Talk:Tomba!/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Shooterwalker (talk · contribs) 19:04, 30 June 2021 (UTC)

I'm going to take this one on. It might take me a while, and if I don't get to it within a week, feel free to ping me. It should be sooner than that hopefully. Shooterwalker (talk) 19:04, 30 June 2021 (UTC)

Off the bat, the article appears neutral and stable. The article is on its way but needs some work in the prose. I'm going to work through it section by section, then come back to the lead once the body of the article is solid. I'll try to look at the sources as I go.

Gameplay

• Even the instruction manual needs a complete reference template, including author, publisher, and date.
• In general, look for ways to say the same thing in fewer, simpler words. There are some free online tools for this if you look for them.
• "The semi-open world can be explored freely once the areas are unlocked as the story progresses." -> the last part, "once the areas are unlocked" and "as the story progresses" are separate ideas that sort of confuse each other. Is the open world unlocked all at once, area-by-area?
• "although he can occasionally move between the foreground and background and explore each as separate areas" -> this sounds like a distinguishing feature from other standard 2D platformers, and should be explained more clearly. Consider pulling it out into its own sentence to give yourself room to explain it.
• "leaping onto their back, biting into them and tossing them in a straightforward trajectory" -> "or" might be more appropriate than "and"? Right now it sounds like this is all one single long attack, when I think you mean to present these as separate options.
• "Tomba can increase the variety in his offensive measures by obtaining weapons such as flails and boomerangs" -> "Tomba can also attack enemies by obtaining various weapons, such as flails and boomerangs." (say it more plainly)
• When you introduce events as a concept, I'd start with the second part (examples of what you might do), and then explain where they come from after.
• "the player is rewarded an amount of Adventure Points" -> "the player is rewarded with Adventure Points"
• "which can be used to advance toward a new area" -> are they spending points to unlock areas? There's probably a clearer / shorter way to say this
• "that compiles the immediate given set of events for review as well as a collection of the items that have been obtained." -> "that displays the player's current collection of items and events."
• "If Tomba is hit by an enemy character, falls into deep water or touches a sharp surface, he will lose one vitality point." -> "Tomba loses a vitality point if he is hit by an enemy, touches a sharp object, or falls into deep water."
• The image used has a justified fair use rationale. Consider a more descriptive image caption, especially for people on small browsers like phones. Just describing the gameplay (running, jumping) gives it more context.

Plot

• "Tomba's bracelet, an heirloom from his grandfather, is absconded following a confrontation with a group of evil Koma Pigs" -> "The game begins when a group of evil Koma Pigs take Tomba's bracelet, an heirloom from his grandfather."
• "He ventures to a nearby village in his pursuit," -> "Tomba pursues them to a nearby village,"
• "The Wise Man relates to Tomba the story of how the Seven Evil Pigs, the leaders of the Koma Pigs, appeared and used their powers to tarnish the land" -> "The Wise Man tells the story of the Seven Evil Pigs, the leaders of the Koma Pigs who tarnished the land with their magical powers."
• "He explains that the Koma Pigs have been stockpiling gold (which is later clarified to be the source of their magic powers[13])," -> "He later reveals that the Koma Pigs are stockpiling gold, the source of their magic." (full stop)
• "and surmises that Tomba will find his bracelet if he seeks out the Seven Evil Pigs hiding throughout the land" -> "The Wise Man advises Tomba to find his bracelet by finding the Seven Evil Pigs hiding throughout the land."
• "To aid in this endeavor, the Wise Man informs Tomba of the Evil Pig Bags capable of revealing the Evil Pigs' hiding places and capturing them, and tells him to seek out the Dwarf Elder in the nearby forest to learn more about the Evil Pig Bags." -> "He also describes the Evil Pig Bags that could reveal the Pigs' hiding places, and suggests learning more from the Dwarf Elder in the next village."
• "The Dwarf Elder gives Tomba a blue Pig Bag and tells him that the Evil Pig Bags have the power to manifest the entrance to an Evil Pig's hideout if Tomba is to draw near to it, but also that the individual Evil Pigs do not hide in the same area that they have cast their specific spell." -> this sentence is a little long and repeats a lot of proper nouns. I think there's a simpler way to say it, even if it ends up being two shorter sentences.
• "ventures throughout" -> "explores"
• I get that you're trying to organize a lot of information into a "list": a type of bag, a type of level, and a type of disaster. But this sentence is really long and difficult to read. Consider whether you absolutely need to include all that detail. If you still think the detail matters, maybe find a way to rephrase or re-organize using shorter sentences.

