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Talk:Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce/GA1

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Latest comment: 4 years ago by Journalist in topic GA Review

GA Review

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Latest comment: 4 years ago28 comments3 people in discussion
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Reviewer: Sportsfan77777 (talk · contribs) 01:36, 27 June 2020 (UTC)Reply

I'll review this! Did you want to take it to FAC afterwards? If so, I can leave comments at that level. Sportsfan77777 (talk) 01:36, 27 June 2020 (UTC)Reply

Thanks for reviewing. Hope it passes :). Yes, I’d really appreciate feedback geared towards bringing it to Featured status. Journalist . talk 02:22, 27 June 2020 (UTC)Reply

Lead

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  • The structure of the lead is fine as is. Nonetheless, I would generally recommend structuring the first paragraph so that after the first sentence, you state Fraser-Pryce's biggest accomplishments (kind of like the current second paragraph). Then in the second paragraph, start with "Born and raised in Kingston..." and then go through everything chronologically (like you do in the current first paragraph).
  • Per WP:CITELEAD, you don't need any citations in the lead. The ones that are already in the rest of the article can just be removed. The others can just be moved to the rest of the article.
  • The first time you mention "100 m", it should be spelled out as "100 metres".
  • The first time you mention a time, it should be spelled out as "seconds" instead of just "s".
    • Updated 3rd and 4th point. Kept a footnote in the lead because I used a direct quote (if you still prefer removing, I will). For the first recommendation, I'll try to rewrite, although preference is to keep current structure==>Tell who she is, then sum up her achievements afterwards. To that end, she's probably most known (at least back home in JA) as the first woman to win Olympic gold. Thanks!

Early life

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  • Mention her father's name? (similar to LeBron James)
  • at age 21"," after she met "Coach" Stephen Francis ===>>> at age 21 after she met coach Stephen Francis
  • "for" the 2007 World Championships ===>>> at the 2007 World Championships in Osaka.

2008

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  • 2008 Olympics ===>>> "2008 Beijing Olympics" OR "2008 Olympics in Beijing"
  • both women clocked 10.98 s ===>>> both women were timed at 10.98 s ("clocked" sounds informal)
  • Now a more confident young sprinter ===>>> Now a more established young sprinter ("confident" sounds informal unless it's from something she said?)

2010

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  • With the way the section header is written, "Suspension" shouldn't be capitalized.
    • Done
  • I would put something like the last sentence at the beginning ===>>> "In May 2010, Fraser-Pryce was suspended from athletics for six months after one of her urine samples taken at the Shanghai Diamond League event was found to contain oxycodone".
    • Done
  • "Oxycodone is a painkiller that..." ===>>> "Although oxycodone is banned, it is a painkiller that..."
    • Done
  • Small note: I don't think oxycodone needs to be capitalized.
    • Done
  • I think she got married before she resumed competing? (see this article)
    • Her suspension expired Jan 7, and she got married Jan 8.
  • the sixth fastest time of the year <<<=== clarify that she was the sixth fastest athlete of the year
    • Done
  • In the World Championships 100 m final ===>>> In the In the 100 m final at the World Championships
    • Done
  • Veronica Campbell-Brown and Tobagonian Kelly-Ann Baptiste ===>>> compatriot Veronica Campbell-Brown and Kelly-Ann Baptiste of Trinidad and Tobago (a few minor things: state the country Baptiste is representing. Also, avoid WP:SEAOFBLUE. Then, I suggested adding "compatriot" to make it clear that they are not both from Trinidad and Tobago)
    • Done
  • Daegu 2011 ===>>> The Deagu event in 2011
    • Done
  • You can combine the last two paragraphs.
    • Could do, but my intention was to keep them separate because they deal with different ideas: preparation ahead of the championships vs her performance at the championships. I read aloud as a full paragraph and it sounded awkward, but let me know what you think. Thanks!

