OFFICIAL cute SHEEP APOCALYPSE

Introduction

The Sheep Apocalypse began at approximately 6:43 AM when a sheep named Mr. Flufferton discovered how to fly.

At first, citizens were not concerned. After all, sheep are not supposed to fly. Scientists therefore concluded that they were not flying.

The sheep disagreed.

Within hours, thousands of sheep had taken to the skies. Reports soon emerged of exploding sheep, teleporting sheep, invisible sheep, and one sheep that somehow became mayor of a small town.

The situation has continued to deteriorate.

Current Threats

Flying Sheep

Flying sheep can travel at speeds exceeding 9000 miles per hour.

If you see a sheep approaching from the sky, do not wave.

The sheep interpret waving as a challenge.

Exploding Sheep

Exploding sheep are among the most dangerous varieties.

They will fly directly toward their target before exploding into a cloud of wool.

Five seconds later they will reappear completely unharmed and ready to explode again.

Scientists are extremely confused.

Teleporting Sheep

Teleporting sheep can appear anywhere.

Common locations include:

Behind doors
In cupboards
On rooftops
Directly behind anyone saying "How bad could it be?"

Supreme Sheep Intelligence

Recent studies suggest sheep have become significantly smarter.

One sheep recently defeated twelve chess champions simultaneously while eating a fence.

Survival Advice

Remain calm.
Carry emergency biscuits.
Do not trust sheep wearing sunglasses.
If a sheep offers financial advice, leave immediately.
If the moon starts looking fluffy, seek shelter.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why are the sheep attacking?

Researchers have not determined a motive.

The sheep have only issued one statement:

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Can sheep open doors?

Yes.

Can sheep use computers?

Unfortunately.

Can sheep read this guide?

They probably wrote it.

Final Warning

At the time of writing, sheep forces control approximately 73**% **of all grassy areas.

The remaining 27% is expected to fall by next Tuesday.

If you hear distant baaing followed by dramatic orchestral music, prepare for immediate sheep activity.

Good luck.

You will need it.

GOVERNMENT INCIDENT REPORT

Classification

TOP SECRET

If you are a sheep, stop reading immediately.

Failure to comply will result in further reading.

Incident #1: The Helicopter Theft

Date: Unknown

Location: Classified At approximately 2:17 PM, witnesses observed three sheep standing near a military helicopter.

Witnesses assumed the sheep were merely grazing.

They were not.

One sheep entered the pilot's seat while another consulted a map. The third appeared to be wearing aviator sunglasses.

The helicopter was successfully stolen.

The sheep have not returned it.

Incident #2: The Great Supermarket Siege

Date: Tuesday Location: Every supermarket somehow

A coordinated sheep force entered multiple supermarkets simultaneously.

No injuries were reported.

However, all chocolate biscuits, crackers and custard creams were taken.

The sheep left behind a note reading:

“BAAAAAAAAAA.”

Experts continue to debate its meaning.

Incident #3: The Weather Forecast Takeover

At 6:00 PM all national weather broadcasts were interrupted.

The forecast was replaced with a sheep standing in front of a map.

The sheep stared silently at the camera for forty-seven minutes.

Then ate a single blade of grass.

It then stated:

"Tomorrow will be baa."

The broadcast ended.

The prediction was correct.

Incident #4: The Moon Situation

Multiple astronomers reported unusual activity on the Moon. High-powered telescopes revealed enormous patches of wool appearing across the lunar surface.

One scientist described it as:

"Concerning."

Another described it as:

"Very concerning."

A third scientist resigned immediately.

Incident #5: The Sheep Parliament

Several sheep were discovered holding official parliamentary meetings.

Topics discussed included:

Wool expansion.
Advanced exploding techniques.
Whether grass should become mandatory.
The construction of a giant sheep-shaped space station.
If lawnmowers are against the law.

No decisions have been made public.

But the decisions are: Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and… Yes.

Current Government Position

The Government would like to reassure citizens that the situation is completely under control.

This statement was written under the supervision of six sheep.

Emergency Warning

Should you encounter a sheep carrying:

A briefcase
A jetpack
A crown
A laser pointer

You must leave the area immediately.

The sheep has almost certainly been promoted.

