Isaac Zach was born in the year 1972. His parents were both wheat farmers somewhere off the coast of Old Zealand. He was born a triplet, but his two siblings both were cursed to dance around a large rock for ever and ever! At age two he took his first math class, algebra II. He learned to read at age five, but did not learn to speak until age nine.
When he was in sixth grade, he learned C, but was unable to learn C++. He played the guitar so badly once, he was chased out of the country by nine angry mobs. Fortunately, all the mobs were specially trained terrorist groups attempting to take over the world in a semi-illegal manner and were caught and apprehended. George W. Butt (not Bush) then awarded him a medal of honor. His life then was boring from seventh grade until graduation.
Zach attended the Jones Bopkins School for Untalented Youth. He attended ever single party ever thrown, as well as fourteen more. He graduated fourth in his computer smashing class, behind Destin, a rock, and a moo-cow. Destin was, unfortunately eaten by the moo-cow for being a Mac user. The FBI, the IRS,The Secret Service, and the NCIS are all presently doing investigations into his activity in this period for undisclosed reasons.
After graduating, Zach was offered jobs by nineteen of the fourteen major computer smashing corporations on the planet. He, however, decided to move to a large city and become a hippy guitarist. His stinkitude at guitar resulted in the mental breakdowns of three people, who subsequently agreed to start a band, called The Cockroaches. Square-o Planet was their drummer, Fred NotHairyDaughter was the lead guitarist and singer, Adolph Stalin played rhythm guitar and sung background vocals. They at one point had a bassist, but he resigned after a run in with the black market and was last seen screaming something along the lines of"WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH," The Cockroaches released twelve studio albums, all of which were recorded with the same drum track. The albums each sailed straight to number one and knocked of the previous one (with, of course, the exception of the first one). They were voted the best band ever by every major music magazine and critic, despite their apparent lack of talent. In 1987, Fred left the band to persue interests in air conditioner repair and tire slashing. After Adolph took over lead vocals for their last album, the band broke up in 1992. Recently, there has been talk of a reunion, but after Square-o was arrested for smuggling 4 gi...well let's just stop right there. You get the idea.
Zach later went on to record three solo albums. His first album, entitled "The Cockroach Exterminator" reached #1 on the classical hip-hop/country charts. The major single, "Roach Guts", featured a gruesome music video that was banned by every major television station. The video has never been seen by anyone except two record company employees, who tragically died a day after viewing the video. Zach followed up with "The United States Anti-Pickleball Protest Convention", which did not chart as high as his first album due to the fact that there were no songs on the album. His third album, "Burning Down The World", was banned by the Federal Government, and was considered a major failure, since it only sold 0 copies.
Zach replaced Trett Bugle as the bass/keyboard player in Bindsey Luckingham's band as of 2008. He is now touring with Luckingham on the "Scift of Grews" tour.
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