Sarah Katherine Barnes
Bold text must be explained/defined. (requires research)
Underlined text should be linked. If an article on the subject does not exist, then one should be researched and composed.
Strikethrough text should be omitted.
Small writing are alternative words/phrasing that I think flows more nicely in the style of the paragraph or that I think is more appropriate for Wikipedia than the existing phrase
Tiny writing are my personal comments.
Several instruments have been used to write in outer space, including different types of pencils and pens. Some of them have been unmodified versions of conventional writing instruments; others have been invented specifically to counter the problems with writing in space conditions. **(I would restructure the first sentence to read: " 'different types' of pencils and pens have been used to write in space." If the sentence is not restructured this way, then "several" should be changed to an exact quantity or should be included in the definition of "different types." "Conventional writing instruments" should either be defined in this paragraph or should be linked to an article containing the definition. How do "others" differ from "several"? This question should either be answered where the sentence says "others" or it should be addressed in the explanation of the history of "problems" and "space conditions". "Problems" should be defined. "Space conditions should either be defined or it should be linked to an article explaning what "space conditions are"
A common urban legend states that, faced with the fact that ball-point pens would not write in zero-gravity, NASA spent a large amount of money to develop a pen that would write in the conditions experienced during spaceflight (the result purportedly being the Fisher Space Pen), while the Soviet Union took the simpler and cheaper route of just using pencils. In truth, the Fisher Space Pen was developed independently by a private organization in the 1960s.[1][2][3] **(If it is pertinent to include the recount of this urban legend, then it should become a subject of its own in a separate section of this article and be denoted in the table of contents. If so, it should be expanded upon. Who/where/when/why did the legend originate? Has it been debunked? "A private organization" should be defined. Otherwise, it is redundant to say "independently". "1960's" should be defined. When was the product developed/conceived and/or when was it finalized/used to write in space? Was it an exclusive product for NASA? When was it available to be purchased by the public?)**
Today, when practically all writing in space intended for permanent record (e.g., logs, details and results of scientific experiments) is electronic, the discussion of writing instruments in space is somewhat academic: hard copy is produced infrequently. The laptops used (as of 2012, IBM/Lenovo ThinkPads) need customization for space use, such as radiation-, heat- and fire-resistance. **(This is a weird sentence. I would restructure this entirely. Otherwise, "practically all" should be explained. "Intended for permanent record" is redundant because this is so for all writing. I do think it is useful for this article to define what types of writing, "e.g logs, details and results of scientific experiments" are composed in space. But the sentence does not address these questions. I do think it is relevant to mention laptops and electronic composition but I don't know how to incorporate that information short of restructuring these sentences entirely. I think explanation is needed for "need customization" -> what kind of customization?)**
As with submarines before them, space capsules are closed environments, ((and as such, are)) subject to strict contamination requirements. Incoming material is screened for mission threats. Any shedding, including wood, graphite, and ink vapors and droplets, may become ((are)) a risk. In the case of a manned capsule, the much smaller recirculating volume, combined with microgravity and an even greater difficulty of resupply, make these requirements even more critical. **("Incoming material is screened" -how? and what are "contamination requirements" and what are some examples of "incoming materials" // What is "recirculating volume" or can we expand on what volume is being circulated? // expand on "requirements"))**
