edit. There's a couple of passages where I'm unsure of the meaning. "He only allowed himself to collect stamps and be photographed."; "A further attempt by British intelligence to feed false information to the mission, purportedly originating from Goltz Pasha, convinced von Hentig that they made attractive presents from the Emir to the Viceroy if it came to that."; " the Seistan Force became the lines of communication for the mission from September 1918 under the orders of the 4th (Quetta) Division."; "the plan was to arm the indigenous people in the North-East Indian region with modern weaponry before a regular supply could be arranged.". I will watchlist and return if anything further is needed. -- Dianna (talk) 01:25, 13 January 2013 (UTC)
        • Resolve the issues that Diannaa has identified and I'll take a look at it again.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 01:35, 13 January 2013 (UTC)

Addressed further notes above. I presume Wilkeley's not notable else he'd at least have one link to him on the site. Taking out the confusing parts actually made it far more understandable without losing substance so I just did that. Wizardman 23:44, 15 January 2013 (UTC)

I agree that this is a good solution. -- Dianna (talk) 20:22, 16 January 2013 (UTC)