RESEARCH DIVISION REPORT

Subject

The Scientific Study of Sheep Powers

Introduction

When the Sheep Apocalypse began, scientists believed the sheep would possess only basic sheep abilities.

This assumption lasted approximately three minutes.

Researchers have since documented over 400 sheep powers.

The number continues to rise.

Ability #1: Quantum Baaing

Certain sheep can exist in multiple locations simultaneously.

One sheep was observed:

In a field.
On a bus.
In a shopping centre.
On the Moon.

At the same time.

The sheep appeared unconcerned.

Scientists were very concerned.

Ability #2: Reality Wool

Several sheep possess wool capable of altering reality.

Known effects include:

Turning sandwiches into grass.
Replacing television channels with sheep documentaries.
Causing socks to disappear.

Researchers suspect sheep are responsible for missing socks worldwide.

Evidence is overwhelming.

Ability #3: The Stare

Some sheep are capable of staring directly at a person for extended periods.

Victims report:

Nervousness.
Confusion.
The sudden desire to purchase sheep-themed merchandise.

The exact mechanism remains unknown.

Ability #4: Spontaneous Duplication

Under certain circumstances a sheep may duplicate itself.

One sheep became two sheep.

The two sheep became four sheep.

The four sheep became sixteen sheep.

Researchers stopped counting shortly afterwards.

Ability #5: Administrative Authority

Several sheep have acquired unexpected government powers.

Known positions include:

Mayor.
Prime Minister.
Chief Scientist.
Head Librarian.
Greatest Ultimate-est Supreme-est unparalleled-est Galactic-est Wool-est Commander.

The last title appears self-appointed.

Conclusion

Humanity currently understands approximately 2% of sheep behaviour.

The sheep understand 100% of human behaviour.

They find it amusing.

Final Scientific Statement

Further study is required.

“Fortunately” the sheep now run the research department.

All future reports will be reviewed by sheep.

This report has already been approved by sheep.

Twenty-six times.

OFFICIAL BIOGRAPHY OF MR. FLUFFERTON

Classification

PUBLIC ENEMY #1

Early Life

Very little is known about the early life of Mr. Flufferton.

Records indicate that he was born as an ordinary sheep.

This was later proven false.

Witnesses describe the young Flufferton as:

Fluffy.
Suspiciously fluffy.
Extremely suspiciously fluffy.

Even as a lamb, he displayed unusual intelligence.

At the age of three months he successfully escaped a maximum safety field.

At the age of four months he escaped a different maximum safety field.

At the age of five months he reportedly escaped the maximum-est safety-est field in the world and tricked twenty foxes into flying while he breaks out. Once the foxes were told the truth they crashed to the ground.

At this point scientists still had no-idea.

Scientists are still investigating.

The Discovery of Flight

On the morning of the apocalypse, Mr. Flufferton looked at a bird.

Nobody knows exactly what happened next.

Several witnesses claim he simply decided gravity was optional.

Mr. Flufferton then flew directly into the sky.

Gravity has not recovered.

Rise to Power

Following his discovery of flight, sheep populations worldwide began following Mr. Flufferton.

Within forty-eight hours he had:

Conquered several fields.
Taken control of eight supermarkets.
Acquired seventeen crowns.
Declared himself Emperor of Tuesday… and Monday, Wednesday and Sunday.

No one challenged the claim.

The Famous Speech

Mr. Flufferton's most famous speech lasted three hours.

The speech consisted entirely of:

"BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Experts called it inspiring.

Nobody knows why.

The experts were sheep.

Known Achievements

Mr. Flufferton has been credited with:

Inventing reverse wool.
Teaching sheep advanced mathematics.
Winning a race against the internet.
Outrunning a thunderstorm.
Convincing the Moon to become fluffy.
Convincing a bird that the sky is bird food.
Allowing a bird to eat the sky.

These claims remain unverified.

Unfortunately they also appear to be true.

Current Whereabouts

The current location of Mr. Flufferton is unknown.

Possible locations include:

The Moon.
A secret underground sheep base.
A volcano.
Directly behind you.

Authorities recommend not checking.

Official Threat Rating

∞ / 10

This is the highest rating ever assigned.

The sheep demanded a higher number.

Negotiations are ongoing.