Talk:Rendez Vous (Inna song)/GA1
Latest comment: 6 years ago by Aoba47 in topic GA Review
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA Review
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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 01:39, 9 November 2017 (UTC)
- Grabbing this for review if that is okay with you. Aoba47 (talk) 01:39, 9 November 2017 (UTC)
- Lead and infobox
- Instead of “her eponymous and fourth studio album”, I would use “her self-titled fourth studio album” as it is more concise and reads better.
Not done That may surprise you, but "eponymous" is the more encyclopedic way of saying "self-titled". "Self-titled" would be rather colloquial. Cartoon network freak (talk) 13:55, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- I think either one is fine to be honest, but it is a stylistic choice so I will let it stand. Aoba47 (talk) 15:45, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- Instead of “and its Japanese counterpart”, I would use “and its Japanese version”. The word “counterpart” sounds a little odd in this context.
- Not done Body and the Sun is more than just a Japanese version. Body and the Sun and Inna are kind of two separate albums, if you want, that are connected to each other. You may read through this for further clarification. Cartoon network freak (talk) 13:55, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- I still find the word "counterpart" to be rather vague in the context of albums. When looking through the article and comparing the track listing, this seems more like a reissue rather than two separate albums (similar to Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded). Aoba47 (talk) 15:45, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
Done I feel like we're going into different things right now, but I agree with you that "version" would be better than "counterpart" now. Cartoon network freak (talk) 16:39, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- It is all about the same issue as the identification of the album is important. I just don't believe that "Body and the Sun and Inna are kind of two separate albums" as you have claimed above. I think "version" is fine here though. Aoba47 (talk) 16:45, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- For this part (Released for digital download on 12 February 2016 through), I would add a link for “digital download”.
- I would specify in the lead what number single this is from the album if possible.
- Not done Singles were released from both Body and the Sun and Inna, so to write what single it is would be confusing. Again, read through the article if you feel like you need further clarification. Cartoon network freak (talk) 13:55, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- In this part (it samples Mr. President's "Coco Jamboo" (1996), for which Rainer Gaffrey, Kai Matthiesen and Delroy Rennalls received writing credits.), it reads that the identified individuals received writing credit for “Coco Jamboo”. It needs to be revised to make it clear that they received writing credit on the song due to the use of the sample.
- Done Please check it out. Cartoon network freak (talk) 13:55, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- I would make the release date/format into its own separate sentence (and the number of the single if known) and make the sample part its own sentence as well. The way that the ideas are currently jointed together reads a little awkwardly.
- Not done I can't include the number of the single, as said above, but I changed the sentence to read better. Cartoon network freak (talk) 13:55, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- Then you still need to make it clear in the lead and the article that this was released as a single. Right now, it is only mentioned in the infobox. Aoba47 (talk) 15:47, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- Done Added that it was released as a single. Cartoon network freak (talk) 16:39, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- For this part ("Rendez Vous" was further written by), I am not sure if “further written” is correct. It suggests that the previous individuals specifically wrote this song and then the other people joined in the process somewhere further down the line (which is not correct). I would just removed the word “further”.
- For this part (by Schuller under the name Axident and Troelsen), I would change it to (Troelsen and Schuller under the name Axident) to avoid a possible misreading of Schuller going under the name “Axident and Troelsen” as opposed to just “Axident”.
- The link for “Axident” is unnecessary as you already have Schuller linked so please remove it.
- I am a little confused by this part (Inna singing about meeting the man she loves in the summer.). Do you mean “loved in the summer” like she is talking about a past event?
- Done Xou're right; changed that. Cartoon network freak (talk) 16:39, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- I do not think you need to include the Billboard reference in the lead as the information should be found and cited in the body of the article itself.
- I would add a link for the word “refrain”.
- Composition and release
- Same comment about linked Schuller twice applies here. Remove the second link.
- For this part (both Copenhagen and Ibiza), you can add a link to both geographic areas if you wish.
- I would add a link for the word “refrain”.
- I have the same issue that I have with the wording of the writing credits for “Coco Jamboo” from the lead in this section. Please revise the sentence to make it read better.
- I have a similar issue from the lead with this sentence (Lyrically, Inna sings nostalgically about meeting the man she loves in the summer). Do you mean “loved” instead of “loves”?
- Done Yes, I do ;) Cartoon network freak (talk) 18:03, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- I am not sure what is meant by the “spring sound” quote.
- I also don't know what the quote means. I think, though, that the reviewer wants to say that the sound is very new and hype (?!) Cartoon network freak (talk) 18:03, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- I do not believe the “qualitative" is necessary, and I think you can paraphrase it.
- I would spell the acronym EP (extended play) on its first use and link it.
- Please add ALT text to the image.
- Music video
- For this part (Inna hinted the release of an), “hinted” should be “hinted at”.
- I am confused by the chronology of the first paragraph. In the second sentence, you say this (She already announced that the video was finished in a YouTube video released in October 2015). It implies to me that she already confirmed that there would be a music video. But, in the first sentence, you say that she hinted at a music video at a later time. For the first sentence, is she hinting at the location for the music video rather than the video itself? I would make this clearer as it is confusing.
- Done I changed this per your suggestion. It makes sense now that you noticed it. Cartoon network freak (talk) 18:03, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- Move the “Costa Rica” link up to its first use.
- For this part (The visual begins with Inna driving a car containing two women), I would change “containing” to “with”. The word choice “containing” here gives off a more negative connotation. I would change this part (Inna driving a car containing two women and arriving at a beach.) as a whole to (Inna driving a car to the beach with two female friends).
- For this part ( She encounters a few males ), I would change “males” to “men” as “males” sounds weird in this context.
- For this part (After the singer makes appearance at a party at night), it should read as “an appearance”. Also, what do you mean by “makes an appearance”? Is she just attending the party? Is she performing/singing at the party? I would change “makes an appearance” to something else to make the context clearer.
- Done Changed with "attending" as she doesn't do anything else there. Cartoon network freak (talk) 18:03, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- For this sentence (Cut scenes consist of various shots of her at the beach and in a cornfield.), I am not sure what you mean by “cut scenes”. I would change it to “During the video, Inna is also shown in a cornfield”. I do not see the need to repeat that there are shots of her at the beach as that has already been established at that point.
- The phrasing for this (—although feeling it had a low budget) is awkward and requires revision.
- I would change this (he went on criticizing some aspects) to (he criticized) just to be more direct.
- This sentence (However, he went on criticizing some aspects for "lack[ing] depth", "The field where Inna performs is probably where the video loses the audience's interest. She looks sexy as always and yet once again is given no choreography and the camera angles just doesn't work for her. It's almost as if she doesn't know what to do in front of the camera”) as a whole needs to be completely overhauled as you are just throwing in two quotes without fully contextualizing either of them. The sentence is also poorly constructed.
- Not done I don't know what you mean here. I think the quotes are just right for describing the "lack of depth and plot". Cartoon network freak (talk) 18:03, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- References
- Please addressed the “Cite uses deprecated parameter |trans_title=“ notices.
- Final comments
- Once my comments are addressed, I will be more than happy to look through this again and either provide more comments if necessary or promote this. Good luck with the revisions! Aoba47 (talk) 02:04, 9 November 2017 (UTC)
- @Aoba47: I think all is Done/answered to right now. Please double-check everything. A big THANK YOU for your time!!
Cartoon network freak (talk) 18:03, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- Thank you for addressing all of my points. I will ✓ Pass this. This was an interesting read, and I always enjoy reading your work on here. Have a great rest of your day! Aoba47 (talk) 18:10, 11 November 2017 (UTC)
- @Aoba47: I think all is
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.