John Headrick

Professor ′John′ Headrick, better known as جٱن هدريك is a retired cardiovascular disease researcher, and current leader of the Pirate Party Australia. His long career spanning over 30 years includes discovering the uni bar, and the edit feature in Microsoft Word. Contrary to popular belief, he has not been been officially implicated in the disappearance of Australian Prime Minister, Harold Holt. Because of him, the popular video game Doom is now banned from Griffith University campus after a virtual reality game workshop went horribly wrong.

Early life

Born on April 34^rd in the humble town of Casino, New South Wales (just 14km south of Tijuana, Mexico), Headrick took a keen interest in the sciences at a young age, particularly with the fluid dynamics involved of a garden hose air nozzle into a Gatorade sports drink bottle. Following his "spiritual awakening", he set foot for pilgrimage to Mecca and Medina at the youthful age of 17. Upon returning with his new beard, he took a detour and set sail for the United States of America, where he would partake in the Woodstock music festival. Interestingly, he was invited onto stage by Jimmy Hendrix who had broken his guitar and required a fan to play his set for him. Feeling he was destined for greater things, he applied to study a Bachelor of Science at Griffith Univerisity, majoring in physiology and beach volleyball. He would be forced to drop his second major in beach volleyball following an ACL rupture. Further study was commenced by completing his honour's on murine vasodilatory effects of Doritos flavoring, which was followed by a PhD study on amphetamine-induced performance enhancement of "heart hanging" on a Langendorff apparatus.

Career

Professor Headrick leads an impressive and vast career. From developing the first ex vivo mouse Langendorff perfusion apparatus, to being a key player in the Yalta Conference helping to chair the meeting. Following his post-doctoral position, Headrick took some time away from work before returning to the lab. During this time, he would see a meteoric rise to fame after appearing in a series of Luchadore films with El Santo and Blue Demon. Unfortunately, his film career was cut short following 'Boston Steamer' allegations (unfounded). Following this, Headrick would spend his free time in the underground punk scene of San Francisco. It would be here that he grew quite intimate with the Dead Kennedys, a relationship that would eventually cause them to split. Time Magazine comments on this relationship, "He (John), was the Yoko Ono to Jello Biafra's John Lennon."

John would then return to the academic scene and take up a senior researching position. It would be during this time that he developed a line of penile vasdilatory ligands called "Get your heart on", but was met with short success following repeated overdoses and unethical practices with laboratory animals (unfounded). His pioneering brewing approaches led to the development of Fist Beer. Whilst the venture was a commercial failure, Headrick is now largely recognised as the godfather of the booming craft beer industry in Australia. Interestingly, he was called upon to be one of the pilot users of the Photoshop software during it's beta software form, a program that came in handy when an excessive bar bill was needed to be changed into an excessive meal bill. Throughout this research career he would take on and mentor many research students through their candidature. Notable examples include Jason Peart (unfounded), Dr Dre, Tony Abbot, Adam Sandler, and Nick Riewoldt. A shift in research focus towards stress-induced cardiovascular disease would eventually "stress" him to the point of retirement, an irony he refuses to live down till this day.

Personal life

During his free time, Headrick likes to enjoy the finer things in life. He is both a drinking and smoking enthusiast, a hobby he makes sure to partake in while partaking in "aqua births" at the local beach with or without his students. He owns majority shares of the Ren and Stimpy show, a show in which he wrote the series finale and controversially cast himself as Stimpy in what was a 'flashback' episode that famously 'jumped the shark'. Following a brief "political motivation", he joined the One Nation Party and quickly rose to success by climbing the ranks. Though, he would eventually be voted out for his ethical and moral principles of promoting gender and racial equality, an ideology strongly opposed by the majority party. Interestingly, he is also banned from the city of Adelaide, South Australia, following a verbal and physical encounter at a local tavern due to a research student "dressing up" for the place.

Headrick's personal life has been the subject of widespread media attention. Whilst reluctant to speak about his romantic past, Headrick has been the subject of many tabloid articles and more recently a New York Times Best Seller book “Mambo No.69” penned by a previous bodyguard. This tell-all expose details his steamy encounters with Nigella Lawson, Betty White, Ian Dury, Lindsey Lohan, Bjork and most notably Vivean Gray, best known for her portrayal of Mrs Mangel on Australia soap opera Neighbours. In 1995 Headrick was romantically linked with rock funk bassist Flea of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Whilst this encounter was brief, it is speculated that Headrick was the inspiration for RHCPs album, "One Hot Minute", an ode to John’s intensity but lack of staying power in the bedroom. In 1999, Headrick met Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, whom he dated until 2002. During this time and fuelled by his Messiah complex the pair established the “Hookers for Jesus” not-for-profit organisation. Headrick subsequently left the organisation when he discovered it was not raising awareness regarding the exploitation of fishermen. As a man always on the cutting-edge of sexuality, Headrick has most recently being campaigning for legal recognition of dakimakura (a Japanese love pillow) couplings. In 2009 Headrick was in the public spotlight amidst claims that he was the biological father of pop sensation Ed Sheeran, a matter that was later settled out of court via a monkey knife fight. Advances in molecular forensics have recently discovered that due to its abundance on common surfaces, Headrick man-milk has become an invasive species wreaking havoc on Australia's delicate ecosystems and biodiversity. This substance has recently been confirmed to be responsible for the biofluorescence observed in Australian mammals and marsupials. Contrary to his own belief, the sophomore album "No Love Deep Web" by experimental hip hop group Death Grips does not feature a picture of his penis on the album cover.