Talk:Pan Am Flight 7/GA1

GA Review

Latest comment: 5 years ago4 comments2 people in discussion

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 15:39, 24 September 2019 (UTC)Reply

Comments

Could link "controlled landing on the ocean surface" to Water landing?
Done.
I would link United States Coast Guard first time.
Done.
"search for the plane and any potential survivors. The week-long search eventually became the largest search " bit too "search"y and also "eventually" used twice in quick succession makes for slightly clunky prose.
Removed eventually, changed to week-long hunt
Summary says "Crash, wreckage disappearance" but the lead states that pieces of the wreckage were found?
Changed to "Crash, cause undetermined".
named "Romance of the Skies".[5] italics elsewhere, not quotes.
Done.
"36 passengers and 8 crew members ..." avoid starting sentence with a number.
Done.
"loaded ... loaded" in one sentence is repetitive.
Done.
" after more time had passed" superfluous, perhaps "More than 90 minutes later, at 8:42..."
Done.
"It was the second worst accident... " feels like odd placement. You have yet to describe the number of victims etc, just that it was declared "down" at this point.
Moved it to the second paragraph of the Aircraft section.
"By Saturday, the "... I've lost track of what day we were on...
I changed it to "By the next day..." but had mentioned earlier that Flight 7 left San Francisco on Friday mornings.
"had expanded" been expanded, it didn't do it spontaneously or autonomously.
Done.
" port of Long Beach, California with its" comma after Cali.
Done.
"largest search in the Pacific Ocean to date" by "to date" do you mean "at that time"?
I mean up to that time. "At that time" implies that it was the largest operation that was happening at that particular moment.
"the Island of Hawaii" is "the Island of" necessary? is Island capitalised?
The Island of Hawaii is used to distinguish the island itself, which is the eastern-most of the multiple islands that make up the state of Hawaii. In the article Hawaii (island), the "Island" in the proper name is capitalized in the lead, which is what I had glanced at originally, but most of the rest of the article uses lowercase in the "island of..." construction. The AP style guide suggests using lower case when using "island of..." so I changed it.
"but did not find anything." could tighten to "but found nothing".
Done.
"plane found wreckage and bodies in the " as it was flying, presumably that was 'observed' from onboard rather than "found"?
Done.
"track.[18][6](p2)" numerical order.
Done.
"strapped to an airplane seat." pretty sure "airplane" is nugatory here, there's no possibility of ambiguity.
Done.
"Admiral T.A. Ahroon," T. A. (spaced).
Done.
"on August 30, 1949 as " comma after 1949.
Done.
"On June 18, 1957, the aircraft had" no need to repeat "the aircraft".
Done.
"the "Sovereign of the Skies"," italics for consistency?
Done.
"on October 16, 1956 after" comma after 1956.
Done.
"engine failures.[25][5]" order.
Done.
"to get off the plane" disembark.
Done.
"17 passengers were" avoid starting sentences with a number.
Done.
"32 of the passengers .." likewise.
Done.
" of Los Altos, California and was" comma after Cali.
Done.
"of Belmont, California and" ditto.
Done.
Could link USAF.
Done.
"combing through" somewhat evocative language. Perhaps "examining" is more neutral?
The combing through language was on purpose. As I understand it, a post-crash investigation of an aircraft's maintenance and operation records involves an extremely high level of scrutiny, one that "examining the records" doesn't sufficiently portray. The source was a little unclear but either two or five CAB experts were sent to the Pan Am office and assigned the task of going through all of the maintenance records.
"San Francisco.[32][6](p2)" order.
Done.
Could link Boeing.
Done.
" movie film.[12][6](p3) " order.
Done.
" in the bodies could have been a result of decomposition that had occurred in the bodies." "in the bodies ... in the bodies" repeat.
That was misstated. Corrected.
" the movie film" perhaps stick with "the acetate film"?
Done.

That's all I have, another thoroughly engaging article. The Rambling Man (Staying alive since 2005!) 17:08, 27 September 2019 (UTC)Reply

Thanks for your feedback on the article. I believe I've handled all of the items you identified. RecycledPixels (talk) 19:07, 27 September 2019 (UTC)Reply

You're welcome. I'm happy with the adjustments made and the other responses above. As such, I'll promote. Cheers. The Rambling Man (Staying alive since 2005!) 19:41, 27 September 2019 (UTC)Reply

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