Talk:Tora Harris/GA1
Latest comment: 11 years ago by Moswento in topic GA Review
GA Review
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Reviewer: Moswento (talk · contribs) 14:37, 11 March 2013 (UTC)
- Hello! I'll be reviewing this one. Detailed review should magically appear below in the next 48 hours. Moswento talky 14:37, 11 March 2013 (UTC)
- Sorry, that was a long 48 hours! Off-wiki things got in the way. There's still more work needed on this article to get the pretty green symbol, but nothing that can't be done in the next few days, I wouldn't have thought. Comments of things that need to be addressed, mostly minor prose issues, are below, plus a few optional suggestions. Other than that, the article is well-referenced, verifiable, neutral, stable, no plagiarism etc. There aren't any images to worry about. Once my questions below are addressed, I'll give this another look over, hopefully with the desired GA result. Good work! Moswento talky 21:39, 15 March 2013 (UTC)
- Great work! I really like what you've done with rearranging and rewriting text - huge improvement, above and beyond my expectations. I think you can ignore my first comment on the lead, because re-reading it I don't have a problem with the ordering. The other change you didn't implement below is also fine to leave as is. Just two very very quick follow-up points, and then I will very happily promote this to GA. Great work, again! Moswento talky 16:20, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- I'll now promote this to GA. Congratulations! Keep up the good work! Moswento talky 17:35, 17 March 2013 (UTC)
- Great work! I really like what you've done with rearranging and rewriting text - huge improvement, above and beyond my expectations. I think you can ignore my first comment on the lead, because re-reading it I don't have a problem with the ordering. The other change you didn't implement below is also fine to leave as is. Just two very very quick follow-up points, and then I will very happily promote this to GA. Great work, again! Moswento talky 16:20, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- Sorry, that was a long 48 hours! Off-wiki things got in the way. There's still more work needed on this article to get the pretty green symbol, but nothing that can't be done in the next few days, I wouldn't have thought. Comments of things that need to be addressed, mostly minor prose issues, are below, plus a few optional suggestions. Other than that, the article is well-referenced, verifiable, neutral, stable, no plagiarism etc. There aren't any images to worry about. Once my questions below are addressed, I'll give this another look over, hopefully with the desired GA result. Good work! Moswento talky 21:39, 15 March 2013 (UTC)
- Follow-up
- Lead - "In college, Harris is " - I think this actually needs to be a "was", because the "In college" bit puts this in the past tense.
- Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 22:30, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- College career - "Harris' father died early in 2000." - I'm not sure why you added this in here, and I don't think it needs to be repeated in this section, unless you were talking about his father's death having an impact on his jumping.
- I got this.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:22, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- Lead
- (optional change) I wonder if in the lead the detail about his college career should be summarised first, before his later achievements?
- Not sure which text you want moved. Are you talking about the second sentence?--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:08, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- " the indoor and outdoor high jump championship" - "championships"?
- thanks.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:08, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- There's a problem of inconsistency in tenses - sometimes he was a champion, and sometimes he is a champion
- Thanks.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:10, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- Background
- Why not title this section "Early life"?
- Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:12, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- "who passed away " - "who died"
- "Harris speaks fluent Chinese...His parents made him take Chinese lessons when he was young" - it would make more sense to put these two facts together, e.g. "His parents made him take Chinese lessons when he was young, and he now speaks the language fluently. He attended first grade in Taiwan..."
- Career detail
- Why not just title this section "Career"?
- The opening of the first paragraph reads like a stats sheet rather than an encyclopedia. Perhaps an opening context sentence would help, e.g. "While at Princeton, Harris excelled at intercollegiate athletics." (You can probably think of something better)
- That is fine.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:25, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- "(7th-1998, 5th-1999, 4th-2001,[6] and 1st-2002[7])" - as above, this reads like a stats sheet and would be better written as prose (with the sentence broken up as appropriate)
- Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:29, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- "By winning the indoor and outdoor NCAA championships," - (optional changes) the "NCAA" here is a bit redundant, given the context. Might read better without. You could also add "both" before "indoor".
- 1 of 2.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 03:31, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- "in order to prepare for the 2000 United States Olympic trials." - as you've told us in the lead that he's an Olympian, might be worth clarifying that he didn't actually make the team for the 2000 Olympics
- Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 04:52, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- " and the 2006 IAAF World Cup." - this should be moved to the next paragraph, as this paragraph is otherwise about his college career
- "He won bronze medals...When he won...He won" - three consecutive sentences starting in (almost) the same way. Variety would make this less a list of successes.
- "When he won the indoor heptagonal championships" (optional change) might be worth adding a paragraph break before this sentence to break up a long paragraph
- "Indoor Heptagonal Championships Most Outstanding Performer and Outdoor Heptagonal Championships Most Outstanding Performer " - could be shortened to "both the Indoor and Outdoor Hectagonal Championships Most Outstanding Performer" or similar
- "He concluded his career " - "concluded his college career"?
- "He was also both the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) indoor and outdoor champion in 2002," - haven't you already mentioned this in the previous paragraph? Mentioning it here again is just confusing.
- I have rearranged. Let me know if it is still redundant.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 04:42, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- "a two-time United States National indoor champion (2005 and 2007)[22][23] and a two-time United States National champion (2006 and 2009)." - should the second one be "National outdoor champion"?
- "7-foot-6.5-inch" - doesn't need to be hyphenated
- Also changed to plural.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 04:07, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- " He was a member of the United States team at the 2004 Summer Olympics." - is that all you can say about his Olympic appearance? Given the detail of his college career, this seems insufficient. Where did he place? Was he the only high jumper on the team? Do we know anything about his training or coach? etc. etc.
- Expanded a bit.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 04:24, 16 March 2013 (UTC)
- References
- Nothing of concern here. All looks good.