User talk:Hannahhendricksen/sandbox
You guys have a lot of good research, the only thing I see that you guys could fix is your citations, they are not cited the way wikipedia does it, there is a cite button on the top of the edit sandbox page that will help you guys do that. Another suggestion would be to put your statistics in a way that is more visually pleasing, maybe add a pie chart or bulleted list. Also, for the key people/success stories/alumni section, I think it could be split into 3 separate sections just to make it easier to read/understand. But overall I think you guys have done a really good job with the information you got from your sources.-----Response: Thank you for the pie chart suggestion. I don't think that is exactly what we are looking for. We looked at our high school's Wikipedia pages as templates and pie charts were not included. We broke down and reorganized key people/success stories/alumni section to make is easier to read and more relatable. Thank you for you critiques. They were very helpful.
I love this topic and the research for it, but I do think adding a little more about the impact that Strive Prep has had on the minorities of this area and how it has changed racial views would greatly benefit your article. It appears as though it's focused on general information about the topic, yet it needs to tie more into how it has affected the area as a whole. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Alexandria Maupin (talk • contribs) 16:35, 12 October 2016 (UTC) -----Response: I'm glad you found this topic so interesting. STRIVE's goal is to have their students come back to these communities after college. That is the community aspect they are trying to monitor. Given the fact that STRIVE is only 10 years old and its first students are still in college, there is not real substantial information about community impact to pull from. What we could find about community impact is under the Successes section.
I'd say you can talk about how half of the population of minorities students are being taught by white teachers instead of their own colored. Maybe that can be a race related topic towards this assignment. I really liked how your group explained locations of Denver and how schooling is very different in all those locations. Also get deeper into the percentage given for the Far Northeast Denver portion. SothearySeng (talk) 21:34, 14 October 2016 (UTC)-----Response: During our research, I contacted a source at STRIVE because my mom works there and she asked me not to talk about the teachers or school leaders because there could be turnover and they do not want false information on the internet.
The content you guys have is great. I'd say in your first subheading just adding something like a brief summary on what STRIVE is about. Sort of like a thesis in a way. If you wanted to add more content to the shorter sections that would not be a bad thing. For history you could add why Chris founded it or what sparked the idea, also if he has a wiki page to link it. also for awards you can go into detail on what specifics they did to be ranked that high, also add "it is projected by 2022" for that last sentence. The direction and the flow in which you guys are taking this is great, along with the topic. I would just suggest in each section if there is something used that has a wikipedia page like people or anything to link it. All in all great job guys!KassondraWalker (talk) 15:21, 18 October 2016 (UTC)-----Response: We added an abstract at the beginning that behaves like a thesis. We also expanded on Chris Gibbons and why/how he founded STRIVE. We also are expanding on their future goals.
Feedback
edit
Nice work on your draft. A few things that still need improving.
- Your draft lacks a lead section. You should have gotten a hardcopy of the Editing Wikipedia brochure, but I have also linked to it here. If you look at page 9, there are details about what the lead should look like.
- Your draft mostly lacks inline references. Every statement in a Wikipedia article should be directly connected with a supporting source.
- Include details and wikilinks. Don't assume that your readers have ever heard of Denver - say it's in Colorado, say it's in the US. And link to Denver so they can learn more. There's an article about Denver Public Schools. Link to it. (DONE)
- It would be helpful if you had additional sources that could help establish the notability of your topic. The US News source would be OK, but it doesn't actually discuss this school. Chalkbeat is probably OK, but I don't know much about them. But for a topic to be notable it needs to have substantial coverage in major sources - scholarly articles are good, national or regional newspapers are good. But you need several sources to demonstrate notability, and at best you have one.
- Make sure that what you aren't padding the text. "STRIVE has an array of many different students with background that vary" says very little - one would assume that there are different students (a school would be expected to have more than one student) and "backgrounds that vary" automatically raises the question: varies how? "Every student student has different ways that they learn" - again, that's a truism, not information about the school.
- "and STRIVE wants to help every single student to succeed" - a school is an inanimate object that doesn't have wants. The organization might have that stated mission, but really that's aspirational, maybe an opinion, but not a verifiable statement of fact. Similarly, "caring teachers" is an opinion. There are lots of these kinds of issues.
- Avoid jargon. "Strive Prep is ... focused on providing quality education" - in this case, "quality" is used as a stand-in for "high quality", but that's not the plain English meaning of the sentence. And again, as with the previous example, inanimate objects don't have focus. People do.
- Be careful with grammar. "STRIVE Prep choose to establish schools" - that should be "chose". The whole article needs a very careful read-through to catch problems like this. Wikipedia does not use honorifics - just Trujilo, not "Ms. Trujillo". Is is Strive or STRIVE? Be consistent.
- Make sure your paragraphs make sense, not just the sentences within them.
Northwest Denver is also commonly referred to as Sunnyside neighborhood. STRIVE Prep established three different campuses in this neighborhood because of the racial makeup. The majority of the people in northwest Denver are Hispanic/Latino solely, or a mix of several races both minority and majority. The STRIVE Prep campuses in northwest Denver are two middle schools and one high school.
The first sentence gives another name for the neighborhood. The second is about STRIVE. The third is about the neighborhood. The fourth is about STRIVE again. Start with what (STRIVE has three schools, etc.) then why. Statement first, supporting logic or evidence after. (DONE)
(When replying to this message, please include {{ping|Ian (Wiki Ed)}} in your response, to ensure that I see your reply.)
Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 17:48, 21 October 2016 (UTC)
Response----
Hi Ian, Thank you so much for the feedback, we have taken into consideration all of your advice and have made the following changes to address each piece of advice: 1. We have added a lead section 2. We have added multiple inline references 3. We have added multiple wiki links to assume the reader does not know certain terms 4. We also included more credible sources such as a government report 5. We also deleted bias statements and avoided "padding" 6. We fixed the issue of STRIVE "wanting" in some spots, I believe we still have "STRIVE's goal is to..", which I hope is different 7. We also have proof read and have fixed the grammatical errors as well 8. We have also addressed our cohesion within our paragraphs by adding transition — Preceding unsigned comment added by Hannahhendricksen (talk • contribs) 04:09, 9 November 2016 (UTC)