Development and release

• You introduce Tokuro Fujiwara without giving any context about who he is. Perhaps start with the idea, "Tomba was created by Tokuro Fujiwara, after he left his job as a game developer with Capcom."
• "and would act as the director" -> "and became the director"
• "On his choice to make a 2D side-scrolling game, Fujiwara stated that a two-dimensional presentation was fundamental to the experience of video games, and that the format was a straightforward way to please and excite players." -> do a new paragraph here, for organization. Simpler version: "Fujiwara chose to make a side-scrolling game as he believed this fundamental experience would excite players in a straightforward way."
• "Fujiwara placed an emphasis on thinking and decision-making on the players' behalf and cultivated a highly flexible and free environment within the game," -> I'm not sure this says anything at all. It could be cut without losing much meaning in the larger sentence, and allow you to rewrite the rest of the sentence in a more readable way.
• Is the music so important to the game that it needs to be pulled from the primary source? Are there any secondary sources that discuss the importance of the music to the development of the game?
• It's better to just have two sections for "Development" and "Release", than to jam it into one section under a title joined by "and"
• "extremely limited" -> can we just say "limited"?
• Were they distributed and also offered as prizes, or were the prizes the only distribution?
• "Visual improvements were added to the international version of Tomba!, including Gouraud shading on background elements. Additionally, the controls were made more responsive and the load times had been reduced." -> "The international release was improved, with shorter load times, more responsive controls, Gouraud shading on background elements, and other visual improvements."
• Again, it's not clear that the music is important enough to bring up, and this could be an issue of WP:UNDUE weight.
• Perhaps move the release date for the international versions to before the description of what the international versions include.
• "spent the course of a year" -> "spent one year"
• "The involved parties elected to hold off on extending their relationship beyond Tomba! until" -> this is wordy too. Are you saying they waited to see if a sequel was worth developing?

Reception

• "The amount, variety and non-linearity of the events was praised," -> "The events were praised for their variety, quantity, and non-linearity."
• "though John Ricciardi" -> "However,"
• "Mark Cooke of GameRevolution noted that Tomba! was the first platform game to grant such freedom, following attempts by RPGs such as The Elder Scrolls II: Daggerfall.[34]" -> I might swap this with the last sentence, to set up the praise more before introducing an exception.
• "The game's side-scrolling platforming segments were considered reminiscent of platform games from earlier generations, particularly Fujiwara's past titles Ghosts 'n Goblins and Ghouls 'n Ghosts, which Cooke felt made the gameplay "a little too tired".[7][23][34][35]" -> this jams together four references. If it's about Cook's comment about tired gameplay, just focus on that. Or if these are separate ideas, present them as separate sentences.
• "The controls were commended for their tightness" -> "Several reviewers praised the responsiveness of the controls."
• The GameSpot quote feels a little out of place, and it might flow better if the reviewers were commenting on similar things, even if their opinions differ.
• "Crispin Boyer of Electronic Gaming Monthly positively compared the game's presentation to Klonoa: Door to Phantomile, saying that the "almost perfect marriage" of its disparate graphical elements made Tomba! a "state-of-the-art side-scroller" in the spirit of the aforementioned title" -> This is a long sentence that's difficult to leave. Decide which part is most important, and if all the quotes are really needed.

Sequel

• "reviews, but sold" -> break these sentences apart, for readability

Let's start with that. It might still need another pass, but that should cover the most glaring issues. Shooterwalker (talk) 14:16, 1 July 2021 (UTC)

All points thus far have been addressed. Cat's Tuxedo (talk) 04:36, 2 July 2021 (UTC)

Thanks for your work on this! It's on the whole better. Giving this another pass, this time including the lead:

• "Lead designer and producer Tokuro Fujiwara established Whoopee Camp and led the development of Tomba! after leaving Capcom in 1995. " -> "Creator Tokuro Fujiwara developed Tomba! after leaving Capcom in 1995, founding Whoopee Camp as director, producer and lead designer."
• "He based the game's 2D side-scrolling perspective on" -> "He chose the game's 2D side-scrolling perspective for"
• "Tomba! was received positively by critics, with particular praise going to the varied objective-based gameplay, controls and visuals, with more mixed reception directed toward the audio." -> "Tomba! was received positively by critics, with praise for its controls, visuals, and varied gameplay objectives." (and if it's still important) "However, the game's audio received a more mixed reception."
• "Tomba! maintained a cult following years after its release, and was released on the PlayStation Network in 2011." -> "Tomba! maintained a cult following years after its debut, and was re-released on the PlayStation Network in 2011."
• "between the foreground and background and explore each as separate areas" -> "between the foreground and background as separate areas" (I think this is shorter and keeps the same meaning)
• "Some areas in the game enable the player to explore them in an isometric view, allowing Tomba to move around freely." -> "Some areas allow the player to explore them in an isometric view."
• "leaping onto their back, biting into them and then tossing them in a straightforward trajectory" -> Right now this feels a little ambiguous, and might even suggest this is a sequence of actions. If it's a sequence, the language in the image box is more clear, and see if you can pull from that to help readers understand the order of operations. If it's not a sequence, then make it clear these are separate attack types.
• The gameplay section reads a lot more clearly now and the sources appear to check out.
• The plot section could use a few transition/intro words to help the first sentence flow. (e.g.: "The story begins when...")"
• "in the same area that they have cast their specific spell" -> "in the same area where they have case their spell."
• The last sentence in the plot section could use some sort of reference. I know it's usually implied that it's the game itself, but considering you reference everything else, you might as well be consistent.
• you can drop "officially" from his resignation, as it doesn't add anything
• "Fujiwara established the independent development studio Whoopee Camp afterward" -> "Fujiwara soon established the independent development studio Whoopee Camp,"
• "He designed the game's non-linear event system and Tomba's gradual growth in abilities and resources to set Tomba! apart from other timing-based action games" -> "To distinguish Tomba! from other action games, Fujiwara designed a non-linear event system, as well as Tomba's gradual growth in abilities and resources."
• This section also reads a lot more clearly. Great job.
• "The involved parties elected to wait until Tomba!'s re-release showed satisfactory sales figures before arranging the re-release of the game's sequel, Tomba! 2: The Evil Swine Return.[29]" -> the sequel sort of fudges the flow of the section, where you could talk about the release of the first game instead of the sequel. It might flow better to move the mention of the sequel to the end of the section, and just continue talking about the English re-release of the first game before that. That said, if the timeline of the events is important, I'd try to make this flow better.
• Link to Nonlinear gameplay when you bring up non-linearity in the reception.
• "into a tangent" can be dropped without losing any meaning
• "side-scrolling platforming segments" -> you can cut "platforming" here as it's implied
• "Crispin Boyer of Electronic Gaming Monthly saw a similarity to Klonoa: Door to Phantomile in the game's presentation" -> "Crispin Boyer of Electronic Gaming Monthly compared the game's visuals to Klonoa: Door to Phantomile"
• Sentence-by-sentence, the reception is a decent read. But on the whole, it feels like it jumps between a lot of different ideas (the game overall, the controls, the load times, the save system, the visuals, the audio, the tone). I would suggest finding ways to re-order this if at all possible, where one idea more clearly flows to the other. Where it's hard to have any flow, you could get away with one or two more paragraph breaks, if you can also avoid the other problem of too many short paragraphs.
• "the game did not sell enough copies to qualify for inclusion in any of Sony's budget ranges," -> I'm unclear on what this means
• "Tomba! 2: The Evil Swine Return was released by Whoopee Camp for the PlayStation in 1999 and was also met with positive reviews." -> "Whoopee Camp released Tomba! 2: The Evil Swine Return for the PlayStation in 1999, and the game also received positive reviews."

This is getting a lot closer. Keep it up and it will get to GA soon. Shooterwalker (talk) 16:35, 3 July 2021 (UTC)

And done. Cat's Tuxedo (talk) 19:11, 3 July 2021 (UTC)

You're really close now. A few more minor tweaks:

• The plot section mixes past and present tense. Just pick one and be consistent. (the Seven Evil Pigs appear/appeared vs Tomba is/was born)
• "A curious and energetic boy named Tomba is born and raised by his grandfather on the islands, and Tomba spends his days playing and hunting in the wilderness." -> this is the only sentence that runs on with an awkward flow. Perhaps strike the second part (after the comma), and/or shorten the description of Tomba from "a curious and energetic boy". You could probably even strike the "born" part. An encyclopedia article always reads better to hit your main point in fewer words.
• Consider moving the last paragraph in the reception section about the tone, and combining it with the paragraph about the visuals. The two ideas flow well together.
• Strike the words "budget range" from the Sequel section, since the meaning comes across without them

Once again, all the references and images seem to check out. This is very close to a GA with these last few tweaks. Shooterwalker (talk) 01:21, 5 July 2021 (UTC)

And that's done. Cat's Tuxedo (talk) 02:13, 5 July 2021 (UTC)

Excellent work. Thanks for this, and happy to give this a pass. Shooterwalker (talk) 12:43, 5 July 2021 (UTC)