2012

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  • among the forefront ===>>> at the forefront OR part of the forefront
    • Done.
  • four years ago ===>>> four years earlier
    • Done
  • 4 x 100 m (the relay medal was later rescinded) <<<=== the link should be on "4 x 100 m relay", not "rescinded"
    • Done
  • record-breaking performances at each matchup ===>>> record-breaking performances at each event
    • Done
  • For the upcoming London Olympics, the rivalry had once again taken centre stage ===>>> Ahead of the London Olympics, the rivalry once again took centre stage in athletics
    • Done
  • landed her at number-four on the all-time list ===>>> and moved her up to fourth on the all-time list of fastest 100 m times.
    • Done
  • second fastest woman of all time ===>>> second fastest woman of all-time
    • Comment: For this one, I wouldn't recommend hyphenating the word. It's based on use and context (whether it comes before or after the adjective/noun it's modifying)==> "she is the greatest of all time" vs "she's an all-time great".
  • quickest from the blocks, leaning ===>>> quickest from the blocks, and ultimately leaned
    • Done
  • in fact, she had defeated the fastest ever 100 m field ===>>> (start a new sentence) She had also placed first in the fastest ever 100 m field (I don't think she defeated the field, because she was part of the field.)
    • I can try rewriting this. However, "beat the field", "demolished the field" (although the last one sounds a bit dramatic) is a very common expression in competitive races (track, swimming, athletics etc). It has quite a few hits in Google. Although my preference is to keep, let me know if you still require it to be changed. I started it as a new sentence, per your recommendation.
  • Their 41.41 s ===>>> Their 41.41 s time
    • Fixed
  • Jamaica had another strong showing at the Olympics <<<=== clarify "in athletics" and link "Jamaica" instead of "strong showing"
    • Done
  • unbroken streak <<<=== I don't like "unbroken" here. It's redundant with "streak"
    • Does "winning streak" work here? "Continued his streak on the men's side" is awkward in terms of syntax.
  • Samsung Diamond League <<<=== I'd suggest using just "Diamond League" or "IAAF Diamond League" and leave off the sponsor name (The Tennis WikiProject uses that policy at least.)
    • Done
  • she enjoyed Diamond League wins <<<=== Link the 2013 Diamond League
    • Done
  • Fraser-Pryce boasted the three fastest times <<<=== Instead of "boasted", "posted" or "recorded" maybe?
    • Done

2014

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  • In the section header: "indoor debut" should be lowercase
  • the seventh fastest in history at the time ===>>> made her the seventh fastest in history at the time
  • world titles at the 60 m ===>>> world titles in the 60 m
  • 10.7s ===>>> 10.7 s
    • Updated all except the last point. In this context, she stated that she was tired of 10.7s (as plural, not 10.7 seconds). I'll see if I can find a video of her talking about it. Journalist . talk 14:56, 16 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

2016

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  • In the section header, "split from coach" ===>>> "brief split from coach"
  • Link Prefontaine Classic.
  • as top contender ===>>> as the top contender
  • only the eighth fastest time of the year ===>>> making her only the eighth fastest athlete of the year
  • she also dropped out of contention for the 200 m ===>>> she decided to not contest the 200 m
  • In the last paragraph, you don't need to preface her split with her coach with the rumours that she was going to split with her coach (especially since she confirmed it that same month)

2018

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  • 10.98 in London ===>>> 10.98 in London in July
  • in a new championship ===>>> setting a new championship
  • (Thompson finished fourth.) <<<=== leave out the parentheses
  • She is currently training ===>>> She is training (see WP:RELTIME)

Personal life

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Legacy

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  • number-two ===>>> number two
  • The fastest mother in history, she is also the oldest female sprinter ===>>> She is the fastest mother in history and also the oldest female sprinter

Technique

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  • I would suggest moving this subsection into a separate section after the Legacy section. So overall, it would be Legacy, Technique, and then Personal life.
  • is her explosive starts (drive phase) ===>>> is her explosive starts in the drive phase
  • 10.40 s – 10.60 s ===>>> 10.40 to 10.60 s
  • 20–40 m ===>>> 20 to 40 m

Awards

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Statistics

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  • In the personal bests, put the wind speeds in a separate column (or the notes?) and state somewhere that it is the wind speed
  • "All information taken from World Athletics profile." <<<=== Cite her profile here.
  • You don't need refs in the season best table. Cite this in small text at the end.
    • Updated the first two. For the season's best table, my dilemma is that the website requires the reader to enter each year manually. If you still recommend using one link only, would be happy to. Please confirm. Thanks!
    • Added the citation to the lead sentence before the table. Are you able to let me know if that's acceptable, or if you still prefer small text. Journalist . talk 02:41, 20 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

Overall

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  • I wrote this up a few days ago, so maybe some things are already different.
  • For places with multiple references, the references should be in numerical order. There are at least a few times where they are not.
    • All done.

The article is in pretty good shape for GA standard, and I think it's on track for FA standard as well. All of the comments are minor. Placing on hold. Sportsfan77777 (talk) 21:25, 15 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll get started on this immediately. I'll respond or leave comments below your original comment if necessary. Journalist . talk

SFB comments

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@Journalist: Per request I've reviewed the article. I also did some minor clean-up where I felt it didn't warrant discussion[1]. Not too much left to do here, but there are still a few issues and omissions. Ping me back once you've had time to review and respond to the below. Thanks! SFB 21:06, 23 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

