User talk:Madamebutterflu/sandbox
From Prof Mc: Your entry is well-researched and contributes a great deal of important, additional information to the entry--thank you! Here are some revisions to consider, most of them are very minor edits:
- Make sure to add a lead paragraph to give the reader an orientation to your subject (one that embraces both the preexisting content and your new material, too)
- another key feature of a Wikipedia entry is links to other entries. For example, the first sentence of the Monastery section would have links to other entries on Bethlehem, Jerome, double monastery, etc.
- how could the phrase “along with having produced a male heir and two married daughters”
be woven into its sentence so that the meaning is more clear?
- instead of “It’s discussed” maybe “He discusses”
- although I’m always cautioning students about over-using direct quotes, the primary source offered by Jerome seems like a great opportunity to bring in a choice quote that illustrates one of the points you make, such as her intense changes of sentiment(?!?)
- this sentence:
“Settling in Bethlehem, Paula and Jerome had built a double monastery; one for Paula and her nuns and the other for Jerome and his monks, in addition to a roadside hostile which served as an economic source to fund the monasteries.” has a few aspects that need revisiting, in particular the incorrect use of the semi-colon http://theoatmeal.com/comics/semicolon using hostile for hostel, and using which for that https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/usage/that-or-which. Overall you have a strong set of writing skills, so this is a good opportunity to master these additional nuances. The next sentence also seems to be missing words, so overall a little additional proofreading might make a big difference for the clarity of your entry.
- maybe replace “was made for the nun monastery featuring” with something less wordy such as “included”
- function, change to “functioning”
- interesting discussion of the monastery and its visitors!
- reword “exceeding admittance”
- I like very much the section on her ascetic life that follows, but some of the material on Jerome from the topic section might work better here.
- what is practicing “destitution” ?
- It might work well to read aloud your draft as you revise, so you can catch trouble spots such as:
“Her reputation during this time is noted as respectable and widely known within the Christian community.” Would something such as Her respected reputation was widely known within the Christian community. capture what you mean?
- when was she made a saint?
AMcClanan (talk) 22:30, 27 November 2017 (UTC)AMcClanan
_______________________________________
Hello! I think you did wonderfully on your article expansion! I’ve never read about Saint Paula and I feel your additional information was very interesting, especially the section describing the establishment of the monastery with Jerome. She seems to have led a busy life. The only bit of feedback I can think to offer is regarding the statement “Her reputation during this time is noted as respectable and widely known within the Christian community.” Without a citation, this to me seems like more of an opinion than a statement. Great draft! Pcharity (talk) 00:18, 21 November 2017 (UTC)