LCSchwabe

Who I Am

Me after waking up on September 11th, 2001

I go by many names such as Jesus Christ, Homeless Man, and AAAAHHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE! But just like you, I'm super stupid and off the perc rn.

My Involvement in the Italian Mafia

I have what some would call a holly jolly history with my dear son-in-law Al Capone. He was an integral part of my eventual siege of Bosnia and Herzegovina on March 1st, 1992. We terrorized the streets of Italy for about 18.5 years, before I was eventually shot down and killed in the streets of Venice...at least that's what they think. What truly occurred that night shall remain a mystery I take to the grave with me.

My Experience With Queen Elizabeth II

I had a wonderful relationship with the one and only Queen Elizabeth II. Lizzy and I used to go on so many great adventures back in the 1200s, we fought so many great monsters including Cthulhu, the Lernaean Hydra, and the shadow government of the world that controls all of us through a microchip implanted in our brains. I was deeply saddened by her passing on September 8th, 2022 (WHICH I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH).

How I Killed John F. Kennedy

There's this rumor that's been floating around for the past 61 years about this guy named Lee Harvey Oswald. They say he's the one who assassinated him off the top of the Texas School Book Depository, though this is simply not true. It was all me, and I don't understand why people can't get that. I did not shoot him, the bullets were all a ploy to distract from the form of his true death, I implanted a deadly toxin into his rectum as he slept the night before to kill him at the exact time of his death, 1:00pm.

My Career

Throughout my entire life I have worked a wide variety of jobs including astronaut, doctor, dentist, and a plumber. I worked all these jobs beside my lifelong partner Johnny Sins, who has supported me through all my crazy endeavors through the years. Beside those, I also ran for president of a small island country known as North Sentinel Island, but in a tragic turn of events they decided I was unfit to rule and decided to slit my throat, cut me up into 167.5 different pieces, before tossing me into the ocean around the island. I washed up onto the shores of Myanmar roughly 27 days later, alive and unscathed from my brutal experience with the citizens of North Sentinel.