  • Lead
    • "first woman to achieve a "sprint triple" at a single World Championship" – Allyson Felix won three sprint golds in 2007. Best to rephrase this as the first woman to win a triple in those events.
    • "(better known as "Champs")" – This is a nation-specific name, better to state known in Jamaica (or colloquially) as Champs
  • Early life
    • "Fraser-Pryce started taking track seriously at age 21, after she met Stephen Francis at the University of Technology" – this is an oversimplified interpretation and not well supported by the source. Fraser-Pryce was competing in national youth competitions as early as 2002 and began training with Francis after leaving high school in 2006 [2] (i.e. age 19). A more accurate reflection would be that Francis helped Fraser-Pryce improve her technique as a senior athlete.
      • I agree now that this may be an oversimplification. I'll look into expanding it. The source that I cited actually stated verbatim that she started taking it seriously when she met Coach Francis ( so does this interview at 15:00) so that's why I initially included it. I'll try to find more written sources so I can expand on her earlier career though. Journalist . talk 18:26, 24 July 2020 (UTC)Reply
    • A short summary should be given of her youth career from 2002 to 2006, including her two youth international appearances. It is also worth mentioning her first appearance at the senior national championships and the European professional circuit in 2007.
  • Career
    • A key moment in the 2008 Campbell/Fraser selection issue was Campbell's defeat of Fraser in at the London Grand Prix[3]
    • Her win at the 2008 IAAF World Athletics Final is not mentioned.
    • Please include info on Fraser's first national title in 2009[4]
    • Worth mentioning that her results from May to July 2010 were disqualified due to the doping ban
    • "Heading to London, Fraser-Pryce was aiming to defend her Olympic title from 2008 after failing to medal in the world 100 m final in Daegu. However, she faced strong competition from American Carmelita Jeter,[35] the reigning world champion and the second fastest woman of all time.[38][39]" – this is somewhat superfluous and duplicates some of the info in the first paragraph of the 2012 section.
    • More is needed on her 2014. Specifically, she had an injury[5] and won international relay medals at the 2014 IAAF World Relays and 2014 Commonwealth Games.
    • "However, she still planned to contest the sprint double at the 2016 Rio Olympics"/"Fraser-Pryce had record-breaking ambitions for the 2015 World Championships, held at the Beijing National Stadium where she announced herself to the world back in 2008. Not only was she hoping to become the first woman to win three world titles in the 100 m, she was aiming to do so while breaking 10.70 s— her own personal best, Jamaica's national record, and Marion Jones' 16-year-old championship record." – Both these statements are no longer really relevant and can be removed.
    • She also won relay medals at the 2018 NACAC Championships and 2018 Athletics World Cup.
    • Worth mentioning that her 2020 season stopped due to the coronavirus pandemic.
  • Legacy
    • There should be some commentary on reactions to her doping ban (e.g.), plus the various public statements she has made on doping (e.g.).
  • Statistics
    • Any justification as to why the seasonal section does not include her times from 2002 to 2007?
    • Would be good to have a graph for the 200 m too.
    • Her medals at the 2014 IAAF World Relays and the 2018 Athletics World Cup are omitted from her international competitions.
    • These are also omitted from the medal record in the infobox. I generally suggest to include all senior international medals in those tallies.

@Sillyfolkboy: Thanks so much for all your feedback. They're quite substantial, so it will take me a while to get through them and update the article accordingly. Thanks again—really appreciate it. Journalist . talk 02:36, 24 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

@Sillyfolkboy: I think I have addressed all the above comments. If anything is missing or lacking, please don't hesitate to ping me. Also, I wanted to thank both you and @Sportsfan77777: for all your feedback. I enjoyed working on this and learned even more about Fraser-Pryce, who's become my idol over the past year. Again, please be as critical as you need to so I can improve this article to its highest level. Journalist . talk 22:51, 29 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

Thanks again for all your help and feedback! I’ll wait to see if Sportsfan777 has any further concerns! Journalist . talk 00:41, 31 July 2020 (UTC)Reply

Hi Journalist, I'll look through it again on Tuesday. I've been busy in real life. Glad to see the recent edits on the lead! Sportsfan77777 (talk) 05:09, 9 August 2020 (UTC)Reply
Journalist, I copy-edited the article. Feel feel to look it over and change things. The lead looks better! I might suggest adding a sentence or two on Jamaica's dominance over the sprints with Fraser-Pryce and Bolt. Sportsfan77777 (talk) 08:27, 12 August 2020 (UTC)Reply
Sportsfan77777, thanks so much for the edits–much appreciated. Looked it over and made a few tweaks here and there. Let me know if you disagree with any of them. For the lead, I'm a little bit cautious about adding Usain Bolt. He's mentioned quite liberally throughout the article, and ironically, the article itself mentions how he has overshadowed her. I think mentioning him in the lead in her own biography would just reinforce this. My rationale for including him in the article was to juxtapose their careers (they're the same age, won the same titles etc), and to show that she's worthy of the same respect as he is. So my strong preference is to leave him out of the lead, at the very least. Let me know your thoughts. Journalist . talk 14:55, 12 August 2020 (UTC)Reply
  • Sportsfan77777, thanks so much for passing the article and for all your great help! Yes, feel free to list it under those categories/groups. I’ll take the article to FAC in the oncoming weeks. I want to go through it a few times and also see if I can add a few more sources just to cover all my bases. Thanks again! Journalist . talk 15:39, 17 August 2020 (UTC)Reply
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