User talk:Blondeel10/sandbox

Hi Blake!

I've looked through and made notes on some edits!

- Lead: Para 1 (last sentence): “…which is situated…” could simply say … Levack, situated in…”
o Frank still is an Ojibwe-Metis if he has not died yet “Frank is of Ojibwe…” instead of was
- Career: Para 1: comma splice “… Association and made the team; he got…” or use a period to separate the 2 sentences or use “and”
o Para 1: could add more to the “he got 39 points.” Sentence to make it a little less choppy
♣ Could be “During the fall of 1962, St. Marseille tried out for and made the Chatham Maroons of the Senior Ontario Hockey Association where he earned 39 points in his ____ season(s).”
o Para 1: “Chatham then moved…” I would say “The team…” or “The Maroons…” so it doesn’t sound like the actual place moved
o Para 1: Comma after (1945-2001)
o Para 2: comma after Huron in the first line
o Para 2: “newcomers” is one-word
o Para 2: the word “take” in the 1967 NHL expansion sentence should be “taken”
o Para 2: comma after “only 11 games in with the team…”
o Para 2: Bowman was “quoted”
o Para 2: “Blues reach 3 straight Stanley Cup finals” should have 3 spelled out
o Para 2: dash between All and Star “… West Division All-Star…”
o Para 2: a little wordy, could break it up: From 1970-72 Frank captained the team.[9] He also played on both the penalty killing and power play units for the Blues, and he had a plus/minus rating of +37 during that 5-year period and sits tied for 6th on the all-time game-tying goals list for the Blues
o Para 3: number 4 should be spelled out “…with the Kings, and the club made the playoffs in each of his final four seasons…”
o Para 3: 4 ½ should be spelled out too
o Para 3: “... retiring as a player…” player should be singular
- Personal Life: Para 1: comma splice “… age of 73 from congestive heart failure; he performed…” or period to separate or use and
o Para 1: part about Rob being drafted and the sentence after that should be joined together as “And now is a constable…” sentence is a fragment
o Para 1: could add in that he grew up in a musical family to the first sentence to add somewhat of an intro to the second sentence about his family and their musical abilities
o Para 2: I would word it as: “In 1998, a Hall of Fame was established in Valley East, …”
o Para 2: I would word it as “Frank’s career has also been celebrated…”

- Make sure you’re consistent with whether you are putting your periods before or after your citations
- Be consistent in whether you refer to him as “Frank” or as “St. Marseille” throughout the body
- Good job being neutral throughout the text
- Great job with your tables at the bottom, the content box, and the panel on the right side of the page!

I really enjoyed reading it! Keep up the good work. Rosscour7 (talk) 00:55, 29 March 2017 (UTC)

Thanks Courtney!! Changes have been considered and most applied. Blondeel10 (talk) 01:54, 29 March 2017 (UTC)