Talk:Precipice (Battlestar Galactica)/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Queenieacoustic (talk) 11:27, 11 May 2011 (UTC)

I'll review this later today or tomorrow. Queenieacoustic (talk) 11:27, 11 May 2011 (UTC)

Comments

Plot

1. ...but leader Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan) refuses to abandon it. Replace "it" with what is being addressed (mission?).
2. ...most of the arrests take place during the nighttime. The nighttime" sounds awkward. Drop the "the".
3. When he refuses to sign, an Aaron Doral (Matthew Bennett) copy forces him to at gunpoint. Don't you mean "clone!"? A "copy" sounds more like the duplicate of a material, rather than a human.

   No, they're copies. They never use the word clone in the series. And they are materials, they may sound and look human but they were really made by machines (Cylons).

4. At the moment, "Galactica" links to a disambiguation page. Also, why is it italicized? It's in normal style in the first paragraph of the Production section.

   I always italicise ship names, as Wikipedia does this to real ships. Look up HMS Belfast (C35) for instance. As for the other part, another editor took the liberty to fix the dablink.

5. On board Galactica Admiral William Adama... Add a comma after "Galactica".

   Done this section. -- Matthew RD 06:28, 14 May 2011 (UTC)

Production

1. "Occupation" should be wiki-linked, as should "Grace Park" in the image caption, as well as "second season".

   Wikilinking an image caption is unnecessary. Plus she was already linked in the plot section, so I won't link her again, per WP:REPEATLINK.

2. Since the previous episode, "Occupation" featured more about the resistance, Moore wanted the second part to focus more on Jammer's role within the NCP, as he wanted to personalize somebody working for the police force. Who is Moore? Since this is the first time (s)he is mentioned in the article, you should wiki-link and explain who (s)he is. The beginning of the sentence sounds a bit awkward. Either put a comma after "Occupation", or write something like "Since 'Occupation', the previous episode,..." etc. Also "featured more about" sounds a bit awkward as well. "Revolved around", or something similar, sounds better.

   Ronald D. Moore, the creator mentioned on the lead section? Anyway I added full name.

3. Madeline Parker was cast as Kacey Brynn. The performance of the child actress impressed the producers, as they believed she was "one of the better child actors" they ever worked with, since casting them, especially at a younger age, was not easy. You should probably mention that Parker is a child actor right away, to eliminate confusion.
4. After a Number Eight (Sharon) Cylon model was imprisoned onboard Galactica for the majority of the second season, the producers decided they needed to have her released, since they believed storyline ran its course, and make her worthy for Adama's trust. Doesn't "and make her..." fit better before "the producers decided..."? Also, add "the" before "storyline".

   I don't know how that could work, it would make less sense. Added "the" though.

5. The sequence leading up to the Cylon Centurions going to execute the prisoners was an homage to the end of The Great Escape, where Richard Attenborough's character was taken out in a truck, then the Nazis asked him to take a break and then executed him. The last part (...then the Nazis etc) is poorly written. Needs to be reworded.
6. "tortured the visual effects guys about quite a bit," Looks to me like there's supposed to be an "it" there after "about", or is the text copied and pasted from the source?

   That was quoted from podcast, added [it].

7. The countryside of New Caprica was featured more towards the end of the episode. The producers found it a challenge to differentiate New Caprica from Caprica, which was featured extensively during the first season, and both planets were filmed on location in temperate British Columbia forests. What is Caprica and New Caprica? Remember that someone like me, who has never heard of this series before, should be able to understand the article.

   Done this section. -- Matthew RD 01:52, 15 May 2011 (UTC)

Reception

1. Remember to only italicize magazine titles.
2. "Occupation" and "Precipice" was originally meant to be released as two separate episodes... Instead of "was", write "were".
3. ...and the episode and "Occupation"... Poorly worded. For example, you could write something like "and that the episode, along with 'Occupation'..." etc.
4. In 2007, the episode has been nominated... Tense issues. Write "was nominated" instead.
5. It was also nominated for a Writers Guild of America Award for best Episodic Drama. Replace "It" with "Precipice", so that the reader doesn't confuse "It with the Sopranos episode.

Lead

1. The episode was written by re-imagined creator Ronald D. Moore... What does "re-imagined director" mean?

   It means Moore was the creator of the re-imagined series. I assume this statement was a no-brainer. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

   Then you should write "re-imagined series creator", otherwise it looks like the creator was re-imagined. Queenieacoustic (talk) 12:24, 15 May 2011 (UTC)

2. In the episode... Again, since "Occupation" is mentioned right before, it would probably be less confusing to write "In 'Precipice'...".

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

3. ...the Cylons respond to the suicide attack on the previous episode... Awkwardely worded; this text makes it look as if the episode was suicide attacked. Try "in" rather than "on".

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

4. Since "Occupation" was featured more on the resistance... "Revolved around" sounds better than "was featured more on" to me.

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

5. ..."Precipice" was to focus more on the New Caprica Police and Jammer's role in it. "Was to" makes it sound like the episode was cancelled. Just "focused" sounds better.

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

6. It was also decided to release the Sharon model imprisoned on Galactica. Again, "It was" sounds clunky in the context of the sentence. Since the producers decided it, write that they did.

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

7. During the writing process, Moore made references to Seinfeld and The Great Escape. Do you mean that the episode included references to Seinfeld and The Great Escape? That Moore made references to them during the writing process sounds as if he cracked jokes with the other writers.

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

8. The episode was seen by 2.2 million viewers and received universal acclaim by critics. "from critics" sounds better.

   Done. -- Matthew RD 03:18, 13 May 2011 (UTC)

So there you go! My review of "Precipice"! While there are some minor problems here and there, I'd say his article is solid, and was a joy to read. I'll put it on hold for seven days so that you can make the necessary changes. Good luck! Queenieacoustic (talk) 15:35, 12 May 2011 (UTC)

OK, I have addressed all your concerns above. Thanks for the very thorough review. -- Matthew RD 02:29, 15 May 2011 (UTC)

Well, it's been seven days. I've looked through the article and it looks good to me, certainly GA quality. Pass! Queenieacoustic (talk) 13:51, 19 May 2011 (UTC)