Release of wood shavings, graphite dust, broken graphite tips, and ink compounds are a dangerous flight hazard((s)). Lack of gravity makes **((causes)) objects ((to)) drift, even with air filtration. Any conductive ((either link or expand in-text) material is a threat to electronics, including the electromechanical switches in use during early manned space programs. Nonconductive particles ((based on "conductive" earlier in this paragraph, either link or expand in-text. Dependent on the treatment of "conductive)) may also hamper switch contacts, such as normally-open and rotary mechanisms. Drifting particles are a threat to the eyes (and to a lesser extent an inhalation threat), which may risk execution of a critical procedure. ((this is a weird sentence i would definitely reword)) Personnel may don protective gear, but both ground and flight crews are more comfortable and more productive "in shirtsleeves". ((the editor of this article should not say "are". If the sentence is necessary, then it should instead say "said that they were" The article should not speak on the preferences of individuals because preferences are subject to change. Words that were said and can be cited are fine, but saying that someone feels a certain way is not acceptable. Paul C. Fisher of Fisher Pen Company recounts((ed)) that pencils were ((considered)) 'too dangerous to use in space'. **(Nonconductive/conductive -> redirects to nonconducting/conducting -> redirects to the Wikipedia article, "Insulator (electricity)" this can be linked easily. // "too dangerous"- why? If this has already been covered in an earlier part of the article, reference it. Based on this "recount" did Paul C. Fisher say this this was the reason he created the space pen? This statement should lead to a conclusion, in my opinion. ALSO- when/where was this quote said and where was it found? Not good to quote without a source.))**
Even before ((Prior to)) the Apollo 1 fire, the CM crew cabin was reviewed for hazardous materials such as paper, velcro ((Velcro is a proper noun)), and even low-temperature plastics. A directive was issued but poorly enforced. When combined with high oxygen content, the Apollo 1 cabin burned within seconds, killing all three crew members.((at the end of the first sentence in this paragraph, consider explaining in specifics what dangers these "hazardous" materials" pose to the pressurized capsule and/or why. Also - every sentence in this paragraph needs to be cited.))**
Cosmonaut ((comma after cosmonaut)) Anatoly Solovyev flew with Space Pens starting in the '80s (period after 1980's. He) and states((ed that)) "pencil lead breaks...and is not good in space capsule; very dangerous to have metal lead particles in zero gravity". **((surely there is documentation of the first space flight in which he used a Space Pen. If this sentence were cited, the exact starting year would likely be easy to locate. Even if not, I think it is more suitable anyway for a Wikipedia article to use, "1980's" rather than "80's". If the way I edited the sentence beginning with "cosmonaut" is confusing, I can clarify: I think the sentence should read, "...flew with Space Pens starting in the 1980's. He stated that 'pencil lead breaks'...and is not good in [a] space capsule; [it is] very dangerous to have metal lead particles in zero gravity." Incoherent quotes should be normalized to fit correct grammar. Also -> punctuation is always written inside quotations. After "zero gravity," the period should exist within the quotations not outside of them))**
Strict documentation requirements accompany anything as complex as a large-scale aerospace demonstration((s)), let alone ((especially in cases of)) a manned spaceflight. Quality assurance records document individual parts, ((incorrect use of comma, omit)) and instances of procedures, ((omit comma)) for deviances ((not a word, use a synonym. Possibly, "deviancy")). Low production and flight rates generally result in high variance; most spacecraft designs (to say nothing of individual spacecraft) fly so infrequently that they are considered experimental aircraft. ((cite this!! I don't even understand what this means.)) When combined with the stringent weight drivers of orbital and deep-space flight, the quality-control demands are high. Change control records track the evolution of hardware and procedures from their ground testing, initial flights, through necessary corrections and midlife revision and upgrades, and on to retention of engineering knowledge for later programs, and any incident investigations.
When the flight also has scientific or engineering science objectives, low-quality data may affect mission success directly.
Faced with these requirements, pencils or other non-permanent recordkeeping ((record keeping are two words)) methods are unsatisfactory. The act of taking permanent, high-integrity documentation itself deters kludges, workarounds, and "go fever". The Apollo 1 investigation uncovered procedural and workmanship deficiencies in multiple areas, up to procedures on the pad.
| This user is a student editor in Auburn_University_at_Montgomery/Successful_Writing_(F2019) . |
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editHello, Sarah Katherine Barnes, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Ian and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Ian (Wiki Ed) (talk) 14:25, 5 September 2019 (UTC)
You have an overdue training assignment.
editPlease complete the assigned training modules. --Alocklea (talk) 19:14, 26 November 2019 (UTC)