StevenJames93
Peer Review
editHello Steven!
Based off your Wiki history, I am assuming you added content to the "Social Media" section of the "Gender" Wikipedia page. I thought this was a well-chosen topic as it is very relevant and timely. I thought the research you and your partner gathered was interesting, particularly the various male vs. female statistics.
There is one line in the third paragraph that begins with the words, "More shockingly..." and I feel as if this may be bridging into more of an opinion rather than a fact. It is a strong point overall, but perhaps you and your partner could consider re-wording that so it's more objective for Wikipedia.
Also, in the fourth paragraph, the statement "Until then, gender will never be equal, which is a problem..." could probably use some more detail as to why this is problem/the problems that are caused by this inequality to make it more factual. Beside that, I thought your connection to social media as a tool to address this inequality was a great point.
I was glad to see that you touched briefly on social media in the form of online dating sites as more and more relationships today are formed online. I feel this would be a strong area to expand upon someday - it could probably be its own section - but for this assignment, I think mentioning it is more than sufficient.
Grammatically speaking, I did not change much beside adding or deleting a few commas here and there and adding a few clarifying words if a sentence seemed disconnected. Overall, I thought this was a strong contribution to this Wikipedia article just be aware of opinion-sounding statements. Nice job!
Emily.karkoska (talk) —Preceding undated comment added 23:47, 25 April 2016 (UTC)
P.S. I posted these same comments on Alex's talk page.
- I have made most of these changes, hope you approve. --D Anthony Patriarche (talk) 09:15, 30 January 2019 (UTC)
Welcome!
editHello, StevenJames93, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Adam and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
I hope you enjoy editing here. If you haven't already done so, please check out the student training library, which introduces you to editing and Wikipedia's core principles. You may also want to check out the Teahouse, a community of Wikipedia editors dedicated to helping new users. Below are some resources to help you get started editing.
Handouts
|
|---|
Additional Resources
|
|
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Adam (Wiki Ed) (talk) 23:31, 13 January 2016 (UTC)
Peer Review
editOriginal The ways people communicate and socialize have also started to change alongside advancement in technology.
Suggestion The way in which people communicate and socialize has started to change due to advancements in technology.
Original Forbes published an article in 2010 that reported 57% of Facebook users are women, which attributed to the fact that women are more active on social media, because on average women have 8% more friends and account for 62% of posts that are shared via. Facebook.
Comment Consider breaking this up into multiple sentences
Original Another study in 2010 found that in most Western cultures, women spend more time sending text messages compared to men, as well as spend more time on social networking sites as a way to communicate between friends and family.
Suggestion Change spend to spending
Original More importantly, social networking sites have allowed individuals to truly express themselves, as they are able to create an identity and socialize with other individuals that can relate.
Consider Think about whether or not more importantly is neutral
Original Family Foundation, 11-to-18 year olds spend on average over one and a half hours a day using a computer and 27 minutes per day visiting social network sites, more than one fourth of their daily computer use.
Suggestion Consider adding that is after sites,
Original In conclusion, research has found that images shared online through social networking sites help establish personal self-reflections that individuals want to share with the world.
Comment This is a strong sentence, really wraps up the section nicely
Original A large amount of social media users have found it easier to create relationships in a less direct approach, compared to the traditional approach of awkwardly asking for someone's number
Suggestion Consider changing the traditional to a traditional
Original Social media play a big role when it comes to communication between genders.
Suggestion Change play to plays
Original Until then gender will never truly be equal, which is a problem.
Question Would this sentence be considered neutral according to Wikipedia’s writing rules?
Original Women in the U.S. also tend to post more pictures of friends, while boys tend to post more about sports, and humorous links.
Suggestion Since you said women, I would change boys to men
Overall Steve and Alex, overall I feel like your article is very strong. I can tell you put a lot of research into your topic, it shows through in the various facts you have stated. These are just minor adjustments that I thought about when reading through. Good job guys! ☺ Elizabeth.c.smith (talk) —Preceding undated comment added 14:39, 26 April 2016 (UTC)