User talk:Kkaltenheuser/sandbox

Feedback Dr. V

Hi, KKaltenheuser - I'm so glad you're working on this article. Remember that a NPoV is not negative/positive, but rather accurate and dispassionate. If the situation is bad, it's not accurate to say it's good. That said, have any of your sources noted that there is a tremendous shift in consciousness that makes it possible to advocate for transgender youth (and by TGY) that wasn't possible before?

I think your idea to put in activist actions is a great idea.

The first sentences on acceptance belong in the lead par., I think.

Can you put in your "request for feedback" bits of your proposal that give the plan for what you want to edit in this article and what already exists?

Keep going - I look forward to reading your hard first draft. Prof.Vandegrift (talk) 14:45, 5 November 2015 (UTC)

Feedback Hannah Mezei

Hi, Kkaltenheuser- I think your article has a lot of good and interesting information, and I really enjoy the fact that you have examples and information for a few different countries (England, US, Malta, Netherlands, etc)!

The biggest thing I would say for you is that you have a lot of sentences and statements where you say information, however you do not cite where that information or statement comes from. So I would look through your article and see if you can cite more of your statements. For example, your lead paragraph doesn't have any citations at all, and I know that another user may have contributed to writing those things, however if you could find sources to cite in it it would make better proof for the things you are saying.

I would also try to stay away from words like 'however' or 'therefore' like Dr. V said during class.

I hyperlinked a few things in your article that I thought would benefit the readers.

I think adding youth leaders/activists to your USA section would add to it. I do not think that section is necessarily biased like you are worried about, because the situation around LGBT youth in the US actually is negative. However, maybe you could find a source with information that shows the progress the LGBT youth have been making in the past couple years to show that while there is negatively surrounding it in the US, there is also positivity. You can show both sides if you are worried about neutrality.

In your paragraph 2 for the 'Existing Healthcare...' section there is a sentence that begins "his work is guided by..." and in the end of it it goes "they do not identify." I think it would be good if you made it explicit as to what you mean they do not identify as (gender norms maybe?)

In your 1st paragraph of the 'Homelessness and Survival Sex' section the last sentence is confusing and can be condensed, you repeat "homeless shelters" twice within it. Also, that sentence kind of implies that ALL homeless shelters are unable to provide for LGBT youth, so maybe make it a little more neutral.

In your Malta section sentence 2 you use the word held twice, so I would just look that sentence over and fix it a bit.

Overall I think you've done a wonderful job with this article! These are just a few ways to make it even better :)

Keep up the great work! Hannah.Mezei (talk) 17:52, 12 November 2015 (UTC)

Feedback HBov

Hey Kkaltenheuser!

I really enjoyed reading your article! Your edits will greatly improve the existing article!

What you wanted help with: I think that your article uses NPoV when discussing the U.S. Also, an activist section would add even more to your edit! :)

I am just going to give you some comments laid out by the section headings. Overall, the structure and information you provide is excellent. It is also written with language that many young students would be able to understand. Awesome job!

Lead: The second sentence could maybe be edited to something more concise. It is just a very long sentence.

Vulnerability: Maybe the first statement could be included in with the lead paragraph, unless the rest of the original article's vulnerability section is also going to be within this part (I am not really sure if that sentence made sense)

Healthcare:

Lack of access to healthcare: good

Existing healthcare options for transgender youth: In this section, I would probably take out the second-person language (i.e. you, your). The way you organized the paragraph break-ups was perfect here. Also, (this is very nit-picky) "well known" is a peacock term, maybe switch it up or just take it out when describing Dr. Spack.

Homelessness and survival sex: The last sentence of the homelessness paragraph is a little confusing. Maybe break it up into two different sentences if possible!

Suicide: Good stats through this section.

Acceptance of transgender youth: Maybe integrate the first paragraph with the lead. Both of the sections about the countries are great. Under Malta, "some have declared" is a weasel term, be more specific if you can!

Ref List: Are there any DOIs for your journal articles?

Again, the edits that you are making are going to make the original article much more solid! I cannot wait to read your next edits! :D HBov (talk) 01:44, 16 November 2015 (UTC)