Talk:Tashy Bohm/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: PCN02WPS (talk · contribs) 23:36, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

Hi there, I'll review this article. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 23:36, 26 July 2022 (UTC)

I've added comments below, thanks for your patience. There is a bit of work to do with this one; the reading can get a bit difficult as the prose is quite dense with numbers and figures, but I'm not sure if there is a way to avoid that given the subject of the text. Is there any information available on what she's done after college? Did she ever compete professionally (or at all) after college? Anything on family, a career, or "personal life" in general afterwards? If not, that's alright (though a little disappointing), as some information in that vein would avoid having the article end suddenly after she leaves college despite the fact that she's lived over 20 years since then. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 04:39, 4 August 2022 (UTC)

Lead

• Swim strokes should be linked: Backstroke, Freestyle swimming, Butterfly stroke
  • Thx.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:16, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
• The lead reads sort of as a list of all of her accomplishments rather than as an overall summary of the article, perhaps a few more (chronological) details could be added to make it flow a little?
  • Not sure what additional details you think are relevant, but I have reorganized the WP:LEAD.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:01, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
• "2000 & 2001" → "2000 and 2001" per MOS:AMP
  • Done.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:35, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
• "200 backstroke, and 2001 4x200 freestyle relay" → give units here (yards/meters)
  • Sources often omit the measurement. I think this is to avoid confusion/misreporting. Swimming is a bit like boxing because there are 4 competitions for each special event. Pools are either 25 or 50 units long (short and long course) and the measurement unit can either be yards or meters. Olympic size pools are 50 meter pools. Most NCAA events are yards. Other events can be either. The sources do not present the units, so I omit them.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:25, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
    • Since NCAA swimming is in yards, I changed this.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:50, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "100 backstroke" → add yards

High school career

• "She established national state and local records in high school." → this sentence needs commas
  • This sentence was moved and fixed.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:18, 5 August 2022 (UTC)
• "short course 100-meter backstroke record" → for readers not familiar with swimming (myself included), what is a short course backstroke?
  • I have linked short course.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:50, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
• "until Morris County's Lauren English posted a 1:04.23 time on February 7, 2004, at the Morris County Championships, according to the National Interscholastic Swimming Coaches Association (NISCA)." → IMO, everything that isn't bolded here is superfluous information that isn't directly relevant to Bohm herself
  • Morris County's is included to show the "national" record was broken by someone from her own county, but I only need Morris County once in the sentence. I will preserve the later use.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 04:55, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
  • I have included the National element of this record since it seems to only be held and challenged by New Jersey swimmers. This is curious to me. What it suggest is that of the four formats (SCY, SCM, LCY and LCM) that the 100 backstroke is contested in, it must be the case that the only place where American high schoolers contest this distance on an official SCM pool is in New Jersey. There must be very few SCM pools used for official American high school races. I want to make it clear this is recognized as a National record although only New Jersians seem to contest this format.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:03, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
• "by New Jersian Jennelle Ritchie at 1:04.86 and surpassed by New Jersian Kelly Hecking" → I'm not sure that including "New Jersian" is relevant here other than to point out that they happened to be from the same state as Bohm.
  • By pointing all of this out, the reader should realize that this format of the 100 backstroke (SCM), is basically only contested among high schoolers in New Jersey since only New Jersians have held the record. So it is a "National" record that is more like a state record.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 09:46, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
• "New Jersian Lisa Iori had held the record" → same as above
  • See above.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 09:46, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
• "As her Morris County Championship records were broken, there was press about it." → this is an awkward sentence, especially after the comma
  • I have tried to rephrase this point.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 10:29, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
• "100 yard backstroke" → needs hyphen to read "100-yard backstroke"

ok-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:21, 12 August 2022 (UTC)

• "In the 1997 NJSIAA meet Hecking eclipsed 3-time defending champion Bohm's 56.99 state record with a 55.94 in the prelims and then beat Bohm by a 55.64 to 56.84 margin in the finals." → I feel as though this sentence is more about Hecking than Bohm; from a copyediting standpoing this needs a comma after "meet" and "3-time defending champion" can be eliminated since that is mentioned a few sentences prior
  • Attempted rephrasing.-11:19, 6 August 2022 (UTC)
• "Shannon Lynch in the 100 butterfly" → need to specify meters or yards here since both are used in this section

ok-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 12:21, 12 August 2022 (UTC)

