User talk:Meerturtle/sandbox

Citation feedback: Looks good except for the language in the second statement: what does 'this' refer to there? Colbuendia71 (talk) 15:43, 15 March 2019 (UTC)

First paragraph

Be careful of the tense you're using, usually you should use past tense. (Ex. "the district and its 18 schools HAD", or say "As of 2019... the 18 schools in the district HAVE..."). As well, be careful of repetition: you say "Camden City School District district". It might be helpful when listing the enrollment data of the first list of schools to have something above the list which specifies the numbers in parentheses. (Number of Students, Grade Levels).

Second Paragraph

You might not need to say "In 2016, three years after the 2013...". You can likely omit the mention of the year 2013 and have the same meaning, otherwise it gets a bit confusing. As well, the percentages of graduation and enrollment are good, but do you have a frame of reference for them? Did they come up or down as a result of the changes? What school is Onome Pela-Emore the school spokeswoman for? Also, I liked the usage of abbreviating the title of the R.T. Cream Family School with its subsequent uses in the paragraph.

Charter and Renaissance Schools

I like these paragraphs so far. There is a chance to link to some internal Wikipedia pages such as Trenton, Newark, and Camden, as well as some external pages, like more information regarding the Urban Hope Act of 2012. There is some info about it on the New Jersey State website. Similarly to how you found the enrollment data for the public schools, is there any way to find enrollment data for the charter and renaissance schools? If not, it's no problem, as you show that they make up 55% of the total students in Camden, but a breakdown might be nice. Botjanitor (talk) 18:13, 16 April 2019 (UTC)

Public School

When you say "As of 2019, the district has" should be had. The tense should be in past tense because chances are a lot of changes has happened since the information was found. Also the "Camden City School District district" does not need district at the end because it is just repeating the same word. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Biggboss420 (talk • contribs) 02:18, 17 April 2019 (UTC)

In the section where you list the high schools in the district, the numbers in parenthesis of each high school might be hard for a reader to what understand. I could guess that it was their grades number and the number of students in the school but it might not be as obvious for some readers. Try to add students at the end of the first number and grades for the second 2 numbers. Adding a prototype at the top that describes what the numbers mean is also be a good idea if you do not want to keep adding students and grades each line. — Preceding unsigned comment added by Biggboss420 (talk • contribs) 02:13, 17 April 2019 (UTC)

" In 2016, three years after the 2013 State of New Jersey takeover," you probably do not have to mention in 2016 or you you could say after the State of New Jersey takeover. Saying the years together might be confusing — Preceding unsigned comment added by Biggboss420 (talk • contribs) 02:28, 17 April 2019 (UTC)

Structural issues

I think saying Due to weather- related issues in 2018, might be a better way to phrase the beginning of the sentence

Charter and renaissance schools

If this was the first time you used Knowledge Is Power Program,I believe it should not be abbreviated and the abbreviation can go into the parenthesis instead.

"As of 2019, there are 3,850 Camden students enrolled in one of the city's renaissance schools, and 4,350 Camden students are enrolled one of the city's charter schools.". I think it will be best to say Camden's instead of "the city's" just to be clear.

Professor comments

This is an excellent start to this project, and much of this is ready to go up on Wikipedia's main space. You get the style down exactly. There are a few places where your tenses are inconsistent and lapse into present or future, so look for those (your peers did well at pointing out many of these places) There's also a point where you said the act "precedes" the state's takeover of the schools. I'm not totally sure what you meant by that and what the timeline is there, so please clarify that. Not being an expert in this area myself, I'm not sure what the next direction is for you on this project. Is there a longer history section to consider? Something to work on on the District's page? Colbuendia71 (talk) 15:06, 23 April 2019 (UTC)

Peer Review 2

This looks really great, and it's come a long way since I last looked at it! The style, language, and tense all work really well together now. I also like the addition of the picture of the school. Great job with linking, as it makes the page feel more alive and gives a nice explanation for some more uncommon things, like the types of schools. This is definitely mainspace ready. Botjanitor (talk) 03:01, 1 May 2019 (UTC)

2ND PEER REVIEW

The page look really good. I can see a lot of the advises from the first peer review has been incorporated into your writing. The information is well and organised . It is a lot easier to understand all the information and this is good for the people that wish to learn about this. If people are interested in learning more about this topic, then they should find this as a good place to get information. Overall I believe the writing should be ready for live Wikipedia. (Uchenna Comment. had to edit source code)

You seem to have already moved much of this if not all of it to mainspace, so this comment feels a bit late. However, I concur with your other reviewers about the quality of the work: it's well-written and researched. I will say that there are a few areas with long stretches between citations, so consider closing some of those gaps. Colbuendia71 (talk) 14:45, 2 May 2019 (UTC)