User talk:Mairaeo/sandbox

I added information about the demographics of Boston. This information will be added to the simple page of Boston so not in the original Boston page. The link to the article is https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston

Sahakian_Ochoa_P3PR

Major Points

The author is very straightforward with the information, making it easy to read. This is a positive aspect of the writing style considering it is being written for Wikipedia Simple English. Furthermore, each sentence and section can 'stand alone'. However, I suggest statements such as "The males in Boston make up..." sound a bit too casual. This same phrase is used multiple times, it could be considered being changed to "About 47.8% of the population is male...", or a similar statement that is still relatively simple English, while not sounding too casual for an encyclopedia. The first sentence in the education section is a bit choppy and doesn't flow very well. One thing to consider would be to use commas or break this up into separate sentences to make it easier to read. Also, the last section in the education section (the list of universities in Boston) seems a bit random and long, making it a bit hard to read. One way to consider revising this portion would be to make the list shorter and maybe mention 2-3 private and 2-3 public universities (while also making that distinction) and then also including a fact relating to demographics. Maybe pick one college or university in particular and mention a few statistics about it specifically. As it stands right now, the list seems slightly out of place.

Minor Points

There are some places where commas or colons need to be utilized. For example "...there were 7,663 homeless men, woman, and children a 5.6% increase from the 7,255 last year...". A common needs to be inserted after children. Another suggestion for this specific example would be to break it up into two separate sentences. Proofreading for missing commas and punctuation will take care of this. Also, another example would be "....the Wyman Re-Entry Center a 90 day residential substance-abuse and recovery program". Consider revising to "the Whyman Re-Entry Center, which is a 90 day residential...".

Possible Links

Some possible external links to consider using: -Marty Walsh -Pine Street Inn -Boston Healthcare -Project Hope -DND -SOAR -some of the universities mentioned at the end Narehsahakian (talk) 04:01, 18 November 2015 (UTC)

Summary

The author clearly provides and expands the demographic information of Boston for the Boston Simple English page. Topics such as population, homeless prevalence, and education are discussed.

Major Points

The author is clear and concise, using proper citations when needed. The language used in this article is also professional and unbiased, which attributes to it being an encyclopedic entry. I think the subsections of the Demographics section are concise and make sense to the reader. I also believe that all facets of this new article will be an improvement to the original page, as they all offer important, relevant information regarding demographics of Boston. However, a lot of the sentence structure does not flow very well, especially in the first paragraph.

Minor Points

There are a few grammatical errors and awkward sentences throughout the article, however. For example, the Homeless Population section has some grammatical issues such as comma splices, as well as awkward sentences like this one: "homeless families this year, 2015". The year should maybe be in parentheses. Otherwise, everything seems clear and necessary - the statistics are very useful! Emarieg15 (talk) 19:27, 18 November 2015 (UTC)