Talk:Pool Party (The Office)/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Basilisk4u (talk · contribs) 14:51, 24 April 2012 (UTC)

Hi! I will review this article. Cheers! Basilisk4u (talk) 14:51, 24 April 2012 (UTC)

Review

Lead

Plot

• "Andy also brings an engagement ring his Jessica-approving mother gave him, after carefully removing the large centerpiece diamond because she wanted Andy's younger brother to have it, although he's not sure what to do with it." This sentence is a bit long. I'm not sure if the part about the centerpiece diamond is absolutely necessary. Perhaps it could be "Andy also brings an engagement ring his Jessica-approving mother gave him, planning to propose."
• "The ring goes missing from Andy's pants and he is horrified at first that he can't find it, and later when Kelly and Phyllis pick it up and decide it's evil and must be destroyed." I am confused about the second part of the sentence, it seems to be a fragment. It could be "The ring goes missing from Andy's pants and he is horrified at first that he cannot find it. Kelly and Phyllis later find the ring and decide it is evil and must be destroyed due to its odd appearance."
• "he asks Andy for his OK" --> "he asks Andy for his consent"
• "Andy then gives it" --> "Andy then agrees"

Production

• Looks good :)

Cultural references

• "He mentions early on in the episode that, "The 1% are hurting too!" You could add "a reference to the slogan of the Occupy movement."

Reviews

• "A variety of reviewers found the cold-opening funny." Explain briefly what the cold opening was in this episode.

On hold

Okay I have finished the review and put it on hold in order for some concerns to be addressed! Good luck :) Basilisk4u (talk) 13:45, 12 May 2012 (UTC)

All right, I believe I've addressed all your concerns. Thank you for reviewing this!--Gen. Quon (talk) 14:57, 12 May 2012 (UTC)