User talk:Jessmhill/sandbox

Instructor Feedback (Draft 1)

You've made great progress, and, in general, you write in a clear and accessible way. Most of my comments below go to clarity or completeness - there are some opportunities for expansion. Also, you will want to polish your writing, particularly as it pertains to the repetition of key words and phrases, which is to be avoided.

Medieval Organs

• "The introduction of THE organ into religious settings is ambiguous." I think what you mean is that the reason for the introduction is uncertain; or the circumstances surrounding it is obscure.
• "by the twelfth centurY ..." - but don't we have evidence for organs in church from before the twelfth century, e.g. at Winchester?

Portative and Positive Organs

• in general, use "Middle Ages," instead of "medieval period"
• don't capitalize "portative" and "positive"
• "created for SECULAR use"
• consider adding a couple more sentences to this section that give the reader a better sense of how exactly the positive organ was constructed. Right now you simply say that it was bigger than the portative organ.
• can you give us a better sense of how exactly organs might be used in a secular setting? I believe Machaut mentions an organ in Le voir dit, so that might be one source to cite (even if it is a primary source)

Installation of Permanent Organs

• eyewitness is one word
• You make great use of Wulfstan, but you need to give a bit more context. Can you tell the reader where the quotation comes from (i.e. the primary source) and which organ Wulfstan is describing. Does he tell us where the organ is located within the church?
• not sure what you mean by "formal setting"

Use of Organs in Church

• In its current state, this section doesn't really work as a stand-alone section. The basic point you make is that we know very little about the introduction of organs into the church. That's fair enough, but the article should mostly be about what we do know, not what we don't. I suggest either you expands this section or incorporate it into one of the previous ones.

General Comments on Writing

• Avoid repeating key words or phrases in close succession (e.g. "religious settings," "account")
• You'll want to add more hyperlinks to other Wikipedia articles, e.g. for "Notre Dame school"Bdbrand77 (talk) 13:53, 2 December 2020 (UTC)

Instructor Feedback

It's not quite clear to me how the paragraph that you have written will fit with the existing article. That said, I think your focus on the secular/religious dynamic is important and a welcome addition to the existing article. You'll want to think about how you want to relate that issue to the technological development of the instrument itself.

Here are some more specific suggestions regarding your writing

• Be careful not to anthropomorphize inanimate objects like organs: people make great strides, but instruments don't.
• Whenever you can, use active verbs, not passive ones (e.g. "organs began to be used")
• "The introduction of the organ into religious settings is ambiguous." This is a bit unclear: I think what you mean is the circumstances surrounding its introduction into churches are obscure or unclear, but I'm not sure.
• When you refer to the institutional Church (e.g. the Catholic Church), capitalize Church. When you talking about churches in the sense of specific buildings, don't capitalize it.

I'll make some edits in your sandbox to show you how you can address some of these issues.

You've made a good start, Jess. I'm interested to see how your revisions develop!Bdbrand77 (talk) 22:52, 14 November 2020 (UTC)