Talk:Sissy's Magical Ponycorn Adventure/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 09:37, 19 September 2019 (UTC)

Comments

• No need to link common terms like unicorn and pony.

  Fixed.

• "Cassie drew the artwork at the Toronto Game Jam. Afterward, he integrated..." Cassie is a girl. You mean "Afterward, her father" or "Afterward, Ryan..."?

  Fixed.

• "the girl's ambition" not sure what that has to do with reviews of the game. And instead of "the girl" if you stick with this sentence, why not "Cassie's"...

  Fixed.

• Image caption in the infobox is a fragment so doesn't need a period.

  Fixed.

• Probably worth noting in the lead the platforms for which the game was developed.

  Fixed.

• "a graphic adventure game which is reminiscent of graphic adventure games d" repetitive.

  Fixed.

• "though it's significantly less" avoid contractions (it is, not it's), and go for "easier" rather than "less difficult".

  Fixed.

• "Once she has found f..." is that it, the ending is she discovers that Orange Boy was a Ponycorn?

  Added a bit more. After that is just her recapping what happened to various NPCs and celebrating the end of the story.

• "developed by Untold Entertainment Inc. developer" - repetitive.

  Fixed.

• "Ryan was in charge of.." ->" Ryan was responsible for"

  Fixed.

• "while Cassie was in charge of voicing" -> "while Cassie voiced Sissy, drew the artwork, created the non-playable characters, and designing some of the puzzles"

  Fixed.

• "video game.[5][4] " references in numerical order please.

  Fixed.

• "On her first day at the Game Jam, she did six hours of coloring and an hour's worth of voice acting at home" so the voice acting wasn't at Game Jam at all. Needs re-phrasing.

  Fixed.

• "button that viewers may click on and donate money" ->"button to donate money"

  Fixed.

• " It was released on May 24, 2011" reiterate the title, "Sissy's Magical Ponycorn Adventure was released [on platforms] on May 24, 2011."

  Fixed.

• "Ryan wanted to.. " probably better to put this sentence with the rest of the description of the development of the game rather than on its own after the mention of the release.

  Fixed.

• " the daughter's ambition" Cassie's.

  Fixed.

• Kotaku should be in italics.

  Fixed.

• And those remarks like "incredibly sweet" should be in quotes.

  Fixed.

• " and wrote that it took inspiration from My Little Pony and Pokémon" you already said this.

  Fixed.

• Escapist and RPS both should be in italics.

  Fixed.

• "cute.[1][14][7][15] " numerical order.

  Fixed.

• Torontoist - italics.

  Fixed.

• IndieCade capital C.

  Fixed.

• " Backbone Magazine " italics for Backbone and magazine isn't capitalised or part of the link.

  Fixed.

• Check publishers in the references for correct use of italics.

  Fixed.

• Date formats in refs should be consistent, check ref 19 for example vs all the others.

  Fixed.

A way to go on this one so I'll put it on hold while we deal with my first set of review comments. The Rambling Man (Staying alive since 2005!) 19:23, 19 September 2019 (UTC)

I appreciate the hold. I got a little busy with other stuff, but I will get to this as soon as possible. - Bryn (talk) (contributions) 20:54, 21 September 2019 (UTC)

I believe I've addressed all issues. - Bryn (talk) (contributions) 23:15, 22 September 2019 (UTC)

Cool, some thoughts:

• " indie graphical adventure video game " is a WP:SEAOFBLUE with three links in a row, needs rephrasing so we don't get this confusion.
• "Afterward, Ryan integrated" -> "Ryan then integrated..."
• "graphical adventure" or "graphic adventure"? Pick one and be consistent.
• G4TV doesn't need to be italicised.
• RPS has commas.
• Giant Bomb doesn't need italicising.
• Ref 5 and 12 have "accessdate" but nothing to access. If they're not online sources, no need for access dates.

That's it for this pass. The Rambling Man (Staying alive since 2005!) 16:04, 23 September 2019 (UTC)

Fixed these issues. That said, why do Giant Bomb and G4TV not need to be italicized? I used to understand that you only italicized print sources, but then I have been told by multiple reviewers that websites need to be italicized as well, and I'm not sure what is true. - Bryn (talk) (contributions) 16:39, 23 September 2019 (UTC)

I'm only going by what format our own articles on these use. Websites are italicised by certain templates such as {{cite web}} when using the website parameter. It is a topic of ongoing debate! I'll re-review shortly. The Rambling Man (Staying alive since 2005!) 12:05, 24 September 2019 (UTC)

Okay, I made a couple of minor adjustments, but I think it's just about there now, so I'm promoting. Good work. The Rambling Man (Staying alive since 2005!) 20:11, 24 September 2019 (UTC)