• "by a 57.59 to 57.69 margin." → a margin is not given here, just the competitors' times; for ease of comprehension I'd keep "margin" and just change it to "by a margin of 0.1 seconds"
  • done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:20, 8 August 2022 (UTC)
• "Despite having the fourth fastest seeding run in the 50m" → hyphen between "fourth-fastest" and "50m" should be expanded to "50-meter"
  • Thx.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:23, 8 August 2022 (UTC)
• "in the 100 backstroke. She was an All-American honorable mention in the 100 butterfly" → need units for both races
  • Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:26, 8 August 2022 (UTC)

College career

• It's introduced in the lead, but the fact that she went to Northwestern should be reiterated here before jumping into school records. Is there any media coverage of her decision to attend NU? (If not, that's alright, it would just add some more detail here.) Also Northwestern University should be linked again here.
  • No media, but other suggestions handled.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 05:49, 8 August 2022 (UTC)
• In this whole section, hyphens should be used for race distances (e.g. 100-yard backstroke, 100-meter freestyle, etc.) per the table at MOS:UNITNAMES, which says To form a value and a unit name into a compound adjective use a hyphen or hyphens...
  • O.K.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 10:23, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "55.05 in the 100 yard backstroke 2000" → word(s) missing between "backstroke" and "2000"
  • O.K.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 10:23, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "and as a member of the 2000 4x100 yard medley relay team (Bohm, Balcerzak, Adams, Allen) 3:37.99" → this is worded awkwardly; the time is thrown in at the end and seems out of place, and the names listed are not really practically useful if there are no first names or links as the reader cannot be reasonably expected to know who these people are
  • Fixed.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 10:23, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "Bohm's 100 yard backstroke time was .10 off " → change to "0.10" as a lead zero is required per MOS:DECIMAL
  • Thx.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 10:29, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "of Dominique Diezi school record 1998 time" → "Diezi" needs to be possessive with "'s" added, and IMO the sentence would flow better if you moved "1998" to be before "school"
  • Thx.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 10:29, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "and remained the second fastest time until" → add hyphen to "second-fastest"
  • done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:03, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "and pushed her time down to 54.01 in 2011" → I don't think this is necessary to include since Engstrom's record progression didn't affect Bohm - Engstrom had already beaten Bohm's time in 2008 so Engstrom improving on her own time doesn't make any impact on Bohm
  • O.k.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:21, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "the Big Ten Championships 1998–2000" → this is awkward and reads like a word is missing; I'd recommend expanding to "the Big Ten Championships from 1998 to 2000"
  • O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:30, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "placing 47th in the 100 m backstroke (1:05.75) and 59th in the 200m backstroke" → display of units should be consistent here and within paragraph/article
  • Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:32, 9 August 2022 (UTC)
• "while being the team's stylistic jester" → what does this mean?
  • Hear is the source:"Bohm acted as the team clown. For the 200 back final, she made her way to the blocks in obnoxious, striped socks, with her pants rolled up and “goofy” things in her hair. And throughout the weekend, she wore large purple sunglasses and a purple crown." Please give me advice on how to summarize this content if relevant.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:09, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "At the 2001 NCAA Division I Women's Swimming and Diving Championships Bohm, achieved her second" → comma should be after "Championships", not after "Bohm"
  • Thx.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:13, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "Hecking would also earn a second 200 backstroke..." → this sentence is unnecessary in my opinion as it is only about Hecking and isn't directly relevant to Bohm.
  • I have shortened this content, let me know if this is OK.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:13, 12 August 2022 (UTC)

Notes

• "August 1–4, 1995" → comma after "1995" per MOS:DATECOMMA
  • done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:33, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "April 5 & 6, 1995" → use endash instead of ampersand, also add comma per above
  • done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:33, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "August 2–5, 1994" → comma per above
  • done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:33, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "April 13 & 14, 1994" → comma and endash as above
  • done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:33, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
• "August 9–16, 2000" → comma
  • done-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 11:33, 12 August 2022 (UTC)

• User:PCN02WPS, I am ready for some feedback.-TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 14:19, 12 August 2022 (UTC)
  • I've gone through your changes and the reasoning you've given and I'm happy with it. I appreciate the explanations you've left here and I think the article is in good enough shape to give it a pass. Well done. PCN02WPS (talk | contribs) 21:05, 15 August 2022 (UTC)

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.